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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect partner to step up and do more work around the house?

28 replies

buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:04

I am 31wk pregnant am physically struggling with even the simplest tasks such as loading the washer and dryer and I think he could do more to help in the weeks leading up to the birth.

He is complaining that he has a hard physical job and he is tired when he comes home. I can't bring myself to feel sorry for him though. He workd 9 til 4 Mon to fri and has a 45 min commute.

Yes he is tired but surely a bit of house work wont kill him.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2012 11:09

YABU.... the poor dear is obviously worn out with the arduous tasks and travelling he performs. It is quite wrong to expect someone in that state of parlous exhaustion to gather up some wrinkled clothes or press 'go' on a washing machine. Surely you realise that your station as 'partner' means 'personal slave'... regardless of whether you are pregnant or not?

Begone woman and hang your head in shame. Then bake him a cake to assuage your guilt.

FrankieAbbottsMum · 13/01/2012 11:10

do you work OP?

Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:11

lol, I don't think he would get the fact you are being sarcastic. He would probably ignore that fact and say see told you so.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2012 11:12

Serious answer.... 'expect' nothing because that's leaving it wide open to interpretation. Demand he pulls his weight at home if it isn't forthcoming. Be specific about what pulling his weight actually looks like so that there can be no excuses. And, if still thinks it's an unreasonable suggestion, find him the number of a domestic staff agency and tell him to hire you some help.

If he's shirking now... what's he going to be like when there's a baby keeping everyone up at night? Start as you mean to go on.

FrankieAbbottsMum · 13/01/2012 11:14

on the other hand, if OP is at home all day long, why should he have to clean the house when he gets home? As you say its only " gathering up some wrinkled clothes & pressing 'go' on a washing machine. Not exactly time consuming (you could even delay logging on to MN Grin)

Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:15

I am not working, I suffer from depression which has been made worse by pregnancy and ended up leaving my job last October. He seems to think that as DS is 6 and at school I should be home all day cleaning.

Normally I don't mind, I keep the house tidy but these last few weeks I have been exhausted and am off up to the hospital yet again for Gestational Diabetes and to have my iron levels checked.

I was fine in first pregnancy so feeling this tired and ill has been a big shock.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 13/01/2012 11:16

YANBU

My DH was working 12 hour kitchen shifts when I pregnant, he still did his share of housework.

If your DP was living on his own he'd have to do the dishes, right?

He sounds quite selfish. You need to do something about this before the baby comes otherwise you will have no help at all, he'll shirk anything too hard or unpleasant.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/01/2012 11:18

It doesn't matter if the OP is at home all day. If she's genuinely struggling - and some people have nasty pregnancies - then she needs help. Would be the same if she had flu or some other debilitating condition. A decent man wouldn't moan about it but would step up to the plate.... and a decent woman would do the same.

dreamingbohemian · 13/01/2012 11:18

Frankie because she's ill and exhausted and normally people want to help their partners when they're going through a tough time.

I was sick throughout my pregnancy, I literally cannot imagine my DH refusing to help me out with stuff.

Flanelle · 13/01/2012 11:20

Definitely lower your standards for about the next year tbh. Set yourself a 30 mins - 1hr a day limit on chores maybe? And Give DH a list. Getting a six year old ready for school is like doing an eight hour shift all rammed into an hour and a half - I know - and you're starting to get really tired now. Totally sympathise.

YANBU. And HIBU.

Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:22

Frankie, I gave washing as a example. At the moment I can't clean the bathroom, do the vacuming etc and it would be nice if I got some help.

OP posts:
Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:27

Thanks, I feel a bit better about things now. Am just going to have to be tough with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:28

Flanelle Yup, 6 yr olds are worse than two year olds. Thank goodness for school lol

OP posts:
YuleingFanjo · 13/01/2012 11:28

YANBU.

do you do his washing?

if so then stop.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 11:31

Get a cleaner.

Cleaner can come in once a week, until baby is, say a year?

Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:35

Dont think my budget will stretch to a cleaner and I am hoping to be well again soon after baby is here (although I know I will be sleep deprived lol)

I am going to stop doing his washing etc like Yuleing Fanjo said, maybe even stop making his tea and see if he gets the hint.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 11:38

Well, you are not working, and your ds is in school.

Be careful with that strategy, or he might decide to not give you any money.

Cooking enough tea for all of you, and putting his washing in with yours should not be too much travel.

See if you can do some chores together on the weekend.

IWantMyHatBack · 13/01/2012 11:38

If he doesn't start pulling his weight, then tell him you're getting a cleaner in a couple of hours a week :)

Would that be an option? They could do the more heavy duty stuff.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 13/01/2012 11:38

Hmm travel.

I meant trouble.

IWantMyHatBack · 13/01/2012 11:39

oops, x-posts

Original poster
buterflies · 13/01/2012 11:42

I think I will show him this thread and have a good talk with him. I didn't mean to portray him as a monster, just need a bit more support in the next couple of months. Hoping once baby is here my health will be better and things can start to get back to normal. Well as normal as they can be with a newborn.

OP posts:
samandi · 13/01/2012 11:46

It certainly sounds as though he should be helping, and it's difficult for me to wrap my head around partners this selfish, but on the other hand if you are capable of doing your own washing and cooking for yourself then doing it for one other person isn't much more work.

dreamingbohemian · 13/01/2012 11:48

Also try to be specific with him about what you'd like him to do. And make a list of everything that really needs to be done (try to let some things slide) and divvy it up.

So you could say, I'll still cook but how about you do the washing up.
I'll do the laundry but could you run the hoover and clean the loo once a week (surely he can do some work on his days off?)

YuleingFanjo · 13/01/2012 11:54

if you are going to show him the thread then he needs to know that once the baby is here he can kiss goodbye to having dinner on the table and he will need to be feeding you with healthy food so you keep your energy up. He should also be taking responsibility for his own clothes. Who says that a wife/woman should keep a grown adult male's clothes in order? Even as a sahm they are still HIS clothes. the house and it's contents are both your responsibility but his clothes should be his.

onthebus · 13/01/2012 11:58

I think you need to spell out how bad you are feeling and exactly what tasks you need help with(and which ones you are going to do yourself). If you had an easy first pregnancy he may well be thinking that you are at home all day having an easy life and why on earth should he need to start hoovering