To want some good old honest sex

[MacDaddy1]

DW is a wonderful Mum, dear friend to many and brilliant entertainer and the love of my life. But from day 1 (we have been married 15 yearrs) she's always been pretty indifferent about sex. She has a srong faith and I respected her choice to not sleep with me until we married because I guess I hoped it would all the more special. I'm 40, we have 3 lovely children and a beautiful home. But I'm reaching the end of my teather and I just can't contemplate not ever acheiving anything more than our unfulfilling sex life. It's deeply disappointing not to mention frustrating. She knows I struggle to deal with it and she feels inadequate and guilty atthe time. It's deeply troubling to me that it just doesn't really seem to matter to her to address it. We have had counselling and it seems she doesn't value it. Even straight forward light out initmacy a few times a month would be a start, is that unreasonable? She says once she's got going it's OK but but she's never really been one to prolong the enjoyment if you get my drift. Part of me thinks I must be a totally crap lover and part of me wonders if its simply that she just doesn't amd never has really got what sex is all about?

Oh dear, this does sound a very tricky situation on both your parts. Poor you.

I'm afraid I'm going to be brief as I'm off to sleep in a mo...just wanted to say that I think you're right to ask yourself whether something is lacking in the way you both connect sexually...that I think sounds less threatening and more constructive than 'Am I crap in bed?'! It's possible that she's unsatisfied and doesn't know how to open up about this without hurting your feelings.

Just one perspective. I'm sure there'll be lots of useful input from other posters.

Sounds like she doesn't understand what being satisfied actually means, and I don't mean that as any reflexion on you as a lover, MacDaddy. Back in my far-distant youth, female sexuality just wasn't on the radar, and women who showed they enjoyed sex were open to accusations of sluttishness; there was much shame attached to female desire. If your DW is part of a slightly "backward" religious sect, this could be the reason.

I have a Born Again fundamentalist Christian sister who has, to me (atheist) an interesting take on the subject. She believes God gave us the ability to orgasm, and our intense sex drive, as a gift, and that it's an insult to God if you don't use it!

I'm guessing your 3 DC are primary age still?
It's the biggest cliche but It was tiredness that killed it for me, I wanted sleep, didn't want to cuddle or mess around because DH would want more. Too tired for any of it! Tell your DW or show her this thread and let her respond.
:( OP, I hope things are resolved somehow.

How old are the kids? 3 pre schoolers would exhaust nearly anyone, so that is one possible cause, also some pills can kill libido.

It sounds as though she has never really let herself go enough to have really great sex and doesn't understand that once a month "pull my nightie down when you've finished" isn't good sex.
I agree that hormonal contraception can be a libido killer, did she want/enjoy sex more when trying to get pregnant and whilst pregnant?
Have you explained to her that you want her to have great sex, this isn't just about what you want.
The best part of sex is seeing your partner's enjoyment imo.

If she is lost in the child rearing fog, it might well be that she comes into her own once they are grown up, very many women have their best sex once over 40 ( me included) and I've been married for 27 years.

Kittyfane, sad but true. Years of total exhaustion, constant demands, I felt as though I only had so much attention to give and my body was pawed quite enough (in the nicest possible way, but enough is still enough!). Just the thought that we might wake up our very light sleeper...

Think of it this way, OP. Having to live with constant pressure to have sex you don't want is frankly horrible. Nothing you can do will make her want it at this stage. You need to back off, and make it clear you love her as a wife and mother to you children, whether or not you have sex. It may sort itself out, as your children get older. It may never.

Lack of interest in sex can happen through age, illness, medication, all sorts of reasons. To both sexes - not just women.

Be thankful you have a wife who loves you, and will never leave you or make you feel inadequate when you can no longer get it up!

Think of it this way, OP. Having to live with constant pressure to have sex you don't want is frankly horrible. Nothing you can do will make her want it at this stage. You need to back off, and make it clear you love her as a wife and mother to you children, whether or not you have sex. It may sort itself out, as your children get older. It may never.

It's not a one way street here though, as living without good sex if you are even normally sexed is horrible and unnatural too. There do have to be compromises on both sides.

I think you need to have an extremely honest and Frank discussion about what you both want. It seems that you have made a lot of compromises about sex over the years and this situation is not fair on you. If the reason for her not wanting sex is not because she is unfulfilled but that she really is not interested then it is unfair of her to expect you to be sexless. You need to find a solution you are both happy with, even if that means you indulge elsewhere? But not behind her back.

Whatmeworry but think of it - if there is genuinely no desire on the part of his wife to have sex, what is she supposed to do? Force herself to pretend? Even if she were happy to do that, with the best will in the world, it's not going to be the "good old honest sex" OP describes.

OP you say "DW is a wonderful Mum, dear friend to many and brilliant entertainer and the love of my life."

I think you might want to think about what's really important to you. Are your wife's unique qualities less valuable to you because she has lost interest in sex?

Think about the future - erectile dysfunction is a common problem for around half of all men between the ages 40-70. It isn't always treatable - there are plenty of threads about it on this very site. How would you feel if you were one of those men, and your wife couldn't face a future without sex?

You say "I'm 40, we have 3 lovely children and a beautiful home.

Well I think it would be tragic if you threw it all away for something that may not even be an issue in years to come.

How many of us have perfect lives, with everything we want?

But olga, his concerns and needs are still valid!

Very difficult, and only you can know the answer at the end of the day. I agree with RunningWilde, a real and honest discussion.

However, its a concern that she is not taking your feelings seriously, even in counselling? And a strong faith, no sex before marriage - principled or just avoidant?

OP says his DW has been like this ever since they married. It must be really upsetting and frustrating. I really feel for you OP. If it is a phase, even a long one, that is one thing but if she says she has never been into sex then I would find that very depressing.

hope i don't make this about me, but i have never been horney or felt the urge to have sex.

i can go weeks and weeks without sex. i had sex once before i met my husband and that was nothing special

in a way i don't see sex as important and i see it as a chore, perhaps i don't value sex in a way other people do.

i put so much pressure onto myself to have sex, that i just freeze when it comes to the crunch.

McHP2012 are you the DW of McDaddy?

no

sorry I wasn't being rude, I just was struck by the similarity in the names and situations.

not to worries, sorry for the blunt answer back...should of been polite....anyhow back to the op lol

OP, are you still around?

I love sex and so have alot of difficulty in imagining just going without it and living like brother-sister. So its good to hear a different point of view McHappyPants. I do feel for the OP, hope he finds a way to resolve it.

I have been in both situations, years ago I felt just like McHappy but now, even after 7 years with my DP I am absolutely madly attracted to her (we are gay) and have a fantastic sex life. I cannot believe that I was ever someone for whom sex was not important...not the be all and end all but a really important part of being close. It must be really upsetting for them both but I think it would be incredibly upsetting to be with someone who could never imagine themselves enjoying sex now or in the future.

I certainly agree it's a very difficult situation, but not unusual either in my own experience, or that of most women I know well enough to discuss these matters with.

In the OP's situation his DW was never bothered about sex, he knew it from the start but hoped it would change. It's likely she did too, given her lack of prior experience - but it hasn't. We can see from this thread that some people just don't need physical intimacy to reinforce their emotional bonds, and some people do. Most importantly, OP has not said he fears his wife doesn't love him, or is not committed to their relationship.

I do think this is a situation which is very unequal for men and women. When men develop erectile dysfunction, there is often a physical cause but that isn't always the case, especially for younger men. It can't always be treated, and Viagra is only effective in 30-40% of cases of severe ED - and of course side effects mean it isn't suitable in every case.

I'm not sure I would expect a man to "pretend" or "make an effort" if in those circumstances, he didn't want to. I mean, what would be the point? Similarly, why expect a woman to "pretend" or "make an effort"?

For many people, lack of physical intimacy is part of life, especially as they get older. The real issue is whether you are prepared to accept the situation without resentment, maintaining your love and respect for each other and what you have achieved together.

I would also suggest that if you have children together, there's more at stake than your own happiness and contentment.