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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sleep in the same room as DD

25 replies

Louboo2245 · 13/01/2012 02:48

So I gave birth to my second child on the 3rd of Jan, and following all the advice I can muster about cot death etc I am currently sleeping in her room (in a bed) while she sleeps in her cot. While my DH is sleeping in our bed in the next room.

Due to my husbands poor ability to wake during the night we agreed I would do the night feeds and he would take over in the morning and let me get some sleep if I need to, and so far this is working for us.

The only fly in the ointment is that my husband wants to me move back into our room and move the cot also into our room.

I find that I am objecting to this, not because I don't want to share a bed with him (God knows I miss him) but because I'm a light sleeper as it is and DD keeps me awake with the noises she makes in her sleep (a small bit of paranoia thrown in there) and I'm worried that if we all share a room neither of us will get any sleep and thus putting strain on our relationship. He says he doesn't mind and that he misses me (I was really quite ill from 36 weeks and we didn't have much physical contact in the run up to DD being born) but I know exactly how grumpy he can get when he is tired!

Should I just bite the bullet and try this out or should I stick to my guns?

OP posts:

Catsu · 13/01/2012 03:02

If it really is just that you don't want your dh to be disturbed then why not just try it out and see how it goes? I'm currently feeding my 4 month old in bed with dh sleeping next to us and he very rarely wakes up when dd does.
On the other hand, your dd is only a week old! That's tiny and you will be exhausted. If your reluctance is partly due to the fact that YOU won't get as much sleep if you move back into your room or that you are nervous about your dh wanting to have sex with you (i think one week post birth is very early in general to be thinking about thst!) then please be honest with him about your worries and explain that you arent quite ready to move rooms yet. A lot can change in a fee weeks when they are tiny and I'm sure your dh will undestand that as you are doing all the night feeds you need to be able to get as much sleep as you can and to sleep where you feel most comfortable.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 13/01/2012 03:17

DH knows sex isn't an option just yet as I had an ECS and he is in general very supportive of any decisions/suggestions I make, as my DS is from a previous partner and DD is his first, so he sees it that I know what I'm doing (I don't and tell him that regularly)

Another part of this is that I am really quite clingy of DD, which is strange as by 2 weeks old DS was in his cot on his own in his room as the noises he made at night made me paranoid. Where as I want to stay with DD despite the noises. This might be because I bled quite early on in my pregnancy with DD as well as having complications near to the end and I'm a bit scared of losing her in any way shape or form.

DH has been so amazing over everything (and continues to be so) I feel bad that I can't/won't give him this one thing. I have tried explaining this to him, but he is a persistent bugger and keeps bringing it up.

OP posts:

lauraloveskitsch · 13/01/2012 03:27

If you try it for a week and he sees that you are stressed and not sleeping it might make him see your point of view. Some men don't understand what if's and only see what's in front of them.

Also, maybe your DH is feeling neglected? Physical contact might be good (not sexual, just intimate) to show him you're there for him too and haven't forgotten about him may be what he needs. He probably misses the intimacy of sharing a bed and feeling your presence.

Boomerwang · 13/01/2012 05:11

If he zonks out that easily give him a ten minute cuddle in the big bed, tell him how much you appreciate what he does for you and your baby, generally make him feel all big and important (not physically -.- ) and when he slips off you do the same into the next room. If you're worried about leaving the baby too long or falling asleep next to him, set up the baby monitor then turn it off and take it with you or whatever. He can't miss you when he's asleep, it's the wakey part before sleeptime that he wants to share with you :P

featherbag · 13/01/2012 06:24

Hm, see I only see potential problems here, I was the same with newborn ds, but never considered moving out of our room. How long do you intend to sleep in the baby's room? I say move back into your own room and take baby with you, even if it's only for a week to see if you settle down. I think you risk alienating your DH and straining your relationship at a time you most need each other (with a new baby) and it's most likely to come under pressure from circumstance anyway.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 13/01/2012 18:20

Thank you ladies. I'm going to give it a go tonight and see how we go. Wish me luck!

OP posts:

featherbag · 14/01/2012 21:09

How did it go Lou?

CamberwickGreen · 14/01/2012 22:40

gawd how did we all survive before all this advice was rammed down our throats

my kids slept in their own rooms from day one. never would have considered anything else - for lots and lots of reasons

IWantMyHatBack · 14/01/2012 22:49

Well that's nice for you Camberwick, but I'd rather sleep in the same room as my week old child, thanks.

FFS

Seona1973 · 14/01/2012 22:52

my 2 were in our room for the first 8 months (until they slept through). First they were in a crib and then we managed to fit the cot in so they could stay in with us a bit longer. SID's advice is to have them in the room for the first 6 months so we went along with it. It makes it easier for night feeds too.

FutureNannyOgg · 14/01/2012 23:05

You can always sleep in with him while you are on "night shift" and move out (or have him take DD out) when it is his turn so you get some rest, then she would disturb you no more than if you were in her room. You might find you sleep better in your own bed.

DS started out in our room for the SIDS thing, but he is still there at 16 months and we are all (including the originally cautious DH) very happy with that arrangement. Just do whatever gives everyone the best rest.

highlandcoo · 14/01/2012 23:33

You want to sleep in the same room as your new baby. Your DH would like you back in bed with him and you say you miss him too. Seems to me that putting the baby in a crib in your room would be the best solution. I bet it works out fine

hairytaleofnewyork · 14/01/2012 23:37

Yanbu.

Isn't it recommended to have your baby in the same room as you for the first six months?

featherbag · 14/01/2012 23:51

OP wasn't asking if she should sleep in a different room to her DD, Hairy she was asking if she WBU by insisting she and DD sleep in separate room to her DH, who has asked her to move back into their bedroom with DD. Let's not have yet another debate on when baby should be in own room, that's not what the OP was about!

hairytaleofnewyork · 14/01/2012 23:53

Oh! That is what the thread title and op says

In my answer u meant the plural "you" not singular .

hairytaleofnewyork · 14/01/2012 23:55

I wasn't suggesting a debate, btw.

And sorry but why have you picked on me? Others have also nentioned guidance on same room/not same room.

featherbag · 15/01/2012 00:06

Why am I picking on you? Really?!

Apologies if I missed someone else saying the same thing as you, but don't be so bloody sensitive!

I also have a not-very-old LO, so please excuse me for being shattered and not picking up every work everyone says. Was just trying to make sure the thread stayed on topic for the OP's sake, as I've had my own thread which was about putting baby in own room which turned into a bit of a bunfight, didn't want the OP's thread to go that way when that's not what she was on about.

featherbag · 15/01/2012 00:07

*word, not work. Better go to bed now I think!

PippiLongBottom · 15/01/2012 00:20

My 5 year old ds1 sleeps in my bed and my 2.5 year old ds2 sleeps in the cot next to my bed. I have never slept a night without them. I have a 9 year old dd who thankfully sleeps alone. Unless you count the cat.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/01/2012 02:33

Camberwick - less of us DID survive, that's the point of the guidance

OP, hope it went well, if it helps I know many friends who say their DHs slept through all baby noises, and if he gets disturbed, well it sounds like it's his choice.!

troisgarcons · 15/01/2012 05:34

The cot should be in your room.

When one person leaves the marital bed, that stores up trouble for the future. I'm not talking about sex, Im talking about the last thing at night chat, the cuddles and the knowing your partner is simply there.

At the moment you (uninitentionally) are isolating your husband out of the family dynamics. He's asked you to move back. Nuff said.

Magnumwhite · 15/01/2012 06:24

I'm a ridiculously light sleeper, DH is a restless sleeper and we all know babies can be snuffly noisy sleepers. What a combination!
I plan to sleep with DC2 when he/she arrives in spare room so DH can can some sleep and be ready to help in the am/functional for work. Our marriage is more than strong enough to survive this and I think will be better for it in the early days of a new baby. Plenty of time for late night snuggles before bed. We are all very happy with this - but obviously every family is different. DB sleeps like a log and wouldn't have woken if SIL feeding DNs. We were all sleep deprived and miserable when we all shared with DS1 in the early days

Glittertwins · 15/01/2012 06:50

The plan here, agreed by both, was that I would sleep in with them rather than them in with us. In reality I lasted upto the second night feed on the second night at home from hossie before I went back to our room and bed. They were so noisy and I just couldn't get any sleep at all. For us, it worked out no issues at all.

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 15/01/2012 10:34

Well I've done two nights back in the marital bed. It's not been easy, as DD has developed constipation, we ended up at the Docs this morning after ringng NHS direct and DD hadn't pooed for 48 hours.
She is still fairly settled though, hopefully she'll feel even better after the mild laxatives the Dr has prescribed.
As for being back in with DH. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be, though I am still very consious of him, and it turns out since becoming a father he has an annoying habbit of going 'sh sh sh' as I am comforting DD, without waking or moving (it drives me crackers)
I think I do prefer sleeping in her room with her as I can get up and move around with her without disturbing anyone (or standing on the cat like I did this morning) But I will persevere and stick out the week!
If I'm honest, I think I feel that I am being judged (though I know DH wouldn't dare) this time round, and not just with the sleeping. We had a friend over on Tues evening during bath time (I bath DD in the living room as it is warmer) and I just went to pot, and ended up with DH taking over. If I'm on my own with her I am fine and confident that I know what I am doing and I am doing the right thing,
This might be because when DS was little I was on my own and I just had to get on with it and screw what everyone else thought.
Anyways thankyou for letting me waffle on, any more advice is much appreciated!
P.S. does anyone know anything about reflux, I am starting to suspect DD might have it but don't want to stress about it just yet.

OP posts:

pranma · 15/01/2012 12:51

If she has reflux it can help to raise the head end of the crib a little that often has a miraculous effect.

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