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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset with my husband for doing the 'Tough Guy' event?

26 replies

BillieBonkers · 14/01/2012 10:39

My 42 yr old H is doing the winter Tough Guy event in 2 weeks with some friends, for charity. This is a race which includes a bit called 'the killing fields' where there are obstacles to get through involving electric shocks, burning tyres, hanging ropes, barbed wire, thick mud and tunnels to crawl through submerged in freezing cold water!
I think he is crazy as he has not trained nearly enough, is not fit enough and has never done anything like this before. And there are genuine health risks (he has to sign a 'death and injury' disclaimer!). Last winter 30% didn't finish and 30% had hypothermia that required medical treatment. There were broken bones, cuts, burns, infections and sickness. And one review I have read described participants 'collapsoing and convulsing' from hypothermia!!
He has a dodgy back, a history of endocartitis (a heart infection) and I am so worried about him doing this. I think it is selfish as it will be me that has to cope with him (plus our 3 sons) if he comes back in a bad way!
He says he understands my worries but is determined to do it and wants my support. He is upset with me for not supporting him and I am upset with him for not taking my concerns seriously. It is causing big stress in our house....
What do you think? Thanks for your help with this!

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 14/01/2012 10:40

I think he's barking - but then, my idea of hell is doing anything in a muddy field - however I see why he wants to do it.

Is he adequately insured?

Mi4 · 14/01/2012 10:41

I think I would be concerned too tbh with his medical history. if he is determined to do it though not much you can do but support him, he is an adult and is entitled to make his own decisions.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 14/01/2012 10:44

I would seriously discuss Life Insurance with him. That should make him think a bit more seriously about what he's doing. I think it sounds like a lot of fun for a healthy man, sadly, your DH doesn't sound in the best of health for that kind of thing.

heather1 · 14/01/2012 10:45

Hi, my friends husband did this last year. Admittedly he did train for it, but he said it wasnt that bad. The information the send you is a bit scary but I got the impression it was pretty well run and organised. If he really wants to do it then would he feel resentful if you tried to stop him?

GypsyMoth · 14/01/2012 10:47

Omg that sounds great fun! But not for women?? Bit sexist!

GypsyMoth · 14/01/2012 10:47

It might encourage him to get a bit fitter too!

Whatmeworry · 14/01/2012 10:48

I agree with him. Far better you have an active DH than a couch potato IMO. I would suggest he does some fitness training beforehand though.

Maryz · 14/01/2012 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 14/01/2012 10:48

If you have life insurance you will need to check that something like this does't invalidate it.

I think he is bonkers, especially since he hasn't trained properly for it.

TheJiminyConjecture · 14/01/2012 10:51

My DH is doing the Tough Mudder event in May(?) I think it sounds great fun+something that he'll enjoy doing. Think we're going to go watch

However, as it's self inflicted (like a hangover) he knows that I'll have sympathy if he gets injured and obviously won't be a cow about it when he's hobbling around afterwards but I'm not going to baby him either.

Probably also worth mentioning DH is 26...

Original poster

BillieBonkers · 14/01/2012 10:51

Thank you for your advice - I really appreciate it as I think I have got myself in a state about this and lost some perspective. Women can do this event too by the way!

OP posts:

TheJiminyConjecture · 14/01/2012 10:52

Olympia Woman can do the event in May

manticlimactic · 14/01/2012 11:08

I had to sign a death and injury desclaimer when I started Bootcamp.

rhondajean · 14/01/2012 11:08

My DH does full contact competitive martial arts.and my heart is in my mouth every time but I never let him think I have anything but full confidence in him. I am so proud for doing it! Andi know why you are worried, I completely get it, but it's better than him sitting on the couch smoking and drinking his way to middle age isn't it, and it's a great example for,your kids.

Why not do some of the training with him? Added support, be good for you, and settle your worries about what he is capable of.

Sandalwood · 14/01/2012 11:12

Olympia, yes lots of women do it too - and in feb.

Billie, plunging into cold water with a heart condition isn't really a good idea.

birdsofshoreandsea · 14/01/2012 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottiegb · 14/01/2012 11:22

I think he's being unreasonable if he hasn't trained properly. If he had, had a realistic sense of what it will demand and had considered the likelihood of any medical implications, that would be fine. (Though do check the life insurance).

I do lots of walking, running and bits of scrambling up mountains (half-way between walking and climbing) - well usually, not now while preg. I know a lot of people who do these things and who know their own level of competence and fitness. I have no difficulty watching people I care about do intrinsically dangerous things because I know they are capable, have good judgement and know their own limits.

We also see people doing big sponsored events who clearly aren't fit enough - things like the Yorkshire Three Peaks or national Three Peaks - which aren't likely to be dangerous, they'll just feel very, very sore afterwards (and no doubt very pleased) if they complete the event. Lots of people sign up for these charity things without having any idea of the implications because they have little or no experience on which to base a judgement. Similarly but far worse, the idiots who stride off into the mountains without proper clothes or the ability to navigate, then need to be rescued.

I think my point is that if he was serious about doing this safely he'd have done plenty of training and probably some smaller events first. If fit enough, he'd probably have a great time. I do get cross with people taking risks, when they have no experience on which to base their judgement of risk, when it could have implications for others.

RuleBritannia · 14/01/2012 11:25

What's the difference between this event and extreme sports about which no one complains concerning dangers to their husbands or wives? For instance, competitions in skiing (my DH did this until he was 58), motorcycling (my DH did that until he was 56), car racing, white water rafting (my DH did that on a stag weekend when he was 62). I would never have stopped him and he didn't stop me. Get a life for yourself and don't stop him enjoying his!

lottiegb · 14/01/2012 11:32

Rule the difference is competence and preparation.

Was just going to add - if he's really not fit enough he won't enjoy it and will look silly when he can't get past the first section. Maybe pride could be more important to him than safety?

RuleBritannia · 14/01/2012 11:40

lottiegb

My DH was climbing a mountain when he was 63, knew his limitations and turned back at 6,500 feet. He did not lose any pride because he had tried.

ShowOfHands · 14/01/2012 11:41

Without being confident in his own health, let alone fitness levels, he's being silly. DH wants to do it and makes noises every year (he's 29 and supremely fit) but in the end common sense ( 2 young children to care for, I don't drive and he can't afford time off sick ill or injured) prevails. He does triathlons and jumping in the sea for charity instead.

lottiegb · 14/01/2012 11:50

rule 'knew his limitations and turned back' exactly the approach I'm advocating, being fit enough, being capable of making sensible judgements, knowing your limitations.

It sounds like that sort of advice hasn't moved the OP's husband though, hence wondering whether, absurd as it would be, pride might be a concept he can connect with.

FredFredGeorge · 14/01/2012 12:14

The death disclaimer is purely to make it sound worse than it is! I've not done it, but friends (both male and female) have, and the shocks are extremely minor, the fire and icy water very safely organised. It's also not necessary to be that fit - in fact fitness may even be a disadvantage as you try and race it rather than complete it. Although the longer it takes the worse it can be with the cold if it's a cold day.

It's not actually that big an event, I wouldn't train especially for it it's about at the level an active person could complete, and you can dodge obstacles if you want. So I wouldn't really worry on the safety issue, although he could press on like a macho muppet when he isn't fit enough, but that would apply regardless of his fitness.

Hopefully it might motivate him to actually get fit in the future which will do a lot more to protect the family from needing his life insurance to pay out.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 14/01/2012 13:05

The one person I know who did one of these completed it but ended up with hypothermia at the end of it and warns everyone he meets against doing one.

It's a male pride thing though, he may feel like he has to keep up with the lads. Which is stupid. YANBU

BleatingRose · 14/01/2012 13:10

What's wrong with a normal triathlon?

One chap near me has a sticker proudly announcing he completed in 2007... words fail.

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