AIBU to stop phone contact btn ds and ex

[meltingmum]

ExP has not really been in DS life as much. He left when he was 5, just before I had our DD. He is now married and lives abroad, (11/2 hr flight). He hasnt seen ds for years, however, he has had on and off phone email contact. Ds desparately waits to hear from him. i shave supported Ds to maintain this contact because I realized this is what he wanted. Given a choice I would have severed links because EXP has caused DS so much pain.

For a year now, DS has also managed to ring and write to him. However, twice last year EXP cancelled plans for him and his ds to stay with them. No explanation and it was last minute cancellation. This has had a devastating effect on DS. He has anger issues but overall he is a good boy.

EX in his wisdom thinks ds is old enough to see him for what he is so he has turned nasty to him. I found DS in tears after reading an email from him to DS on his birthday which ripped my heart. When he rung later that evening I told him there is no way am allowing him to speak to DS.

DS adores EXP and I know, he would want to have a relationship but I think I have a duty to protect DS who is now in his early teens. his family and my family have been supportive but with this new developments I think am predicting more upheavals.

YANBU. He sounds thoroughly nasty. Your poor DS.

I'd repost this is relationships though.

I can understand why you'd want to do that

But it could all go pear shaped and you may be the one your son ends up resenting for 'keeping him and his Dad apart' IYSWIM.

Ds desparately waits to hear from him

Your ex sounds like a twat, and YANBU... but your boy still want to have contact, and should be able to try... BUT, one day your lad will realise what an arse his father is.. it may be in a year, it may be in ten years time, but he will see it one day.

For the moment just let it carry on as it is, and give your boy a hug each time his father lets him down.

How old is your son? does your ex have any kids with a new partner?

If he's in his teens and he wants email contact, it will be very hard for you to stop it. If you did stop it, you would have to put a lot of effort into that, and it would damage your relationship with your ds. Also, it's better that you know what is being said between them. If you ban contact there is a good chance they will have contact anyway, and then your ds will be unable to turn to you to pick up the pieces when his Dad acts like a twat again.

It is understandable that you feel the way yo do, you sound like a lovely mum who just wants to protect her child. It is so hard to stand by while you know your ds is going to get hurt, but that's what you have to do, along with being available for him when he needs you.

He has just turned 14. As far as am aware, they have been trying for a child without success.

Thanks all of you for your kind messages. This is killing me. DS and DD have had to deal with rejection but I am worried it because when I read two more emails, to my horrow, I realized it is emotional abuse.

DS is very loyal to his dad. But he is questioning this using very nasty words. For example he says in 1 email 'I NOW KNOW YOU how can you claim I said I had no time for you, yet it is because you never said thank you when I send you money for your birthday. Cant you see it is your bad behaviour that is making me so angry I have to cancel the trip?' This was a happy birthday message by the way.

He sounds like a rotten, nasty bastard to be honest.

But sadly, your son will have to learn that for himself.

As KitchenRoll said, contact would be impossible to stop at his age and at least this way you get to know the crap he's spouting to him

That's definitely emotional abuse, and while you may be better off having it all in the open where you can see it, it is damaging. If he was younger, I would definitely step in, but at 14 it becomes a question of management rather than prevention I think.

You don't have to start dredging up incidents from the past or attempt to explain why your XP's behaves like he does, but definitely explain to your DS how emails like that are abusive, otherwise your DS could start believing those messages, poor boy.

Sorry you and your DS are going through this.

Thanks sunshine, I agree with you. In the past he has been civil. Quite detached but DS was alright with this. He yearned for more but was grateful for the minimal contact.

Exp's mom stepped in to facilitate physical contact and we all thought EXp wanted the same because he went along with the plans, she even booked tickets but 2 weeks before the trip he cancelled. Since then, he has tried to find fault in DS. However, I was not aware of the emails and just how nasty they were.I have to say DS is not perfect, he is a normal teen. But he has been using all manner of excuse to show it wasnt his fault that the 2 trips never materialised. I have asked EXp's mom to leave it at that because it has been very hard for both DD and DS. i know she means well bu it is me who has to pick the pieces, not to mention, the damage this is causing them.

I know, believe me I know, how insiduous emotional abuse it, but nonetheless DS is too old for you to intervene.

Sick as that is.

I think you need to arrange some family therapy for you and DS. And get the therapist as a neutral 3rd party to gently explain how abusive this behaviour is. It will have more impact from a professional.

Don't block the contact, but ask that DS discusses with you why these emails are completely unacceptable. As in, a parent has a responsibility to a child - not vice-versa. And perhaps, in therapy, explore why he wants contact - whether he is hoping for a validation, and a father, that just is not there.

Incidentally, my own father was this way - in others, even worse, though possibly only because I did see him a few times. It's a tearing thing, your father not loving you. You can't really grasp that he doesn't anyone, at that age. I broke all contact when I had my own child. I didn't want him dragged in, and hurt the way my father has all his kids/stepkids/wives. But the time to have done this has passed - he's too old, now. And he needs to find his own way through this, supported by you. But you should tell him how angry you are, how wrong his father is, and that your instinct is to block contact but you know he's too old. He needs emphatic adult confirmation that this is twisted.

Sorry, I mean the time you could have done the same has passed. You did the right thing, trying to keep the channels open. You could never have imagined this. But now you need to support him in strengthening his ability to withstand his father's bullshit. You can't block an online relationship with a 14 year old.