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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be annoyed a family member has texted to say theyre only doing birthday and christmas presents for children?

50 replies

StealthPolarBear · 12/01/2012 12:30

Because she had the sense and the nerve to say what I've been wanting to say for years? :o now if I can only get the rest of he family to o the same

OP posts:
ohdearwhatdoidonow · 12/01/2012 13:25

This year we (adults) put a £15 cap on our present buying for each other. It worked really well!

Harecare · 12/01/2012 13:28

I think you can dictate what you will do e.g. I'm only buying for kids or adults with none, but you can't dictate what others do for you e.g. presents for the kids only please.
DPs family said no presents except kids, but if I want to get them something that's up to me. Being told not to means there is no pressure so only bother if it's something they'll definitely appreciate.
I usually give my siblings books I've been given and read through the year, I know they'll appreciate the book and they don't feel the need to give me a present in return.

StealthPolarBear · 12/01/2012 13:30

Yes that's true. I just feel bad that they're buying for all of us when there's no need

OP posts:
Lisatheonewhoeatsdrytoast · 12/01/2012 13:31

Grin not sure now!!

I am going to have the courage this year, and only do birthdays for everyone of course (cause i'm a kind lady Wink )

Not doing any buggers christmas this yr, except our DM's and DS and DH, i can't be arsed Grin and they all get tooooo much anyway

Ephiny · 12/01/2012 13:34

You can't dictate what others do, but you can suggest, e.g. 'shall we agree to only buy for the children this year?' Just prevents any awkwardness or misunderstanding if you've discussed if beforehand.

StealthPolarBear · 12/01/2012 13:36

Ephiny that's the problem though, that's not what I'd suggest. It would be that they buy only for dcs, and we buy for them on behalf of dcs.

OP posts:
notveryinventive · 12/01/2012 13:37

Its a bloody good idea. Wish my ILs would.

My parents only buy for my DCs. They dont buy for me or DH and we dont buy for them since we got them a DVD player that is still in the box 5 years on which works perfectly.

MIL buys for DH, Me, her sister, her BIL, her other BIL (my deceased FIL's brother) and his wife, DH's 7 grown up cousins and their partners as well as all the DCs in the family (6 in total). Yet she never stops complaining about how expensive xmas is for her. I wish they'd be a bit more only buy for DCs, but each to their own. We only buy for MIL in the extended family and have said to people to only buy for the kids and it seems that they do which is just the way we like it. Just wish MIL didnt think she'd have to buy for me too as Id rather she saved her money, but its her money and her choice on how to spend it.

Ephiny · 12/01/2012 13:40

OK, you could suggest that if you think it would work better - so essentially it's one present per family/couple?

PicaK · 12/01/2012 13:42

Still highly resentful of SIL who said don't buy for us just the kids - and didn't get us anything. Especially hurtful when they knew we were doing fertility treatment.

Sometimes people with kids get a bit blinkered and insist xmas is just for kids - which is rubbish.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/01/2012 13:42

We buy for children only and have a limit of around £25 which works well. There is a wide range of incomes in our family so this way noone is embarressed or overstretched.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 12/01/2012 13:52

We do presents for everyone at Christmas, but with a price limit for adults.
Only children get birthday presents. Adults get a card and a phonecall (to them, not like in American tv shows when people get arrested.)

aldiwhore · 12/01/2012 13:53

We do kids only. Only for those without kids, they still get a gift for any pets. I buy my parents something, but not my siblings.

aldiwhore · 12/01/2012 13:55

That made no sense at all did it?

My parents get gifts from us, our children get gifts from everyone, my siblings get gifts from us until they start to breed or for their pets.

Its actually quite simple, but I've lost the ability to explain anything!!

YABU for not getting in there first :D

fiftyval · 12/01/2012 14:32

whilst I can see the sense in a child only rule I do think exceptions should be made for grandparents otherwise you have a situation of them buying (in my family) 5 kids presents and get given nothing. I also feel it is an idea that appeals when similar numbers of kids per sibling but potentially unfair when 1 sibling has 3 kids but the other only 1.

BiddyPop · 12/01/2012 14:34

Me and my siblings have been doing a Secret Santa for each other the past few years - each sibling gets one decent present and a stocking of things costing less than a fiver. Which mostly works except 2 are abroad at the mo and seemed to buy decently for all this year.

This year though, the aunts and uncles got involved and it was a bit of a disaster. Rules galore! And confusion to match. Followed by some getting nice things for lots, while others feeling left out. Each of the aunts and uncles and spouses got one other to buy for, those who were godparents to me and my sibs bought for that godchild (all adults and each of us covered except me as Grandad RIP but Grandmother was covering me), and something small for the children (my and my sis's kids, and the kids of one uncle who are still all kids).

Great in theory, except that my grandmother can't do it herself anymore, and the aunt who did got me 2 bottles of wine (nice, but soooo impersonal and in fact, I'd swear it was a regift), while she ALSO got a lovely handbag for my sister who is that aunt's godchild from Grandmother (who was only supposed to give one gift) - and at the same time bought same DSis a present from herself as Godmother.

I know, green eyed monster and I am not proud and haven't said it to anyone in the family. But it did make me hacked off. (Even more so when the same rules were that us sibs were only to buy for our Godparent, and I had spent hours in the kitchen making 4 different types of sweets that Grandmother would love, and a few other foodie bits that the wider family would share, but also spent weeks making a cross-stitch ornament - and the box was only opened and abandoned over a week later, not even packets inside opened when the whole family would have been there to share and some would now be spoiled). I just felt so underwhelmed and un-appreciated.

Generally though, it has worked well between the siblings. We only have 3 kids between 6 of us (2 families), so kids only doesn't yet work. But the interim measure does.

Next year, if the wider changes are happening again, they need to be more clearly understood and agreed earlier!

BiddyPop · 12/01/2012 14:38

Actually, I ranted off on a tangent, and then realised I'd forgotten to explain that the siblings each BUY one decent present (as per draw in the autumn) and stocking fillers for everyone else (sometimes, to be sneaky, some even include their main person so as to keep it more secret! :) ). All of the significant others (1 spouse and a few fiancees) get a stocking too. We even now all have stockings after a marathon few evenings with my sewing machine last year. It really does save a lot of time and money - especially as re-gifting or homemade presents are allowed, once they come in under the fiver limit (maybe the fiver stretches farther overseas?!).

rebecklet · 12/01/2012 14:42

fiftyval ISWYM - my Nan never gave any of us grandchildren Christmas or Birthday presents, just one gift for starting secondary school - normally a backpack with stationary essentials. I was in the middle age range of everyone (sibling and cousins) and remember it always being this way - so I don't know when it started but it seemed to work for everyone.

HSMM · 12/01/2012 14:46

We have done this for several years now. We also put in an until age 18 rule, so I feel really bad that I don't buy for my older nephew and niece. We all buy for my mum.

The first year my brother chickened out and bought for everyone, so we slapped him until he promised not to do it again . Grin

Same for birthdays

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2012 14:53

I don't really understand the 'buy for the kids' though either. The parents, if buying for themselves, can also buy for their own children.

It's all become so regimented and intense. Why don't people just buy for who they want to buy for without a concensus? It really puzzles me.

MackerelOfFact · 12/01/2012 15:01

PILs announced to us that they 'weren't doing presents this year'. On Xmas eve. Hmm I don't mind in principle but was pretty fucked off that we'd got them presents, they were coming to ours, we spent a fortune on booze and food as they are massive drinkers and picky eaters, and we were repaid with. Erm. Nothing.

Actually I lie, they brought some parsnips from their garden and some pate and milk that had been sitting in their car for 10 hours.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2012 15:03

Well there's your mistake, Mackeral, wanting repayment. It's always going to bring disappiontment.

10-hour car-baked pate and milk though... eurgh. Confused

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 12/01/2012 15:07

DC only at christmas in on my side of the family. I do get my sisters a little something for their brithdays though - a mug or a paperback or something.

DH's family still set the tone of big expensive presents all round, sadly.

Gonzo33 · 12/01/2012 15:17

We've all agreed to do this recently because we had two new additions in December. All of us would be skint if we bought for anyone else as there are now 7 young children in the family. There will be more to come I should imagine over the next couple of years.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 12/01/2012 15:18

DH has a sister who throws tantrums if she doesn't get cards and a phonecall on her birthday, pouts because we don't do presents and seems to think 'no presents for adult birthdays' = being taken out to dinner on our £ to a place of her choosing. She rarely remembers anyone else's birthday, never buys presents for anyone on birthdays (including DCS) and this year phoned me to ask what kind of thing the DCs would like on Christmas Eve. Whilst standing in the Tesco. Half an hour before it closed. She actually moaned one year that FIL's birthday was too close to Father's Day and she didn't think she could afford two cards. Then she spent £470 on recovering a chair for her 'sewing room'.

Cathartic.

boschy · 12/01/2012 15:46

I tried to do this this year. worked a treat with my DB's family - they bought for our 2 kids, and we bought for his 2 grandchildren (his children are all grown up). and I still bought for my mum as she is a widow, and therefore only has me and DB who will buy her pressies.

with the ILS tho... SIL announced that she would be buying for the parents and as we were all going there on Christmas Day that meant we had to as well or else look really mean. Didnt work very well - ILs spent a fortune on SIL and her kids and considerably less on DH, me and our DC. I think this might have been a passive aggressive gesture actually, aimed at me as it was my suggestion!

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