with how I reacted to this?

[Bogeyface]

I was just talking to my friend on the phone as she is in a bit of a state. she got a FB message from a man she had an affair with some years ago. She wasnt married and wasnt living together, but still, she cheated. Her OH and her split up for a while, sorted things out and got back together they have now been together for many years, had children and are very happy. She learnt her lesson, has never done anything like that since in is actually far harder on people who cheat than many people as a result. Anyway, this man messaged her on FB, he is still married to the woman he was with at the time of the affair, and the things he was saying upset her. He clearly saw her as a bit of a slapper and their time together as a mutual fuck buddy type situation. She had feelings for him and was preparing to leaver her OH for him as he said he was preparing to do with his wife. You can imagine how silly she feels.

I was telling her about my "message from the ghost of relationships past" and she was shocked about what I didnt do. My ex Bf from when I was 21 (I am know v close to 40) raped me several times when we were together, was abusive, selfish, a liar and a thief. I was with him for 4 years but the last year was spent trying to make sure I could get away from him. He messaged me via FB from his friends account, probably because he knew I wouldnt read a message from him, asking me how I was blah blah, referring to himself as an "old friend" and then saying "no hard feelings". He asked me to reply, even if only to tell him to get lost.

I didnt reply. I didnt block him (I got married 2 months later and changed my name on FB to show that). I didnt do anything.

Sure, it shook me up, more than you can imagine. But I didnt want to react. If I had replied then he would have got the satisfaction of me reacting to him. If I had blocked him, then again, he would have known he got to me. So I ignored him. My friend thinks I should have given him both barrels, threatened him with an injunction and blocked him! She thinks that the way he wrote means that he doesnt think he did anything wrong and I should have made it clear what he did to me and how wrong it was.

WIBU? I got the message 2 years ago btw, so too late to change what I did, but I am wondering if I let him get away with it.

I think you reacted in the best way for you to be able to deal with himm making contact and I probably would have reacted the same.

I'm assuming you didn't tell your fiancee/DH? Mine would have definatly wanted to send a reply!

Will your friend ignore affair man?

You did much the best thing. People vastly underestimate the power of ignoring-they always insist on having the last word and it generally goes wrong. If you ignore it puts him firmly in his place-a nonentity , not worth bothering about. Don't be tempted to get involved.

You were completely right to ignore him if you don't want to take what he did to you any further.

Why let him anywhere near your happy life?

He means nothing to you now (in effect, and not minimizing what he did).

You did the right thing

bogeyface - YABU at all. no right or wrong way to respond. all that matters is that you responded in a way that was right for you and enabled you to deal with that shit hole in the best way you could. no one could criticise you without having been in that situation.

It's really unhelpful of her to start going on about what you should have done (meaning - what you chose to do was wrong) when this happened two years ago and you made your choice then, based on how you felt and what you felt you could handle, wanted to handle, wanted to do.

My opinion - You did what you felt was the right thing for you at the time. That's all anybody can ever do. Don't let your head get filled up with could I have, should I have...

I'm really sorry that you had those experiences and I hope you are ok

self correct - no one could criticise you. full stop.

If you ignore it puts him firmly in his place-a nonentity , not worth bothering about.

Thats exactly what I thought.

I did ask another friend , about ten years after I got rid of him, who works in the Met as a trained Rape officer, whether there was any chance of getting him convicted for what he did and she said there was very little chance unless he admitted it. It was so long ago so it was my word against his and he wouldnt have admitted it. So I moved on and honestly, didnt give him another thought until I got that message.

My DH does know, and has always wanted to batter this man to floor, but luckily he doesnt know him and he doesnt live around here. He did want me to send a reply but accepted my reasons for not doing. I have never been ashamed of being raped, I have nothing to be ashamed of.

I advised my friend to ignore affair man, and I think she will. I hope she will.

If people want attention (and he does or why contact?) the worst thing you can do is ignore.

The recommendation for stalkers is to cut all communication.

And from my experience, even the smallest reply can get the other person going.

Avoid replying to exs at all cost!

Thanks all.

I have never questioned what I did until tonight. I was thinking earlier that perhaps she was right and that I should have given him a great long email about what he did and how it affected me etc. But I had previously thought that that would be giving him the reaction and attention he may be seeking.

I feel vindicated. And Lueji, thank you for that information about stalkers, I shall tell my friend and hopefully it will mean that a)she will get off my back and b)she will bear that in mind regarding the message from her ex.