Should we say something to our neighbour about his noisy kid?

[MrsHuxtable]

I'm torn about this because on the one side, kids are kids and should be able to play in their home but then I think, this is my home too, so they should be a bit more considerate. We only moved here in early December because we're expecting a baby and didn't want to be in the noisy city centre but a peaceful environment instead.

It's a small quiet building of flats with strict house rules. No noise like electric appliances etc after 10. Mostly old people, everyone gets on great.
We rent. The flat above us is owned and lived in by a recently seperated/divorced man. He has the 2 DC every weekend and other days in the holidays. A girl of about 10 and a boy of 6 or 7. I've not seen them, it's Dh's guess. The girl you don't hear at all generally and if you do, it's only when she plays singstar. I don't mind that. I don't mind hearing them shout and play either. It's the boys constant running and jumping about that annoys me. It sounds as if he is doing longjumps, running, then a massive tump. Maybe jumping of the sofa? No idea. It's constant though. Our flat is actually shaking. It feels like the ceiling is coming down any moment. You can't relax at all when the kids are here. Also, it's late at night. Last night, they were still jumping after 12. Do they not have to sleep? I'm clueless as no children yet and only very pregnant with DC1.

Also, I think the dad has some serious anger issues. He shouts at the boy quite a lot. Every weekend, there's at least one massive fight that ends with the boy crying and the dad screaming. Again, I have no idea how normal that is.
When the dad shouts, we can hear every word. It's not pretty. He goes on for at least 30 minutes at a time. Really aggressively. 2 weeks ago when shouting at the boy, he used the f-word at least 20 times in 2 minutes. "Fuck off! Fuck off! Stop the f...doing this ......." We were speechless that he would "talk" like that to his child.

On another occasion, I woke up at 2 at night because he was screaming at someone. I'm not sure if he was on the phone as there was noone screaming back. I really hope it was his ex on the phone and not at the children (no idea if they were there at the time but it was a weekend). He screamed for an hour "You fucking cunt. Get out of my house, you fucking cunt....."

DH has seen the neighbour and says he looks so normal and friendly. Not at all what you'd expect if you ehar what we do.

I have no idea what to do. This is our perfect flat. We moved in here because I'm friends with the lady next door who will be some sort of surrogate granny for our DC as we have noone here. The flat is spacious and perfect. The area is perfect etc. But the constant weekend noise is killing me.

I feel like I can't say anything because we're renting and shouty dad owns his place.

Any wisdom?

The noise of the dad emotionally abusing his son would upset me more than the bounding about (which athough annoying he will grow out of). I would be speaking to SS about it. Wonder if kids mum knows he is treating his dc in this way? If my ex was being like this towards my son I would want to know.

MrsH, I would not say a word... You have a baby due yes? Babies cry all times of the day and night as I am sure you are aware... He just might well get pissed off with this and then you will all end up falling out.

See, that's the thing. It's 2 seperate issues. The boy jumping and the dad shouting.

I understand the boy playing but does it have to be like THAT? In a top floor flat? Can they not go outside to burn some energy? How long will it take for the boy to grow out of this? Years? Does it have to be at 10 or 11 at night?

What would I say to SS? Like I said, I have no clue. So if people on here tell me dad's behavious is abusive, I will believe it and act accordingly. I get the feeling that he can't really handle being in charge of the boy by himself for longer than a few hours. Maybe before the mum was doing everything and now suddenly (I hear it's been a year) he's got to deal by himself. What if by contacting SS, I make things even harder for this family? Right now, they seem to be having fun, playing singstar again and boy jumping. No doubt though, it'll kick off again in a while.

If you complain about the noise, won't that just be another thing he screams abuse at his child for?

I doubt it was someone on the phone if he was screaming "get out of my house, you fucking cunt"

I know people always say nooooo, don't involve social services blah blah blah, but if I am being totally honest here - I would start to record these outbursts with a view to getting some advice.

report the verbal abuse to SS - if the child is 6 or 7, there is no way he should be speaking to him like that.

Apparently I'm naive. I just feel like a crying child is just noise that can't be helped whereas a shaking, vibrating flat....I don't know. Guess I moved to the wrong place then and will keep quiet about it.

You chose to rent a flat with all that entails, noise on a sunday afternoon is fine, you are going to have a noisy baby soon, i'm guessing you have no issue with him having to put up with that?

I wouldn't say anything to dad for the reason Bella has stated. The last thing you'll need in those early settling in days with a newborn is an irate neighbour complaining about the noise, and he will complain if you have already done so with him.

Out of interest do you know the interior of his flat? Does he have carpets or floorboards? Floorboards really carry the sound so his son may not be doing all that much to cause the noise.

WRT the shouting, it does sound horrible but I have to admit our next door neighbours on both sides used to shout a lot at their kids,I particularly noticed when I was off on maternity leave and before their kids went to school, and it does sound brutal but it's not necessarily abuse. If you are concerned then contact SS.

JustHecate, I was hoping that maybe the ex is living in the family home and he shouted at her over the phone? Would the children not have cried if he had been screaming at them?

So what do I do? Keep a log of what I hear him shouting for a while and then contact SS?

Maybe they wouldn't have. Perhaps they were cowering in fear. Children don't always cry when they are frightened. Or maybe they are so used to it that they don't cry. Or perhaps they know that crying only makes it worse?

I would phone the nspcc and explain to them what you hear and ask them for their advice, they are the professionals and they will be able to direct you.

Start by befriending them. Invite them in for a drink or tea and cakes

It's much easier when you know them

FWIW, we lived next to a loud shouty dad, party wall hid no sound. We were very concerned. Turned out he has post traumatic stress due to being in the army. Made me less judgy pants!

Who knows why he split from their mum. Having a friendly adult next door for sin to come to when distressed could be a life saver for son

Now, he has carpets and while I find the noise now annoying, I wouldn't complain about it on a Sunday afternoon. Do people not read that I'm mentioning times between 10 and 12pm???

But it seems the consensus is that because we rent a flat and are due a baby, I should have to accept all the noise. I genuinely didn't know if that's what is expected of me so will be quiet then.

I shout at my children very loudly in the morning as DS just moves so slowly and it can be very frustrating. I don't swear at him but I would be very surprised if someone thought I was abusing him because of the shouting.

And I agree with Bella, if you complain about the noise now expect him to complain at 3 in the morning about your baby crying.

I would move. I would also try and make friends

That is my solution!
Yes you can try and befriend, try and help the kids,try and stop the dad from shouting - but there is no saying it will work.
I rent and I know how much easier it is to move (then when you own and pay a morgage etc)

Move and hope next time you get quieter neighbours - though of course they could annoy you more................

i was so glad to move from my flat, at the time my son had undiagnosed austim.

he hardly slept and went to be at 12ish and was back up by 5am ready to play.

so from past experience i wouldn't complain

It's about give and take when you live in a flat, you might not complain about the noise now but you are moaning about noise that is perfectly acceptable, if you think the evening noise is too much phone the council but you are going to have to live there and chances are your baby will disturb him more than his kids disturb you.

Moving is not an option. I'll just suck it up then. Thanks.

You say you don't know this family. You absolutely have to befriend them first, otherwise anything you do will antagonise the whole situation. For now you should suck it up, get to know the guy - invite him over for meals, ask him for the lowdown on becoming a parent (which may be quite illuminating in terms of his family situation), apologise in advance for future nights of baby crying, etc. What you want to do is open doors, not close them.

We did this once and the neighbours themselves eventually asked us whether they were noisy. That was what we'd been longing for! We gently but firmly told them that we didn't like hearing Tour of Bloody Duty at top volume above our bedroom first thing every Saturday morning. We also asked what we could do, as it always cuts both ways.

We were never natural friends, and no doubt they thought we were tossers, but we always kept things civil and considerate.

The verbal abuse thing, as you say, is a separate matter, and I don't really know enough to advise you very much about that.

I may be wrong but I'm sensing that if this man's life is falling apart (a year is nothing, is it?) it's possible that the abuse is his moronic and damaging way of dealing with it.

It could, of course, simply be that he is a person who abuses others. Or it could be that he's dealing with his new situation in a horrendous way, and needs support. I guess by befriending him you might gain some insight into this. His poor kids though - even if it's a short-term thing that is awful to live with.

I don't think being a renter means you should put up with more crap, why should it? If you find your ideal home why should it make a difference if you're renting? Everyone deserves good neighbours.

MrsH, no-one here has said you should be quiet because you are renting and I'm only suggesting you don't complain as it will probably cause ructions for you when your baby comes. He doesn't sound like someone who will take the complaint well so do you want to have a bad relationship with such a close neighbour at this time? Noise is noise and a baby crying is just as annoying (if not more so) than running and jumping and while I agree the boy should be in bed by the times you mention, dad obviously has trouble managing that and perhaps that is why he loses his temper and shouts. At least it is only the weekends not every night.

Sorry not to be more helpful but I honestly think you will open a nasty can of worms if you start making complaints.

Thanks Larks, I think you're right. I don't think he'd take a complaint well so will leave it. Plus, it really is mostly only the weekends and I don't want to turn into a bitter, grumpy complainer either. I hate those types.

At least posting here has given me some perspective and who knows, I might end end with the worst cry-baby ever. I just hope that shouty dad will be tolerant then as well! The neighbours downstairs are old and don't hear well at all and there is no other flat attachted to ours, so that should be fine.

I wouldnt complain - yet. Your baby will no doubt cry loud enough to be heard, tit for tat complaining could occur and you dont want that with a new baby.

When the baby comes if he makes noise you could stop him in the hallway and say something like... Im sorry about the noise last night from the baby but every time the baby dropped of there was a lot of banging about and woke it up. Tactful sort of thing, then complain if it continues. Just a thought.

Also he maybe having a hard time being a sP and is taking time to adjust, his x may be making his life hell and he takes it out on the kids without realising. He also may not realise how much the noise carries down?

Hope it sorts out quickly x

Babies aren't necessarily very noisy if you are attending to their needs as soon as they arise. I know there are exceptions to this btw.

I live in a flat, and we are the only ones in our building with a child. Too right I'd say something. Along the lines of 'I know you probably don't realise but it's very noisy when your little boy bangs on the floor. I'm SUPER sensitive to noise at the moment because I'm not sleeping very well, and I wondered if you could try to stop him doing that after about 10pm when I go to bed?' It might make him be a bit more aware that he is HEARD when he is a c*nt to his son as well.

Yes, reasonable noise it to be expected when you live in a flat, I would never complain about my neighbours coming in late at night and walking about, but I would about them banging the front door, because it's unnecessary.

Don't do it by post it note though. Someone in our building walks around putting anonymous notes on everything and it drives another neighbour CRAZY (I find it funny).