was IBU to DH or should we call it quits due to tiredness!

[Newmummytobe79]

DH is working stupid hours and Saturdays - for the greater good of our family. I understand this.

I'm looking after our new baby, mainly on my own, six days a week.

Yesterday DH called to say he would be home early - I was over the moon as I miss him and I was craving some family time (and it would halve the baby caring duties for one afternoon).

DH called to say he would be two hours later than he first thought. Fine - I know he's really busy.

DH then comes home at 6.15pm. 15-30 minutes earlier than a normal day - so he didnt get the early finish I thought he would. I was tired and emotional, had a difficult afternoon and was disapointed we hadnt spent the afternoon together.

I was quiet, I didnt want to start a fight, but he asked me why I was in a mood. I explained that I wasnt in a mood, I was just disapointed not angry. Then we argued about him working Saturdays as he springs them on me last minute.

My argument was that if he told me in advance (he usually knows at least a week before, often more) that I can plan something/accept I'll have another day without him etc - and then I don't mind. He said ok, and then told me about a work night out (which I guess he'd be waiting to tell me about last minute too!).

I said fine, just let me know when it is.

This seems really petty reading it back

But it's only because I miss him and like to plan in advance.

Was I being unreasonable or is he for dropping things on me last minute?

Or am I just a tired and over emotional mum!

P.S - This happens all the time, not just a one off, so don't think I'm mad . I just think it got to me this time!

Tis has happened to me sometimes whilst on maternity leave. After a long day with a baby you get your hopes up if your DH says he is going to be home early...sadly work plans change, or transport problems happen...and plans are scuppered. It is so hard being the one let down, but it isn't his fault. I don't think you were wrong to be disappointed, he should understand that.

I've felt this way too sometimes. I have tried to deal with it by taking the pressure off my DH by forcing myself to get out and meet other mums at the local children's centre/babes and bumps coffee mornings/baby massage classes etc etc. I'd rather DH was around more but I don't want to get too clingy/reliant on him. Whilst I am on mat leave I see I have to take the lion's share of the parenting but when I go back we will have to share it more equally

Buy a calendar, stick it up and tell your DH he is required, under pain of nagging, to put every working Saturday, work do, etc in on the calendar in advance. I make my DH do this and it makes life much easier. I feel exactly the way you do when DH springs a late evening on me - my heart sinks into my boots :(

YANBU. It's nice to have back up at home and crushing disappointing when you think it's going to be available and then suddenly it isn't.

The calendar thing is a good idea. If its not on the calendar, it doesn't happen. Takes a while for it to start working effectively, usually the first missed night out will do it.

I know exactly where you are coming from on this, and have done the same myself. However I have now learned that home early might just mean I few minutes early, or just 'on time' instead of late.
It's hard being home with baby but try not to take it out on dh- as above, try to get out to lots of mum and baby stuff, it really does make it much easier to get through the long days

So yabu but it's ok as we've all been there!!

Yanbu. It's disappointing when you build your hopes up. But I think the bigger issue is him not telling you about things until the last minute. I'd do as a pp suggested and insist they get written on a calendar as soon as he knows.

As soon as it's practical I'd also start aiming to leave him with the baby occasionally so that you can get a break and he sees what it's like.

will you be moaning when he works less hours and there is a lot less money? I suspect you will

Frankie, did you read the OP? Where does she say she wants her DH to work fewer hours?

I kind of think you are bu, he is working all the hours he can to provide for you and his child. Of course it would be fantastic if he could spend some more time at home, however it is not possible at the moment.

The both of you need talk, you need to communicate to him how you feel. Your DH is not a mind reader.

Yanbu at all. I feel exactly the same when it happens to me. In dh defence (re work, not nights out) I think he feels he does the hard graft going out to work as the wage earner and I "have it easy" being at home with the dcs. In a lot of ways that may be true but when you are at home alone with little ones you can be waiting to hear the key in the lock. As you said, if you had known you could have prepared or planned accordingly. Just say you totally understand he has work related commitments and you really appreciate that he is working very hard (as are you) but he must just let you know when he'll be home.

I don't think yabu, it's not the working/nights out but the short notice.
My dp used to be like this, drop something on me last minute and than I complained. Not about the night out/work but the lack of notice.
Dp only heard the moaning and not the reason so kept doing it as he thought I would moan for longer the more notice he gave me .

I got a big calendar, as another poster has suggested as well, now if it's on there and I know then I don't moan. If it's not on there and it's sprung on me last minute, I get pissed off although it happens rarely now (disclaimer, I don't get arsy over genuine last min things, just the ones he's had arranged for weeks!).

It's the disappointment when you think/plan for one thing and it doesn't happen, your dh could stop you feeling like that if he just says when he's working when he finds out. Not much effort in saying "I'm working next Saturday" is there?

YANBU

Anyway what is the 'greater good' of the family right now? Does he really need to work Saturdays? Is this essential to pay the rent or could you do without?

I know that's not your question, but I wonder if it's possible for him to go a month without working Saturdays so you always have a solid weekend together, then you may find it easier to deal with late nights during the week.

It's his child as well, she'll only be this young once, it would be great if he could spend more time with you both.

We do the calendar thing, too. Dh does on call hours, too, so that sometimes means whole weekends are spent with him working. My issue is not with that, but on other weekends when I'm blissfully ignorant of him having made plans and I organise nice things for us to do for the whole family. We have one of those calendars with spaces for each person, so his on call is on there, plus anything else. It took a while to take effect, but its much better now and there are far fewer cross patches due to miscommunication.

Wow - I'm quite shocked that most of you are in agreement with me :) I really appreciate it as I truly couldnt work out if I was in the wrong.

The calendar idea is fantastic - I will buy one today!

Frankie - I am very proud my DH is working so hard as he's really upped his responsible side (that should read - now has a responsible side! ) since baby was born. I am not moaning about work, I am moaning about not being kept in the loop.

Hopefully after last nights heated debate, we both know where we stand and accept the situation a bit more.

Thanks for the back up ladies - feeling much better now

When our kids were babies, DP had a 200mile round trip for work (in central London) and depending on traffic, what time he was able to leave etc. could take him anywhere between 1 and a half to 2 and a half hours to get home.

If he told me he was expecting to get home early - and then didn't, I was, looking back, often unreasonably cross with him.

Eventually, I asked him not to tell me - only to say if he was going to be late. This didn't set any expectations with me. If he came home at normal time, then fine - but if he was early, it was a bonus.

YANBU. It's a horrible combination of tiredness/ disappointment/ irritation. Hope the calendar works out for you - it has helped in our house!

Calendar idea really good and should help.

My DH has a phrase, "Oh, I won't be late tonight......." which I now after 20957938475 years realise means exactly that, he won't be late, but because of the way he says it, I always used to think that he meant that he hoped to be a little bit early, and when I was off on ML it used to get to me!!!

'Little' things on top of tiredness can really add up.

YANBU. These are the rules:

• Do not tell me that you will be home early until you are CERTAIN that you will be home early, or I will feel disappointed (granted you might need to tell me there is a small chance you MIGHT be home early but not to get my hopes up and check whether I have other plans - it would be a shame to actually make it home early for once, only to discover I am out!).
• Tell me as far as possible in advance when you have to work. The calendar is a GREAT idea.

YANBU. My OH has a way of springing lates on me as well! Although, he also told me he was 'finishing early' the other day, and was home normal time. When I questioned him about it, he somehow got it into his head that his regular hours (10-4) were 'late starts and early finishes' meaning any extra hours brought his day up to 'normal' hours so he didn't have to tell me! He has been doing the reduced hours for a year now (forced - that or redundancy) so how can this possibly be?!