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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sister in law coming to stay

50 replies

GeorgeT · 10/01/2012 17:47

my sister in law has asked my DH if she and her partner can stay for two nights next week. our spare room houses one, it is very small as larger room has bunk bed for two girls. They want to stay so they can go to a city about an hour from here as she has properties there and needs to check / do some work on them. they are coming on school days Thursday and Friday and I work (albeit part time) on both those days. Not sure if they will stay to spend time with their nieces on Sat. his sister only rings us at home when she wants to stay. I feel rather put upon and feel that not for the first time we are being used as a hotel or doss house. :( We do stay with them but buy food,( as often no food for breakfast or the children) buy her flowers, help out in the kitchen, walk the dog. His sister is a heavy drinker (two bottles in an evening is not uncommon) and rarely surfaces before 8.30.... Any advice??

OP posts:

juneau · 11/01/2012 08:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel the way you do. However, unless it's massively inconvenient for some specific reason I think I'd just suck it up. It's only for two nights and you aren't under any obligation to go to any trouble - particularly if she doesn't bother for you. Someone who is so distant normally and inconsiderate about arrival time would get whatever was in the fridge if it were me.

Thumbwitch · 11/01/2012 08:39

If the spare room only houses one, where are they going to sleep? Are they expecting you to turf the girls out so they can have the bigger room?

And I can see your point, actually - it seems they are only "using" you, they don't appear to actually want to see you all or they'd stay at least for the Saturday morning/lunch.

If they have to come, let them come - but don't do anything in terms of cooking or putting yourself out for them - since they don't appear to do anything for you.

TopazMortmain · 11/01/2012 08:49

Honestly don't understand the problem

Family comes to stay for a couple of nights... And...

Perplexed

DoesNotGiveAFig · 11/01/2012 08:54

Why does it matter what time she gets up? You seem quite fixated on this part? Maybe she gets up late to avoid interfering with your routine?

Does she bring the wine? Could you say you aren't drinking around the kids if it's an issue? If she does stay, I wouldn't pander to her as a 'guest', I'd just leave her to her own thing as she's family, and if you wish to see her, organise a lunch or something maybe? Or invite them another weekend just to see you without business stuff?

olgaga · 11/01/2012 09:08

But it's not "family comes to stay for a couple of nights", to visit and spend some time with the nieces at the weekend. It's family using you as a cheap hotel, in the full knowledge that you don't really have the space and are busy during the working week.

Bloody inconsiderate I'd say.

What's the problem with saying "Listen guys we'd love to see you for a proper visit, but during the week is just really difficult, especially with the work/school routine and our space issues..."

I'm amazed at those saying "It's family, put up and shut up..." Is that really how you carry on, descending on people at your convenience, regardless of their space issues and any disruption you will cause?

Being family doesn't give you the right to barge into other people's homes and use them whenever you want! I wouldn't do that to anyone, and I wouldn't expect anyone to do it to me either because no-one in my family or DH's family would ever be that bloody selfish, inconsiderate and entitled.

TopazMortmain · 11/01/2012 09:12

But OP is under no obligation to feed or water them or anything else? Surely just offering a bed for the night as a favour?

TopazMortmain · 11/01/2012 09:15

Or OP just say no to the visit? Surely?

SparkleSoiree · 11/01/2012 09:16

We are always doing this in our family as we all live so far spread across the counties. It's family, we do it for them, they do it for us.

BlueFergie · 11/01/2012 09:47

Yes I am hugely struggling to see the problem here. She is asking you for a favour. Can you put us up for a couple of nights so I can sort out these rental properties? You either want to do her this favour or you don't? Personally it wouldn't even occur to me not to facilitate family in these circumstances. My set up is very similiar with a tiny spare room and kids room with bunk beds. I would just say ' there's only the spare room so you can both squash in there or one of you can have the couch. will you be wanting dinner. I'll be doing x for the kids so I can do a bit extra and keep it if you would like' the fact she stays on bed late would be a bonus. Nobody holding up the bathroom or getting in the way during the morning rush.
Of course if you can't be arsed doing her a favour then don't bother.

YuleingFanjo · 11/01/2012 09:50

my advice... what would you do if one of your side of the family wanted to come for a couple of nights?
Just get your husband to sort out the bedding and be friendly and welcoming.

WoodyAllenJesus · 11/01/2012 09:51

YABU unless there's a back story. Our house is used as a 'doss house' all the time for ppl on way to Cornwall, Centerparcs, Butlins, Devon or whatever. We like hosting them even if we are working and make sure they feel welcome whoever they are.

Original poster

GeorgeT · 11/01/2012 13:05

My family do come but would not insist coming when I am working, we find a mutually convenient time and stay to spend time with each other. Olgaga, you hit the nail on the head. Sil spoke to DH otherwise I would have established her plans. I will be friendly and welcoming and am never anything other than that but it's curious we only get phone calls when she wants to stay.... I can't remember the last time they came to spend time with us or their nieces.

OP posts:

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 11/01/2012 13:09

I'd let it wash over me, not cook, and then sign off with a 'Bye! Have fun!See you next time you need a bed!'

YuleingFanjo · 11/01/2012 13:14

so your SIL does this a lot?

or is this a one off?

FrancesHouseman · 11/01/2012 13:22

I love the righteous indignation at the SiL not getting up before 8.30am. Before having children there's no way I'd have been up before 8.30am unless I had work to go to!

eurochick · 11/01/2012 14:48

I think the problem here is that you ae looking upon this stay rather differently to your SIL. It seems like she is seeing it as a convenient base from which to deal with her properties and you are expecting a family visit.

Personally, I would be happy to let my in laws stay for convenience but I would be disappointed if there were never any quality time visits along side the convenience stop overs.

lurkerspeaks · 11/01/2012 14:58

Don't really understand the problem.

If they are happy to stay in the single bed then they should be allowed to come to stay. She (and presumably her partner) are adults and can therefore be trusted to get themselves up if you deal with the kids.

I've always felt in these situations that staying in bed 'til the kids are out of the house is probably the most convenient thing to do as you don't cause mass 'auntie lurker is here' excitement 10minutes before they are due to leave to nursery.

Re: cooking - is it really so difficult to extend family food for another two adults ? Or as others have suggested get a takeaway. If you want her to see the kids suggests she stays 'til Saturday or that she comes back late afternooon to see the children. In similar circumstances I've done school/ nursery pick up so I got to see the kids and the people I was staying with got a slightly more relaxed day at work.

If you are going to start being tricky with your husbands family staying you have to prepared for him to be tricky with yours.

Original poster

GeorgeT · 11/01/2012 16:50

Lurker speaks. I have suggested collecting from school, having time with the girls...it falls on deaf ears. Happy to cook one evening but she is very casual about time and very non commital. my family have shown us great hospitality and have embraced DH, e.g. he is going to stay with mum in Oz on the way back from a business trip without me. By all means stay but I know my eldest will be disappointed if yet again she doesn't see her Aunt.

OP posts:

LemonDifficult · 11/01/2012 17:42

Isn't the problem just that she is someone who doesn't have kids yet and therefore doesn't really know about routines or about how you feel about her spending time with her children?

Don't be upset or hurt (which is sort of how you are coming across). She's just someone who needs to do something in X city and her brother lives nearby so she could crash there. It's not about you or your DCs, though I can understand you would like it to be more so.

HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 17:54

Let her stay, don't pander, if you cook something make something that freezes, so if she doesn't make it back for dinner/doesn't want it, it's not wasted.

Let her do her thing, tell your DH be responsible for any entertainment. Just go with the flow, i think she's just trying not to get in your way.

brass · 11/01/2012 19:19

I'm getting bored of the 'they are family!' chimes. SIL clearly has no 'family' interest in OP.

HoudiniHissy · 11/01/2012 20:12

Fine, she doesn't but, but unless OP wants to make a HUGE issue, it'd be easier to go along with it, but on the strict understanding that there is a routine for nursery etc that has to be kept up, and DH is totally responsible for them.

Yes H should have checked first, but he didn't. Next time he can, can't he?

MrsAmaretto · 11/01/2012 20:29

YANBU. My DH mother & father do this and I've had enough - the difference is that dh has now noticed that they use us as a doss house, not to spend time with us or ds. It's upsetting so our new years resolution is to say no, sorry its not convenient, and suggest they come another date & we do something as a family. Other family & friends come to visit us, not to use us as a B&B.

redwineformethanks · 11/01/2012 20:39

She doesn't get up until 8.30. That sounds OK. Perhaps trying to keep out of your way. You buy flowers etc when you stay at her house - nice gesture but perhaps not something she considers necessary.

I'd be really upset if my brother wouldn't have me to stay mid week. If she knows there is only a single bed, it's their choice to share that or you could buy an air bed for under £10

Thumbwitch · 11/01/2012 23:39

exactly, brass.

If our "family" had come to stay at our house (when we were children) and we saw them for about 5 minutes, we'd have been devastated and wondered why they didn't want to stay and see us!
Why should the OP have to field those questions because of her SIL's lack of interest in the family? If it was about being family, then they would stay longer and have some family interaction. Although getting up at 8:30 could be an improvement on getting up at the same time as everyone else and getting in the way.

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