To be in a blind panic about this

[doradaisy]

My DD is due to start school in Sept 2012.

I live in a city/urban area - she got a place in a local school, apparently it's a good school, multi-denominational, etc.

we also have twins DS's, aged 17 months. DH and I have been going through a rough patch and this seems to be bringing it all to a head. For years (we're married since 05) I've been wanting to move out of the city to be nearer family but as our jobs are going well (i have excellent conditions, part time, school holidays off as work in education) and he's earning v good money.

DH feels we can't move as jobs are hard to come by in this area and we're mid-recession after all! We bought a place a few years ago but let it out and are currently renting in a bigger house and to be nearer work. Which is part of the reason I feel so unsettled as we don't own place we're currently living in.

Despite my plans, I've been good for making it all work and am resaonably happy but still feel am agonising over a sense of place and particularly, about my DD's schooling.

I thing is, it all doesn't sit well with me and am surprised at how I'm reacting to it all.

Firstly, I always dreamt about my children going to a country school - my parents and lots of my sisters, nieces and nephews live down the country and I always thought we'd have moved down to this area when my first DD was starting school.

Turns out DH's parents have retired and moved about 25 mins drive from my parents - to the same county!!!

So we could very well end up moving down if we got jobs, etc. DH has said in the past he'd like to but has recently says he doesn't 'feel ready' to. It erks me that he keeps using the 'wait til the economy picks up' kind of rationale.

Am pi**ed off that he says we can't leave jobs here in the city in the middle of a recession - which is true - bu am worried about
a. my daughter having to leave a school in the future having formed friednships, etc
b. am heart-broken that all my sisters/family are living in same area and am missing out on help/support
c. am also grieving a bit for the upbringing I had, catholic school (ok, pathetic I know) and that thsi school doesn't have a uniform (ok, shoot me)
d. am worried about how my DD will form friendships/set up play groups in the city as am used to the small town thing
e. Property prices are much cheaper in this country area so part of me thinks we could settle and buy a place there sooner than we could a nice big place in the city

The question is..
Am I romantisicing a place/time that doesn't exist any more?
Should we go ahead with sending DD to school she got a place in?
Shoudl I move down to the country with no job just to enrol DD in school in hope of future prospects?
AIBU to be resenting DH for his take on it?

What would you do?

(ps. sorry for long, at times confused, thread)

sorry for liong post, bit tired to be concise:)

Get a piece of A4 and draw a line down the middle and across the middle
Label the 4 quarters
Pro moving
Reasons not to move
pro staying
Reasons not to stay

Fill these in honestly

Get DH to do the same but on another piece of paper

Then work out together what to do

Good Luck

Think of all the cliquey village gossip and nosiness you are avoiding

I think you may be over romanticising the countryside. It would be ridiculous to move down there with no stable employment and you know it.

She's in a good school, that's the important thing. Financial stability is also important.

Personally I much prefer cities, they offer far more opportunities to young people in terms of education and especially, employment.

I would be wary of a move. We did this a few years ago and it was a big mistake. I wish we could move back but can't afford it now.

I think you're overromanticising. But I do get that the support from family would be nice.

Don't worry too much about your DD making friends etc. It isn't the end if the world to move house and school when you're little, people do it all the time. She will make new friends.

Is there any harm to start looking for jobs anyway, to see what's out there? If there just aren't any, you can't really move anyway, but it seems your DH is assuming that's the case without.really looking.

You own a home though?

You don't find a perfect life in country though

Are you saying that you could move there (with no job) and DH would stay put, ie split the family up, just to get DD a place in this country school? I'm all for giving kids a stable school life without moving them about too much, but honestly OP that would be madness! Unless your marriage problems are really that bad.

It's lovely that you want to re-create your childhood for your DCs, but you need to listen to your DH's opinion too and work out what is best for you as a family. Don't resent DH - talk to him.

You are worrying far too much and idealising country living on top.
FWIW, my DD has just started in her fourth school in her fifth country. She has settled phenomenally well. Some of her friends aren't the ones I would have chosen, but............
I think you need to sit down and talk to your DH (IMO children have no say in moving until they are around 14) and make a long term plan that suits everyone.

We live in the 'country'. Half an hour to 3/4 hour drive to anywhere. This includes small towns, other villages and a big city.
Benefits- lovely location, community feel, a pretty little village school for DC, everyone knows you.
Downside- travel to work up to 1 hour each way, feels cut off- no shops etc nearby, school is tiny- narrow mix of people. Community- can seem cliquey to some, everyone knows your business, your routine.

Back in the '70's and '80's it would have been a great place for DC (aged up to 11) to roam and play out but not safe now due to traffic.
It is also a rubbish place for teenagers, they rely on mum's taxi to get anywhere and are a bit stuck in.

I would go for a small town anyday.
A community feel with things to do.

You could look for jobs in the area you want to move to. Get some idea as to just what is out there, how often suitable jobs come up and so on. Then if there was something your DH wanted, he might agree to at least apply with a view to moving if he gets it. His dream job might come up - you never know. And if there's nothing out there, there's no harm done as you haven't committed to anything. You don't have to just move "blindly" with no jobs to go to. See if he will agree to just look and make a few tentative plans. Then he can get used to the idea and might get a bit more enthusiastic.

Thank you all posters! Big for your helpful advice.

Great to get some perspective on this:)

Of course, it would be madness to move without jobs.

What makes it harder I think it that we DO have choices, if we owned the house we lived in, we'd make it work.

Arrghh! Headwrecking decisions

can't oh start fishing for jobs in desired location and if he gets one that suits then fine - if that is his only concern then only move with job in place - or does oh like the city and is making excuses?

I am another who would prefer a country location as this is where I grew up and I think yanbu for lusting after it as I feel it gives a better lifestyle - the only city I would move to is Edinburgh - probably the outskirts.