to be fed up with my feckless mate?

[2kidsintow]

We have kids the same age, who go to the same school and we pop in to visit with each other every few weeks or so.

I took the boring standard route into my career. A levels, degree, job.

My friend never seems to settle at what she wants to do. She has degrees and more coming out of her ears. Every couple of years she decides she is going to do something and picks a job, applies for and receives grants and goes off to university. She then either passes her course and doesn't bother looking for jobs in her field, or fails her course. The one career I think she really wanted, she tried to get into twice and didn't manage as it didn't suit her. Now she doesn't seem to know what she wants to do. Last month I had a request for, and provided, a reference for an engineering course. Last week, without warning I got an email asking for an ucas reference for a completely different course....oh and it had to be done that night to get through the deadline in time.

I can understand her finding it difficult to decide on what to do if your dream career is out of reach, if I didn't do what I do now I don't know what I'd do instead. But I'd have liked to have been asked about the reference before she had put me down as one.

Go on.
Say you've never heard of her.

I'd be surprised if she's still getting grants - I thought the government only funded up to 5 years of education.

Oh goodness, people put me down for references all the time and it's never bothered me.

It's not like they take an age to do.

I'm envious really. I'd love to be able to stay in education and if I had the money, I think it's all I would do! Is she happy?

I thought the same. I think some of them have been bursaries, not grants (whatever the difference is) and she started out living in Wales, then moved to England so that may have helped if she's slipped through a loophole. She particularly applied for teaching a few years ago as there was the 'golden hello' payment on offer if you secured a job in a particular field. Didn't pan out though.

She sounds OK to me. You might be . You don't have to be unkind or even return the reference. Mention it to your friend and see what she says. I would always ask my friend if He or She would mind, first.

I'm not . They go without a lot of things that they can't afford as they are relying on one not-great wage. She and her DP are always talking pipe dreams and making wild plans about where they will live, what they will do etc that don't pan out. I don't think I could live like that.

I feel a bit sad for her that she didn't manage to get into her chosen career. OH thinks she really enjoys being a student and I wouldn't blame her as I enjoyed university.

I did the reference, but would just have liked to have been asked to do it first and not with such a short (literally hours) time to do it in. If it had been a different night I'd have not got near a computer and would have felt bad about it if I didn't manage to do it for her.

Its actually really shit to not know what you want to do with your life.

At least she is trying to do something rather than just sit on her arse.

It does sound sad that she has all these pipe dreams and can only make a few come true.

I would do anything for a job let alone a proper career in a field that made me happy. Its soul destroying getting up to do a job you hate day in day out and knowing there is little chance of ever changing it.

I do agree with you though, she should not take you for granted when it comes to references.

I used to work in a student finance department for a local authority, in the days before the SLC took over the assessment stage. You only get fees and maintenance loans and grants for one undergraduate degree, plus one "false start" year at another. You can take time out due to illness, so if you break off part way through a year and get medical proof you were unwell you can repeat that year, but there's no other way to do it. Postgrad education is only covered if in something regarded as socially useful, so teaching, an NHS-required profession, and so on. Otherwise, post-grad must always be self-funded. That's why people chase scholarships so hard. Funding at post-grad is gold dust and linked to undergrad attainment. So if she's getting that, she must be doing brilliantly in academia, so is hardly feckless, surely?

I'm a tad confused as to how your friend can afford to be a perpetual student. But given she plainly can, as contrary to your belief she'd not be entitled to state funding for consecutive courses, does it matter?

what itsallgonetitsup says

What's the problem here? Her not knowing what she wants to do, or her asking for a reference last minute? Her not asking before sending the reference form could be a little annoying, but I think that's a simple case of asking her to tell you next time in advance.

As for not knowing what she wants to do - well, I have no idea either. I'm 29 and have flip flopped about and have no idea what I want to do. I certainly hope none of my friends are judging me on that. I mean, it's no one's business but her's.

You say you're not jealous, but honestly, you sound a bit like you are. So what if she has pipe dreams? Far better than sitting on her arse like most people do.

So your DF has children and various certificates / qualifications.

And now she is applying for more courses.

How does she make ends meet? Private means? DG with good job? Scrounging off DPs?

She needs to grow up.