AIBU to expect better manners from DC's visiting my house.

[TooMuchCaffeine]

A week ago a friend of mine came here with her DC's girls aged 8 and 10 and a baby. 8 yo grabbed my guitar - twiddled the tuning keys, tried to play it like a bass and generally manhandled it. They both generally wanted to mess with DS's electric guitar and his keyboard and most of the other instruments like recorder, harmonica, were left in a saliva encrusted mess at the end of the visit.

Generally they went around downstairs and in DS room touching everything, stuff that was well out of their reach - even things on top of the wardrobe FFS! Also kneeling/sitting on arms of sofa - that kind of thing. Some things did get damaged.

This is not the first time something like this has happened with other DC's and actually was not the worst it has been. We are very easy going here and I just bite my tongue, but that seems to give them carte blanche to go around grabbing everything! Should I be a bit more strict?

Usually these are not friends of DS but are DC's of people who we know. WOuld if be wrong of me to just ban DC's from DS room unless they are his own close friends, and to have some basic "house rules" generally?

Tell them not to!
Really you need to let them know that behaviour is unacceptable and to tell them to stop what they're doing and give them/tell them what they are allowed to do /play with at your house.

You need "house rules". Definitely! You don't have to allow visiting children to wander wherever they fancy, picking up whatever catches their eye and a sensible rule is the one that keeps people out of bedrooms unless permission has been given first.

I think it's fine to impose house rules.

Personally I think not letting them play with non-fragile stuff that is your child's (like the recorder and harmonica) would be OTT (and the saliva can be washed off) but your house your rules.

I have the rule that dc visiting don't go into the bedrooms of children they're not visiting unless invited.

er, just say NO

I don't mind them playing with recorder, etc as such but DS doesn't like it. I try to bite my tongue because I don't want to be running around telling people "oh please leave that alone/don't sit there/don't do that" - but I realise now how detrimental that is to both my sanity and our possessions.

I often wonder why the parent doesn't intervene I certainly wouldn't let DS behave like that in someone else's house.

I'd better not post here because I don't like other people's children coming to our house and spoiling our things because they haven't been brought up properly.

So should I deliver the rules when they arrive, or just say "we don't allow this" or "we don't allow that" as and when a potential breach arises?

When it arises to newbies but if there are some that have been before, why don't you put away the things that you really don't want them touching and then informing them that they're only allowed to pplay downstairs today or in the garden or somewhere and then give them a drink and a biscuit

When you have children coming over, could you get out a box of stuff that they are welcome to play with/mess around with? And maybe move anything that is on display and very attractive to children (like a guitar). Then you can keep the 'rules' to a minimum. But I would definitely say that if they want to play with anything belonging to your DS, they must ask first. It's not fair to him otherwise.

I agree with Dewe - it isn't fair on your child that other children who you have invited (not him) have free access to slaver on and mess up his stuff is it?

My kids are only 6, 4 and a baby, but we already have the rule for everyone (including my own kids, who are lucky enough to have their own rooms) that you don't go in somebody else's bedroom or touch the stuff in their bedroom unless invited. So if DD has a friend over she is not allowed to take the friend in DS's bedroom, and vice vesa. Seems only common sense to me - I don't get the way a lot of people insist their children share all their possessions with any random child any family member has invited into the house - as adults we are allowed to say "er no, actually, you can't take my new car out for a spin/ cook yourself a roast in my kitchen using my food/ play with my heirloom jewellery" - why don't we respect our kids personal property (which may be just as important to them despite lower monetary value) in the same way, and instead randomly insist that up to a certain age there is a blanket rule that they have to share everything?

So the easiest thing would be that DC and anyone else put away not to be touched stuff, and then the "rules" are very simple - we don't go in the bedrooms unless invited to by the occupant of the bedroom.

It is hard. A mum from DS's school and her older child who was around 11 turned up here unexpectedly. The child declared ds's toys babyish (he's 5 years younger ffs) and then proceeded to go through his toybox throwing everything on the floor, quite a lot of it went in her mouth first (she has asd tendencies and puts a lot of stuff in her mouth). DS was horrified and the oither mum just seemed to think that ds not liking his toys being thrown was amusing. I would never criticise anyone else's parenting to their face, but she is one of those Mums who never tells her kids off. When she went to the loo, I just gave the daughter the old "we don't do things like that in this house" line and she was so shocked at being told to stop, that she did!

Perhaps I am just too soft sometimes. I like people to feel welcome and want DS to have friends (he is only child) BUT I don't want him to be exposed to mistreatment in this way. I don't want to have to put my stuff away when people come. I would never dream of messing with someone's guitar! However in light of unpleasant realisations about my own friendships I am becoming more aware of the need to impose firmer boundaries concerning how I want to be treated.

Those kids aren't his friends though are they toomuch ? They are the children of your friend and don't sound like anyone he wants to be friends with if they can't respect his stuff.

Let him invite his own friends over - without parents - then it is your house your rules; personally for kids without parents I speak to them (almost) like my own in terms of reminding of what is and isn't ok, and even make other people's kids say please to me if they ask for a drink or snack (which is not really normal here in Germany, but I tell them its what we do in our house, and they accept it and still come back in future).

As I have a baby there is nothing in the public areas that visitors shouldn't mess about with, I forgot that when your child or children are all older that probably stops being the case!

You are right though 5more particularly what you said in your previous post "it isn't fair on your child that other children who you have invited (not him) have free access to slaver on and mess up his stuff is it?"

I always thought I was being nice and welcoming, but clearly I am letting the wrong ones in! It stops from now - No more Mrs Nice Guy

A nice firm "everyone stay downstairs please" and squirrel off the stuff you don't want touching into the bedrooms. My excuse is I prefer to confine the carnage to one room, most parents understand!

I do pjmama and actually all the musical instruments are in the conservatory except my guitar - and that is where I usually end up with the mother of whichever children have come round. So once we have settled in there and chatting with coffee/wine it is easy to "guard" that stuff. DH is very good too, when he can see I am getting pissed off he entertains them all in a game of Monopoly/Scrabble/Game of Life i.e a game that takes ages and ages to play and that requires being seated. This is not so easy when DH not here though - but there is colouring, drawing, DVD's, all of which are downstairs.

I didn't want to be "precious" about my home - but sod it I have every right to be don't I?

I don't have kids of my own so it's probably easy for me as I don't have a 'fun' bedroom upstairs with toys etc, but I ban all visiting children from going upstairs. The older ones don't ask now and the 4 year old nephew I just remind as he's heading up, and don't worry too much as the doors are fire doors and too heavy for him to open anyway. This is a rule I plan to keep in place, especially as when he's at grandparents he tends to go upstairs to find things to chuck down the staircase!

In the early years, before I developed a thick skin, I used to call out to my own DC 'make sure nobody sits on the arm of the couch/ plays with such and such toy/ goes into my bedroom / keep everyone downstairs please' and usually the DCs complied, and the offending child would hear what I said and take heed. Most of the parents would also hear and get the hint. The DCs were less inclined to be shrinking violets than me.

When I had young children over to play I never invited the parent to come along. It's hard with friends whose children tag along though, and you sometimes only find out afterwards that a child has wrecked something precious while you've been distracted by chatting. I have had some rhino-hided mothers who objected to my DCs turning on children's programmes on tv while their pfbs were there, as if it was everyone's duty to entertain their children and my older DCs had to put their lives on hold for the duration of the visit. Worst was children whining when they were leaving for a toy of one of my own DCs that they had been playing with, and the mother not even saying 'We'll get you one of your own dahling'...

We have a "kids corner" of the living room. Anything DS doesn't want others to touch goes in the bedroom before they arrive. No kids allowed upstairs during visits unless to use the toilet - bedroom out of bounds. Ktchen too. We share a bedroom so I'm not keen on rug rats pulling out my tampons/other "personal stuff" iykwim.

Grown ups sit in adult seating area on the settee. Kids play in full view of adults but everyone feels they have that degree of seperation needed to enjoy a cuppa/good game without it stressing anyone out. Dividing the living room into distinct areas has really worke for us. The play area has a nice soft stripey rug/fairy lights/beanbag + toybox/lego.

I tend to sit kids at the table for "tea" (herbal with honey & sandwiches/fruit/cakes on a nice stand) if I feel things are starting to get rowdy as the ritual of a sit down "high tea" seems to calm the most lively lad.

Result DS doesn't destroy others homes & respects their stuff. He's 7 and asd, so several of his friends have adhd/behavioral issues of one sort or another yet I've never trouble like you describe. Then again I have no issues with the "my house, my rules" concept either, as all kids need structure. It actually helps most feel comfortable an content in a stange environment.

I don't like other people's children coming to our house and spoiling our things because they haven't been brought up properly either, Mabel

Hmmm.... not sure what that's about - maybe some secret MN code or something? ANYWAY.... had a long chat with DH and he seems relieved about the whole thing. All musical instruments are in the conservatory now. I like your thinking mathanxiety and bochead

You should have told them to stop, they are children, not mindreaders.

Of course you need rules, you also need to enforce them.