To want to scream but can't because I'd wake up DH and DS?

[mamamona]

I have PND, I'm positively working through it, but today was a down day and I really felt unable to cope and really considered running away from my husband with his credit card together with the 7 mo baby and leaving my mobile at home so he couldn't call us.

Finding it really hard to communicate with OH as he seems to think that whatever he is doing to support me is the best thing he can do but to me it seems like he is not really listening to me. He's away working for twelve hours a day and he does come home tired so appreciates it if the food is at the table and the home is warm and welcoming. But I can't always deliver and although he would say actually say so I do sometimes get that disapproving look for him. Recently he's been working quite close to home and comes home for lunch and therefore lunch also has to be ready and the house warm and welcoming but he doesn't get how much goes into doing that whilst I've got a 7 month old monkey on my hands. I think that he thinks that just because I'm at home all day I have all the time in the world! But for me, its just adding that extra stress on my plate when I am really working towards trying to get better but feel like I'm getting dragged into this routine where I'm a slave to the home.

He knows I have PND we both went to the doctor to get it diagnosed and I know that he does genuinely want to help, but he doesn't fully understand my stresses and my random crying properly. I think he expects me to get over it but because he is 'aware' I have PND and asks me a few times if I'm doing ok that he's 'supporting' me and is therefore the perfect husband. But truth is, he's still the same, just with an extra line of 'you doing ok?' added to his repertoire. Well for the past few days I think so anyway. He's seen me crying a lot for the past few days and honestly, I think he's just fed up of me. At the beginning of knowing about PND he was really amazing! Maybe he doesn't understand that it won't just go away like a cold. (I was diagnosed in Oct/Nov)

I flipped out in the afternoon and told him he was the cause of all my worries and stress and he said to me that he can't understand why I have that opinion of him because he has never 'said' anything to me. I then burst into an uncontrollable fit of crying, he left to go back to work, and I then ended up calling to say sorry, and now I feel like rubbish because I do feel like he is causing me stress but because of the technicality of him not actually 'saying' anything to me I feel I have no leg to stand on. Honestly! Its like I have to gather evidence for a court hearing or something!

Just now, he was watching a movie, I was sitting next to him, crying softly because I feel quite trapped. Movie finished. He got up and went to bed.

And thats why I now feel like screaming! AIBU?

hi mamamona

get a cushion/pillow, go into the garden/yard, hold said cushion to face and scream away...whatever you feel will help get you through i say (holds hand)

i had (in hindsight) undiagnosed PND and still find sometimes that i struggle to cope and find that sometimes a good scream lets it out IYSWIM

well done on working through things and just try and remember that it will get better it just hurts getting there

Yanbu. Some guys/people are just crap I think. They don't understand and it all seems like too much hard work so they stick their heads in the sand and wait for you to be 'better' without really making much of an effort to help you. And if you're upset, with reason, they ignore they disregard reason and blame hormones, grrrrrrrrrrr.

Hope things improve for you, try and do some nice things just for you

Depression is horrible, I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from it.

It is not his fault that he doesn't know how to respond to you though and he seems to be trying his best, so don't be angry with him.

Depression is not going to disappear by itself and if you use it as an excuse for everything that you cannot do, it is likely to get far worse which could end in your life deteriorating to the extent that you push everything good out of your life and will have nothing left to live for.

As despairing as you are right now, it's really not very pleasant for your husband to return from a twelve hour workday to a miserable wife who sits next to him crying while he's trying to watch a movie! He's a man, he needs to provide a solution to the problem your giving him, you're acting a bit crazy (in his eyes) and there is no logical response to that, so he escapes to bed.

I suggest you do both yourself and your husband a favour and allow him to help you do things which will rebalance your hormones, improve your mood and help to regain control of your life.

He could take the baby for a while so you get some sleep, go to the gym, get your hair done (if he's got enough time to watch movies he can do this) etc... You can help yourself by doing these things and going for long, brisk walks in the morning with the baby. These may sound like the last things you want to do but sleep makes you sane, exercise improves your mood and getting your hair done will just make you feel better. Taking care of yourself will make you feel much better and it will help alleviate your depression. It will also make looking after baby and home a lot easier! Force yourself out the door if you have to.

I would also hope that you have support from your family and friends, it's important that you get out everyday and talk to people (about normal things, not depression) so that you don't become isolated.

I sincerely wish you well and hoping you get better. Life is a mix of the horrible and the great(if we're lucky)

Poor you.

I think your DH is part of the problem TBH. I'm sure it's unintentional and like most of us he's probably sure that because he doesn't say anything critical he's not being critical. However, you're his wife and will pick up on all the little nuances in his language, the odd look, etc. I think his expectations of a warm and welcoming house and a hot meal on the table are entirely unreasonable while you are going through this.

He's probably a decent man and doesn't intend any of this, so it's resolvable. Please get a copy of this book or, if he wouldn't read a book, try a printout of this for him to read. He needs to understand just how many hours of work are involved in keeping a house clean and the cupboards always stocked (including the mental energy involved in meal planning and remembering to check if there are toilet rolls in the cupboard), let along cooking and providing a welcoming atmosphere in addition to looking after a 7mo - probably one of the most demanding stages.

It sounds as though he is stuck a little in 1950s land and thinks a lot of the above just 'happens'. I think if he understands just how much he is expecting of you he will probably tone it down, help out a little and genuinely be more supportive. With you having PND though you are probably unable to explain exactly how you feel without getting tongue-tied or without him getting defensive, plus it's exhausting to have 'the talk', which is why giving him something to read may make things a little easier as a starting point.

Good luck and hope you feel better soon.