to go to this party?

[TomOrJerry]

Not sure if this is really a AIBU... more a WWYD:

I have been invited to a good / long standing friend's birthday party, arranged by her OH, approx. 200 miles away. The party isn't actually on her birthday weekend, but IS on mine.

My DH does not want to go, partly because he does not really know this friend, does not know her OH and partly because he has his other children that weekend (older, but he doesn't want to mess about with the arrangements as they have been agreed).

SO, it would mean leaving him with our children, plus the elder ones (which isn't a problem per se, but he will find it quite stressful dealing with all 5 children) for the Saturday evening of 'my' birthday weekend, driving a round trip of approx. 400 miles, pay for a hotel for the evening, plus paying for food / drinks on the evening (it is not a party, but a night out, so I am assuming that I will have to cover my own expenses...

But, I feel I should make the effort to go. I don't have many friends. I have lots of mutual friends, lots of DH's friends wives, lots of DC's friends mums IYSWIM... She will be offended if I don't go. And, DH has not organised anything for me.

So, WWYD? Go out or stay homeIf I go, my DH will be upset. If I don't, my friend will be upset.

Well, do you want to go?

Your friend is being unreasonable if she is offended by you not going, it is a heck of a distance to travel, and you will be looking at spending over £100 on fuel, plus your hotel costs as well as the costs of the night out, so not cheap at all.

And as it is your birthday that weekend, I can understand your husband being a bit miffed if he had planned anything or wanted to spend it with you.

Do you really WANT to go? If it were me I would probably prefer to stay at home with my own family on my birthday to be honest.

What do you want to do? Surely that comes first over your friend or dh!

If you want to go, then go. Your husband has no right to be "upset" about you taking a couple of days for yourself and leaving him with the children. Tell him it is his birthday present to you.

On the other hand, if you don't want to go then tell your friend that you can't make it.

Thankyou.

Honestly, I don't know what I want to do. Both my DH and my friend have much stronger personalities than me, and I have suffered from self esteem problems for several years (well, basically, since giving up work and being a SAHM, which I adore, but I don't have an identity amymore)

My working friends all think that I should make more of an effort with things because I don't have to consider work and my husband considers all housework / childcare my issue, but refers pretty constantly to 'his' money.

None of this is done maliciously. It's how I percieve it that is the problem.

Well it doesn't really sound like you want to go! Why don't you swan off for a day on your own, and do something you would enjoy? Spa/art gallery/shopping or whatever? Spend a day pleasing yourself instead of what other people think you should be doing.

Go.

If this was a particular kind of novel, you'd set off for the party, feeling Determined But unenthusiastic. En route, you'd stop to buy a sandwich and stumble into a quilting workshop/convention of acupuncturists/cats home. Then you'd have an epiphany and return as a different, confident person. A Woman Who Quilts.

It sounds like there are lots of issues here and the party situation epitomises lots of your problems, so it feels like a pivotal moment and its stressing you out.

YANBU if you do or don't go. Without knowing the whole situation I think you should go as it sounds like you need a good night out. However if you can't afford it then the worry might end up outweighing any fun you have. Can you afford it? Will your husband constantly go on about how much it "cost him"?

It sounds like you need to find some things/activities which help you "find" you again (cheesy, but you know what I mean), and you definitely need to talk to your DH about how he is making you feel by constantly referring to "his" money, which is wrong. When my DH (jokingly) refers to "his" money, I refer to the DC as "my DC", and he concedes the point.