to wonder what it's like having a 'normal' brain?

[fuzzpig]

By which I mean 'not depressed'. Possibly IABU for the word 'normal' as what does that even mean anyway - but hopefully you see what I mean.

I just recently realised that I have no idea what it is like to NOT be depressed. Sure, there have been ups and downs, and some reasonable periods where I kept it at bay... But even when I'm not really low, I'm still a depressive person if that makes sense. I am not somebody who is happy in between phases. The best it gets is 'meh'.

I was abused as a child which obviously contributed - and it was when I first told age 13 that depression really started, but TBH looking at my parents I think I was destined to be depressed anyway even if the abuse (by a different relative) hadn't happened.

I have no idea what it's like to not see the worst in everything, or to worry all the time or dwell on the tiniest issue. I barely understand what self esteem is. I don't think I've ever felt care free or comfortable with who I am, let alone happy. Energy is an unknown.

I was planning to write this to ask people what it's like not being depressed but I'm not sure I could read it. I probably should because I want to understand people more. Relating to people is really hard. Reading it might make me sad though... It seems like it could never happen to me! Me? Not depressed? Happy? Come off it.

I am going to attempt sleep now but I just wanted to write it down. It was a weird moment for me realising that in 25 years not one has been 'normal'. I deserve that, right? Like most people? I want a break from this nasty bitch of an illness. I have tried really hard, it just keeps coming back, it's like it's in my DNA.

Just wanted to offer a hug
I think I am quite a 'bleak' person at times and have one of those little dark clouds over my head! Have you ever thought about some kind of counselling or maybe hypnotherapy to deal with past issues?

I'm a big worrier and I hate it as it stops the enjoyment of life coming through. This should be an interesting thread!

X

I have nothing helpful to add, except I totally understand and completely related to what you wrote.

Be gentle on yourself, as you said its an illness and one day hopefully things will seem brighter.

Xxx

Totally understand and wonder about this a lot too. How nice it would be to just leave the house in the morning without that ball of fear in my stomach.

Hugs from me also....

I am worried that I may never emerge from the PND cloud. I totally feel like I have forgotten what I used to feel like.

My Dad recently compounded the feeling of disconnectedness by randomly saying stay strong and that he really feels for me, when I hadnt even mentioned it recently. Now Im wondering if my behaviour is that transparently different to people who know me....

People's strongest sense of happiness is supposed to be when they are aborbed doing something and forget about everything else. It can be anything - gardening, writing, running, etc. Do you ever feel like that? If you do then you do feel happy at times.

In the past people didn't really expect to be happy much. They knew life was usually hard and just tried to snatch bits of happiness where they could. Sometimes I think our modern expectations that we should be happy just makes people more miserable.

Also don't look around and think everyone else is really happy. I know I probably come across as fairly happy and carefree. But the reality is when you see me laughing with friends I will be thinking at some point - I could just kill myself now and all this will be over.

Hugs to all.

Agree with L33 that a hobby helps. I can be absorbed in a painting and 3 hours pass. I would swear it's half an hour but nope. Also eating a good diet is of benefit (to me). If I don't get enough of a varied healthy diet that affects my mood.

I think a lot of people feel like this.

Fuzzpig, I know how you feel. I too had an abusive childhood and constantly struggle even to look as if I have a few shreds of self-esteem.
Sometimes I manage to be reasonably content, and then I meet one of those bubbly people who is positively, actively cheerful all the time unless something bad happens, and I marvel at how happy their lives must be. I just can't imagine what that must feel like.
Even at the best of times I feel as if my happiness thermostat is permanently set lower than other people's, if that makes sense.
If something nice happens I can be happy for a while, but otherwise as other posters have said there's that ball of fear and worry and the evil nagging little voice in my head droning about how horrible and useless I am and about what will go wrong next.

OP - I am a 'happy', 'normal' person & in 37 years of 'happy normality' I have yet to meet a person who is bursting with joy at the even emotions in their life.

In fact I lie - I have yet to meet a WOMAN who is etc etc etc.

I have met many men who float along quite happily (& a few who don't).

But I am yet to meet a woman who is completely at ease with herself, who has not felt diminished in some way, belittled, abused & ridiculed.

Oh, Fuzz. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Have you told your health-care provider this? You haven't said that you're taking any medication but perhaps if you are they haven't quite figured out the right one for you yet? Brain chemistry is a very complicated thing. Be gentle to yourself....

Wassup fuzzpig.

Although you are probably very aware of this, the abuse you experienced will have had a huge impact on your depression. I was hospitalised at the age of 7 (not eating, staring into space, classic stuff) very depressed by the age of 16, drug addict 19 until 25 and then 5 years of trying really hard to put a brave face on it. But still ahving no concept of self esteem, boundaries, how to care properly for myself and so on.

You very much sound like you are at the bottom of the hole, looking up. When it actually clicks like this, it means that you change from thinking : I am shit, my life is shit, everything is shit because I am shit (text book depressed thinking) to : this happened - which made me feel shit, that person did that, which effected me in this and that way, and so on, turning it away from blaming yourself and into some understanding of how you have got where you are stan ding now. Which, and I mean this literally, is nothing short of a miracle. How, my lovely, you have scraped yourself up off the floor, grew up despite your parents, and were able to go out into the world and made a life for yourself - how fantastic is that? It is hard for children to learn compassion unless they are shown it, had to be generous unless they experience kindness from the adults around them.

Yet I see time and time again, women like me and you who have been given several tons of shite to deal with and struggle through, left at the mercy of some nasty sadistic twat - and yet here we are, doing the best we can for each other even if it is too difficult right now to give ourselves the kindness we deserve.

Sorry if I sound like the Oprah Winfrey show, it's late, I'm knackered and I get all deep and meaningful about things like this... Spent so many years dealing with it. It does get better and better though, since my lowest point last year I've taken medication for the first time ever, done a load of psychotherapy and worked hard to get better. I feel, I have to say, pretty good. Not cured, but much much better. Hope you feel better soon XXXX

fuzzpig you have my sympathies. I have lived with depression for 30 years and one of the bizarre things I only twigged about 5 years ago was this - when I am depressed I will tell you that I have always been depressed - and any attempts to challenge this I will utterly deny and claim things like - well it was just a bit less bad for a short while but fundamentally I have always been depressed. I must have just been pretending to feel ok for a while because I know I am a depressed person.
However, when I'm on medication that is working well -or some other treatment that is keeping the depression under control then I will be equally convinced that I've never been depressed. Or at most I might say I can't think why I thought I was depressed - or why you thought I might be depressed. I think I've always been a pretty cheerful kind of person. I'm not really the type of person who gets overwhelmed by everyday ups and downs.!!!
This extraordinary pattern has repeated itself countless times over the years - and at the time I have spouted each of these extremes I am 100 percent certain that that is the way I have always felt.
I don't know if any of that rings true with you.

Oh, love, how rotten. I hope you are feeling better by this morning.

I can't begin to imagine what you've come through. I am sure there are people out there wishing they were as strong as you, just the way you wish you knew what it was like to have a 'normal', non-depressed brain. Obviously it would be so much better if you'd never had to be strong, but that's the end result.

I am hoping that you do get beyond this and I'm hoping it's soon. Take care of yourself.

Thank you, I managed a bit of sleep.

Good point about the hobbies, I am trying to get into more as there is a lot of stuff I enjoy. Work was the best distraction of all until recently.

Woolly - I understand what you mean about the extremes, that isn't true for me though, it's always on my mind, I guess I have got so used to it I can't imagine anything else.

Have had therapy for a long time, it was great but I outgrew it (CAMHS) and TBH I am a bit scared of starting again with somebody new, especially now I have DCs to think of.

YANBU

I was just watching that "shall I relocate to australia or stay in the UK programme" and the husband on it was soooooooooo sunny and lovely and positive and cheerful and I thought wow how do you do that? be that?

Those sunny happy people aren't always really feeling that way. In fact the ones who laugh all the time are often trying to hide their inner despair.

Glad you got some sleep op. I had an awful night. Been off meds a few weeks and think I'm a bit to pot still? Managed to have a nap today then off to art group which was fantastic as we had a new tutour. This latest course is funded by the NHS, 8 weeks free! Maybe you could ask if there's anything similar near to you? Or something more up your street?

LL33 is right. I am luckily happy (and poor you that you aren't). You get a feeling known as "flow" when you are totally involved in something and for me it could be masses of things from reading, to work to singing. I don't think in my case I need the distraction from self. I even can wake up quite often and feel so pleased the bedroom is warm and I can see trees.

Your brain chemistry needs to be sorted out. Perhaps you need medication changing and obviously things like lots of fresh air, exercise, sunlight, 3 healthy whole food moods a day and all that stuff which does help with brain chemistry and depression issues.

Sorry, I don't have much to say except really good post lesley33.

I sympathise OP, I really do. I often just think "what's the point of anything?"

Glad you got a bit of sleep, Fuzz. Do you often have trouble sleeping? It might be a bit of the old chicken/egg scenario but I know lack of sleep can be quite devastating to mood for some people . There's a book out there somewhere about the concept of "flow" and I think it relates to self-actualization, Maslow's hierarchy etc. Might be a good read? X

CuriousMama-too true.

I know it (depression) is more common than appearances suggest - isn't it 1 in 4 having some kind of mental health problem at some point? I feel like a fraud really, being all oh woe is me about something that loads of other people deal with too.

Intrigued by this flow thing, I can look them up at work (library :o) if anyone knows more info) :)

I suffered on and off for 7 years, 3 years ago I had a breakdown, almost took my own life, I knew I was bad, the panic attacks, the onl going out to wakl the dog, for three years I was really sick. It got so bad I cried every day, all the time, sitting under my desk hiding.

I rang the doctor and changed my medication and got it increased, 2 years on, I have a job I have had for six months, I dont cry anymore, Im normal again, and its because I got the right medication for me.

I live alone and have no friends and no social life but Im not unhappy, I sing around the house and dance, Im bubbly and funny at work though.

I've had no therapy.

Believe me you can get better, try different medication.

For me it was life or death. I chose to live.

This is the book about flow. Wikipedia has a good overview too.

Just ordered that book from the library, thanks. Looks very intersting.

missed an e - sticky keys!