To ask him to do the dishes?

[AdditionMultiplication]

Just checking I am not BU before I ask again.
I work 2 nights a week. Dh leaves each day at around 7.30 and gets in just before 7. On the days I work he is home at 5.40 and I am out the door at 5.50.

The three days I don't work, he walks in to the children about to go to bed having been bathed and fed. Dishes done, house given quick tidy and the dishes done. He does not have to do anything.

On the days I work, the children have been fed, and unless it has been an afternoon with appoint ments or other errands, the house will also have been swept and given a quick tidy. On my working nights, he has to bathe the children and do the dishes and put them to bed. Their bedtime is at 7 so they are only up for an hour or so, then he has the evening to himself.

I get home at 9.30 or 10ish and often find that either they haven't had a bath (can let that one slide as people have different ideas about how often children should have a bath) or the dishes not done.

Am I asking too much for three plates, cups and sets of butler to be washed?

Happy to be told I am bu, but I hate having to walk in at that time of night and tidy the house and do the bloody dishes!

Cutlery!

YABU to ask him.

HIBVU not to do them.

Next time, tell him not to forget to do them, and of they are not done when you get in, leave them. Don't make a fuss, or any pointed comments. Just wait for him to do them. If he doesn't do them and you run out of enough clean dishes, serve his dinner on the dirty set.

So you work two days, he works five and you share two days at home?

YANBU, but be sure to make him read this first...

If I leave them then they will not get done and they will annoy me all day. I did that with some of his clothes and they are still there weeks later.

He works weekdays. I work two weekday evenings, two school aged dc and a toddler. Saturday he had sport from 8ish to just before 3. Then wr both attend dc sport commitments. He cooks, I clean up. Then Sunday I do a 7 be shift. He cooks, I clean up.

I do all things dc related other than these two evenings and when he had them for my weekend shift.

I asked my DH to do the washing up one day last week.

"Does daddy have to do what you say?" DD said.

I replied that 3 people live here, and it is unfair that only one person does all the cleaning, all the washing up, all the laundry, hoovering, etc. So he did the dishes. That night.

The problem with men is that they think the washing up is to be done before the meal, not after. They like to live with a constant sink full of dirty dishes. I'm working on figuring out why.

Tonight, I did just say to him that the dishes weren't done. I have been settling the toddlert since I got home at 10. (Toddler not well tonight, Tbh, and I know she didn't settle for a good 40 mind while I was at work, but there wad the rest of the evening and this is not just about tonight) I mentioned the dishes and how it was irritating how once the toddler settled I still had to do them. And that wr had discussed him doing them. To which he replied ' there us none' I said ' dinner dishes??' And he just went oh meh.
It is just annoying. Either I do them at stupid pm or wake up to a messy kitchen and have more to do during the day.

I do all the rest if the cleaning. But I am a sahm, so I guess that is normal? He dies iron sometimes. And puts out the bins.

Unless his arms have fallen off there is no reason that he shouldn't do them. It doesn't matter if you are a sahm or not he should still help with the housework. I'm sure he would love to relax etc but when there are things to be done it has to wait. You still have to do dishes before you sit down of an evening when its your turn and so should he. It's a 5 min job there's no excuse. Yanbu!

As an aside, I thought he would do the dishes after I mentioned them, as I am still settling dc two hours later, but nope. He had locked up and taken the toddler so I can make w coffee and then is intending to go to bed!

Doing the dishes at 1am anyone??? Gr.

Simimlar situation here. When I'm at work DH always does the dishes because when he didn't do them I had massive tantrums

Its is horrible that you walk into a tip and he gets a nice tidy house

i do all the dishes and i do them before i cook because i cannot be faffing with cleaning after i eat. Maybe your mans the same

What about the plates you eat your meal from? Otherwise they sit there until the next meal and get all crusty!

It's def. a male thing, though not all males - I know it's a stereotype but my gay male housemates in college genuinely were a model of OCD tidiness/cleanliness. My DH lost his job (again - works in construction, in Ireland, so this is hardly a surprise event at this stage) last October. Never mind washing dishes or housework - I collected DD from creche and we got in the door just after 5pm to find DH sat on his arse in the middle of a tip wanting to know what was for tea. Fortunately, he's working again now which keeps the mess level down (he's worse than the 2yo) so I don't need to further excavate the unmarked grave vegetable patch. For now. But he will not do housework; used to, but not since DD born for some reason. If I say anything I'm over-reacting.

Surely someone on MN can invent some sort of contraption to get males to clean? Other than nutcrackers being applied biologically/strategically? It would be the all time greatest Nobel prizewinner natch!

AM what would happen if you sat him down and said more or less what you did in your OP?

"DH, I do most of the housework and childcare around here. I work hard to keep our house clean and tidy for the benefit of both of us. I appreciate that you work more days a week than I do, but my working time is not insignificant. I am tired when I get home and do not like to have to do dishes. All I ask is that you bathe the children, wash the dishes and clear up on the two evenings a week that I work. When you do not do so, and I am left to do it, it makes me feel that you do not value my time, as you expect me to take over your tasks in time that I need to be unwinding and relaxing ready to go to sleep. It makes me feel that you do not value the work and contribution I do in the house, as it appears that you do not care about keeping it to the same standard that I do. It makes me unhappy that you seem not to care that I will be tired when I get in from work, and that you expect me to do your jobs in addition to the responsibilities I have taken on. It makes me feel uncared about."

Keep it firmly in mind that it is not about him failing to help you out, it is about him failing to do his tasks, failing to cover his responsibilities.

GN the only 'contraption' that needs to work to get a man to do his share is honest communication, and respect from both parties to a relationship. It can work. My (straight, ex-army, rugby player, boys boy) DP and I share the housework pretty equally - if anything he does more as I tend to work longer hours. We both see housework as our responsibility, so if he doesn't do his share, I don't step in and do it for him (without good reason - illness, work trips etc).