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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think my 9 year old son should not push his brothers head under the water in the pool?

61 replies

QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 22:36

Is this a normal thing to do?

I was livid. Ds2 was spluttering. He is learning crawl, and he accidentally bashed his older brother, who proceeded to duck him. He was really scared, and could not reach the bottom of the pool, and about a meter from the edge. Dh was a little distance away, but managed to stop it.

Do boys usually do this when playing and swimming in a pool? Is it to be expected?

Not sure that we are abit OTT regards to punishment. He is to to pay all his birthday and Christmas money to a suitable charity that supports people whose family members have drowned (if there is such a charity)

OP posts:
Original poster
QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 23:03

Worra, no it isnt, is it?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 23:03

And yes, I do have a 9yr old DS myself...still I can't imagine any of his friends shouting at their young siblings to run across a road.

MamaMaiasaura · 10/01/2012 23:04

6 seconds is a bloody long time and must have frightened your 6 year old. I'd be furious too.

ChasingSquirrels · 10/01/2012 23:04

6 seconds is more than a duck isn't it, which puts a different perspective on it for me.

I still think your punishment is OTT, but then is just isn't something that it would occur to me to do.
With the length of the 'duck' I would be more pissed off, make ds say sorry, probably get out etc.
BUT every child is different, and you know whether your ds is in need of a harsher punishment over this at this point.

ProfessorSunny · 10/01/2012 23:06

Does he do it and then let go, or do it and hold him under? one is boys will be boys and the other is completely unacceptable!

ChasingSquirrels · 10/01/2012 23:06

yeah, and the road thing struck me as well, my 9yo would be ensuring that my nearly 6yo wasn't going on the road.
He might encourage him to do other things (playing pranks on me, getting him to ask for things he knows they aren't allowed etc), but I can't see him urging something like that which he would know could be dangerous.

antsypants · 10/01/2012 23:07

No, agree that holding someone's head under water for that long is not right... Perhaps a long conversation to see if you can get him to talk...

TheSecondComing · 10/01/2012 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 10/01/2012 23:09

Ok, i retract my last post in light of your subsequent one. If it was 6 seconds then that isnt ducking, that is bullying and potentially dangerous.

Siblings will fight, that is a given, but holding someone under water takes it to a level of unacceptable.

Still not sure that the punishment fits, but some sort of punishment is certainly warranted.

exoticfruits · 10/01/2012 23:10

I would just stop it and make sure that he didn't do it again.I wouldn't see the need to punish.

toddlerama · 10/01/2012 23:10

I don't think you over reacted. He needs to recognise the link between what he did and the potentially fatal consequences. Same with the road thing. He either doesn't realise that his brother could be killed or he does and is playing a dangerous game thrill seeking. Hope it's the former and you can show him what happens via the charity idea.

Original poster
QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 23:11

He is usually VERY considerate to his brother and very helpful. And normally, he will take his hand when crossing the road, and will help him get breakfast, etc. But, I am concerned about these two incidents. I know he can be very impulsive, but again....

OP posts:
MamaMaiasaura · 10/01/2012 23:11

Just read the road bit too. My ds1 is almost 12 but even when he was 5 o couldn't imagine him encouraging another child to cross. There is 8 years between my boys and ds1 absolutely adores his little bro and sister.

I would be quite concerned if he was doing what OP son did

My mum was convinced my sister who's 4 year older "helped" me out of my window when she was 6 and I was 2. She did show me how to climb it apparently and was in room with me. My eldest sister of 10 found me in garden on concrete. Fractured skull, unconscious and lucky to be alive

exoticfruits · 10/01/2012 23:11

It does of course depend on whether you have the authority to make him listen to you.

Original poster
QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 23:13

He had not thought about drowning at all. He bawled his eyes out when I told him he could have killed him, and that drowning is the most frequent cause of fatal accident to kids under the age of 10.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 23:14

To you manage to spend an equal amount of time with the two of them?

Does your DS1 feel he's treated the same way as his brother?

I'm sure you do treat them the same but does he actually feel that you do?

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 23:14

*Do

Bestb411pm · 10/01/2012 23:14

Is there anything else that makes you think it's not just silliness?

I would rather think, as I'm sure you would, that its time to start impressing consequences on him a lot more forcefully, cartoons might just show someone going splat then waltzing off to fight another battle, but real life tends just to be the splat. He also needs to understand that his brother won't look at the world in the same way as him and be able to make good decisions based on situations the same way he can because he's still learning.

He's at a funny age where it can really show if his real world skills aren't up to scratch, people aren't quite so forgiving of mistakes at 9 and think - rightly - he should know better when as far as he's concerned there's nothing wrong with his kid logic applied to real life.

squeakytoy · 10/01/2012 23:15

I do think 9/10 is a very risky age for kids. They are at the periphery between knowing what is real, and what is make believe, as well as embarking on puberty, big school, life changing events..

This is the age where many kids do go out of control, and may well be jealous of a younger sibling who is still in the completely innocent child phase.

I dont think it is an indication that the older child will turn out to be a psychopath, but I do think that kids that age need a bit more TLC at times just to reassure them.

Original poster
QuintessentiallyShallow · 10/01/2012 23:17

I think he does. We are treating them as equal as we can. Ds1 gets to do more sports that he wants, more regular time spent with friends, and get plenty of praise.

The only link I can think of is computer games. Last time, when he urged his brother to cross the road, he had been playing Nintendo lots! This week, we bougth a tv and unpacked the wii for the boys to play.

It is the only thing I can think of.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 10/01/2012 23:18

Sorry op but you are being over the top as as we are not men we have no clue

My oh has 2 brothers he is the middle one his older brother tortured him made him call him your sir prince of the world for 3 months if he forgot dead leg

In turn my oh teased and tortured his younger brother age 25 he was best man at our wedding two years ago and are best friends

My oh used to pay his younger brother £2 e every time he told the blame for somthing he had done and once got him to eat cat food
Boys are a strange lot spend most of the time climbing trying to sack each other give each other digs ECt

As women we are less likey to relate to siblings in the same way
When I moan about my sister always borrowing my cloths and Turning up to parties after convincing my mum to by the same out fit when I was younger he simply dose not understand as he is a man and his experince of having brothers as a boy is different

Even now when they come over they do this wired thing were they kick each other in the nuts when having a muck about

As a women this is not somthing I would do with my sister

antsypants · 10/01/2012 23:19

Something I notice with my brothers (2 years between them) was that the eldest didn't really have a concept of his brother being younger once he got past the baby stage.

You may already do this, but it might be effective coming at it from a different angle, rather than punishing the behaviour, giving him a older role, distinguishing and pointing out the age difference, giving him something to be responsible for might help him realise he needs to be keeping an eye on his little brother.

maypole1 · 10/01/2012 23:20

Their is nothing wrong with them establishing a pecking order after all one is older than the other as long as it dosent get out of conrol

And op I am sure you will find the oldest will do all the torturing but watch a see if somone else try's it on with his little brother they will have hell to pay

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 23:23

maypole that train of thought kind of works if you only have sisters

But I had 2 brothers and 2 sisters growing up

Therefore, the behaviour of us all was pretty similar.

CharminglyOdd · 10/01/2012 23:24

I can see where you are coming from (and was ducked and have ducked my DSis when their age, never for six seconds) but all birthday and Christmas money seems harsh. Could you use some of it to turn into a 'learning experience'/get something positive from it, e.g. pay for lifeguarding lessons (the Royal Society for Lifesaving [or words to that effect] sponsor rookie lessons example here)? I did these when I was your DS' age and a little bit older and found them very helpful - it's been fifteen years and I still remember a lot of things I was told. They improve your swimming confidence and, IIRC, teach basic life saving plus first aid. It was also quite fun as we got to wear t-shirts in the pool etc.

I would actually recommend them to anyone who can afford it, but in this case it seems apt.

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