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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed about way I was told sister's breast cancer news

22 replies

imaginethat · 13/01/2012 22:19

Actually I am sure IABU but all the same...

Received email from sister who lives abroad to tell me that sister (who lives here) has been diagnosed with breast cancer and that "she's got everyone she needs around her and she doesn't mind you knowing".

Also dropped in that they had met up here for Christmas though I did not know that at time, neither of them contacted me.

OK I know it's terrible news for the cancer sister and I am not usually an unfeeling person, I have lost two people I cared for deeply to cancer and found it devastating.

But for some reason, when I read this email, I just felt angry. Still do. Haven't contacted either of them and not sure what to say when I do. I mean, I know the polite words but not how to phrase something genuine yet kind.

The background to this is that I thought I had reasonable relationships with both of them in the context that we don't get to see each other much but when we do, have a good time. The cancer sister is a bit tricky, very patronising.

Each Christmas she sends me a card saying "About time you visited!"
I visit her each year, that is I fly to her city, stay in hotel and meet up with her and also other people I know there.

She does come to my city regularly for work but doesn't get in touch. I used to ask her to but she always said she needed to see friends so eventually I gave up.

This email news seems to have unleashed a lot of anger in me about family history... more background is that I have been to hell and back with a court case that was strung out over years, was reported in full detail in papers. Absolutely no support from family.

I thought I was fine with it, that I had dealt with it, accepted the way they were etc but now realise I'm not.

I need to get through this patch and offer some sort of genuine care to my sister who is facing a terrible time. But I am not sure how.

Can anyone here relate to this and offer me some advice?

OP posts:

larks35 · 13/01/2012 22:38

Phone and talk to her. Try to put your resentment about how you've been told to one side and just talk to her.

I have 2 sisters and a brother and we often switch who we call first when shit happens and often leave it to the other to let everyone know as it can be hard to repeat the bad news iykwim. We also have preferences for different kinds of support we may need and this often means that one or more of us feels left out but ultimately we are family and there is no point in letting any resentment get in the way of that.

for you and your sis.

McHappyPants2012 · 13/01/2012 22:42

not saying email is the best way to let people know bad news, but perhaps finding the words over the phone was hard.

hope your sister gets well soon

AgentZigzag · 13/01/2012 22:50

I'm not surprised you feel left out, the email saying "she's got everyone she needs around her and she doesn't mind you knowing" really cuts to the bone.

Is it possible there was a bit of a mistranslation in what she was trying to say and it just came out wrong?

I wouldn't take it too much to heart, your sister who's ill can't have known the email said that she's probably all over the place, maybe your other sister said 'don't worry about telling imaginethat, I'll talk to her' thinking she's helping your sister out?

Try not to feel left out, find the words to write back, they're there somewhere

BackforGood · 13/01/2012 22:54

When I was diagnosed, I told people as I spoke to them, and asked each one to "tell everyone else" - it's easier than having to repeat that kind of news over and over. Maybe you should be angry with the sister who phrased the e-mail about 'having everyone she needs around her' rather than the one who is trying to cope with this scary diagnosis.

mishtake · 13/01/2012 22:58

Phone her - speak to her in person. Try to forget this badly phrased email and concentrate on your relationship with your sister. There is probably a lot of historical stuff you need to sort out in your relationship but now isn't the time.
I am very sorry - I really can understand why you are hurt and angered by this.

Original poster

imaginethat · 13/01/2012 23:05

lark - Phone and talk to her. Try to put your resentment about how you've been told to one side and just talk to her.

I think I will do that in a couple of days. Thank you for reading my stuff, it helps just to put it out there.

McHappyPants I agree that it must be hard to tell people over and over and that she needs to do what works for her.

BackforGood I am annoyed with the email sister too though can see she was trying to be helpful.

Thanks AgentZigZag - that line really got to me. I also know logically that words are just words and that emails do not always come across the way they are perhaps intended.

I am probably playing straight into the crazy family dynamics by saying nothing and feeling hurt. I am going to try to be a grown up and phone one sister, reply to other's email.

OP posts:

larks35 · 13/01/2012 23:16

fwiw imagine I found out about my brother's breakdown some years back about 3 weeks after it had came to a head. Mum and Dad and one of my sisters were in denial, my sister in law was dealing with it all and my other sister was kind of enjoying her new status as "the one in the know". It really hurt, particularly as me and my bro were always close; but he chose my other sisters as the support he needed at that time, and maybe he was right to do so. it hurts when you're the last to know but your support and love is still needed.

bagelmonkey · 13/01/2012 23:30

I agree re the email "she's got everyone she needs around her and she doesn't mind you knowing". being hurtful.
Maybe the emailing sister intended it to put your mind at rest, letting you know that your sister us ok, rather than trying to make you feel excluded & that you aren't needed for support.

Your previous history needs to be put aside.
Don't jump to conclusions or make assumptions about the wording of the email. It's very hard to know what's really meant in an email or text. You need to talk, face to face or on the phone.

iscream · 14/01/2012 07:30

You know, regardless of any non loving feelings between the family, it is a crisis. I would try and forget that e-mail, delete it even so you don't keep re reading it, and just go forth with the information of your sister has cancer. Send her some flowers with a note saying "Sis I am here for you, I love you, and am only a phone call away" Then in a few days, when you feel less left out of things, call her or visit her.

Best of luck to your sister, hope she will have a complete recovery.

iscream · 14/01/2012 07:32

PS That may have been a BCC e-mail sent to several people hence the strange wording.

troisgarcons · 14/01/2012 07:49

FWIW - you have said you will wait a couple of days before phoning her. Seems like you are more bothered about not being kept in the loop rather than the fact she's ill.

AThingInYourLife · 14/01/2012 08:00

That is a nasty, bitchy e-mail from your sister. YANBU to feel hurt by it.

It basically says that you are surplus to family requirements and are being told under sufferance.

Whether that is the message your sick sister wanted conveyed is doubtful. You should get in touch with her straight away and don't let the cattiness of your other sister come between you at a time like this.

I can't imagine in a million years I would put a little dig like that into an e-mail giving someone such devastating news. She sounds like poison.

I wouldn't be replying to that e-mail. Just dealing directly with the rest of the family.

cjbk1 · 14/01/2012 08:52

YANBU

diddl · 14/01/2012 09:23

Reply to email-thanks for the info or somesuch.

Get in touch with ill sister & let her know that you are there for her & anything you can do to help-let you know.

Proudnscary · 14/01/2012 09:26

I'm struggling with the fact that you are not putting aside all your resentment and thinking about your sister who is probably terrified right now and has a very difficult journey ahead.

I know you are only being honest and asking for help through this but I do think you sound self absorbed.

You HAVE to put them aside and PHONE YOUR SISTER. If you don't you will regret it.

Original poster

imaginethat · 14/01/2012 20:22

bagelmonkey - i have re-read the email and this time it feels more like she was trying to do the right thing and i am going with that.
have responded to email in good heart and also emailed cancer sister saying i have heard and am absolutely thinking of her, wanting to help if i can.

AThingInYourLife - i was hurt but on reflection i don't think it was meant to be hurtful. I just think my family is strange. sigh.

troisgarcons it may sound like that, and a part of me is. I have wondered whether i care that she's ill, i think i do, not sure? When my dad died it really didn't make any difference to me, the loss was in my childhood and early adulthood when he took no interest. the death was just an extension of that. i have wondered whether my sister's situation is more like this.

it must be hard for someone from a nice, supportive family to understand.

all the same, i have emailed her what i feel is a kind response so at the very least she knows i am thinking of her (i am).

Proudnscary - i understand you might find it weird. it probably is. not many people have big, dysfunctional, disconnected families like mine. to make the picture clearer there are other siblings so it is not as though anyone will be waiting on my reaction.

OP posts:

elinorbellowed · 14/01/2012 20:46

Might I guess that you are projecting? As in, you do care that she is ill, but it's easier to care about the way you were told and let that upset you rather than let in the feelings about her cancer. Apologies if I'm wrong.

Original poster

imaginethat · 15/01/2012 00:16

Possibly exactly that, I really don't know.

Though things have moved along a bit now as have responded to email sister and contacted sister with cancer and also spoken with others in family. Who are all finding it difficult to know how to respond given ill sister's prickly nature.

So I think we will all move through this as we do with everything else, with good intentions and much awkwardness, and hopefully provide her with some good support.

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 15/01/2012 00:22

I envy people whose concept of family is so simple that this situation appears clear-cut. Illness and blood ties don't alter decades of history. And nor do they magically transform painful, messy relationships into positive ones.

I have no advice or wisdom to offer, but I do send sympathy. And suggest that you might have more luck posting this in Relationships than AIBU, because more people who will "get" the situation post there.

Original poster

imaginethat · 15/01/2012 02:50

Thank you perfectstorm, what a lovely thing to say and it is nice to have someone who understands.

Feeling a lot better for having moved forward with this so no need to re-post, but thank you

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 15/01/2012 03:00

I also had a difficult time when my brother was diagnosed with cancer, OP. We hadn't spoken for about 6 months before that, because we'd had 2 massive arguments and don't get on well at the best of times. I did basically make up with him, spent a lot of time with him, but it didn't alter our weird family dynamic. We don't get on any better now than we used to.

Can see why you're hurting, hope things work out ok x

SillyOldBear01 · 15/01/2012 08:42

So sorry you've been made to feel like this, maybe see this as a time to heal this realtionship, when shes feeling stronger perhaps gently mention how you were told and how you felt.

So sorry about your sister :(

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