To feel a bit betrayed and a lot pi**ed off at DH?

[MrsMangoBiscuit]

Or am I completely over-reacting?

This will probably be long, so apologies in advance. I should say, MiL has form for disregarding other peoples plans and doing what she thinks is best. We also usually get on very well, and I'm very fond of her.

Months ago we had planned to go away for a long weekend this weekend gone, visiting my family. It's also DHs birthday this week, and he wanted to go out for a meal with all his family to his favourite restaurant next weekend. PiLs were told all of this a few weeks ago. Two days later I get a call from MiL, telling me that we're having a meal at her house instead, on the weekend we're away. After a 10 minute phone conversation, she's change the date to last night, and we're having to come back from our trip early to make it back for a "suprise" dinner with what will then be a very grumpy 2yo DD. I am kicking myself that I yet again laid down and let her steamroll our plans, but that's a different thread! :)

I'd consoled myself with us having a quiet day to ourselves, with cake, for DHs actual birthday, and completely scrapped the restaurant idea.

So last night came, we all had a nice dinner. People were winding up DD, then complaining about the noise, met with me laughing and telling them not to wind her up then. DH is given a truely huge cake that will take us at least a week to get through. MiL then asks what time we're going over to hers on DHs birthday, we're not! She asks well what about the restaurant, she thought we were going for lunch with PiLs, just the 5 of us. When she's told nothing has been booked she throws her arms up and snaps at me that I've made her cancel her nail appointment for nothing. I bit my tongue and the rest of the evening passed without incident.

We get home and DH asks if I'm annoyed about the cake! If I'm honest, yeah I am a little, but it's nothing compared to having to cancel our plans, and the stupid comment about her bloody nail appointment! So I explain the whole thing to DH. He shrugs, walks off and starts texting his Mum to say thanks again. He refuses to talk about it later. Then in bed he tries cuddling up to me, I told him to get stuffed, so he sulks.

This morning we ended up having a big row about it, and all he can say is that MiL won't have meant it maliciously. I know that, I'd already told him that, but it is thoughtless and a bit rude. I'm more angry with myself for having no spine. All I wanted is a bit of reassurance that he understands and that we're still a united front. Instead he gives me the silent treatment and runs off to text his mum. I'm so fucked off and a good bit hurt. So AIBU?

That took a lot longer to write out than anticipated and I have to go out. Thank you to anyone who made it through reading all that! I'll be back online later.

Yanbu - MIL is manipulative from the sounds of it. She can only get away with it if you and DH let her. He needs to put you first or suffer the consequences of sharing a bed with an ice maiden

MiL won't have meant it maliciously. No she was just completley thoughless and selfish expecting everyone else to change their plans but complains loudly when she has to do a tiny change

I can understand why you're annoyed but like you said you are more annoyed with yourself for being pushed into changing plans and not tackling your mil about the nail appointment comment. Remember this feeling and next time find her trying to change your plans stand firm!

Been there the only way to feel better is to be stronger yourself

I can understand your frustration at you overbearing MIL, but don't really see what DH has done wrong? You agreed to change your plans, you should have stuck to your guns on the original arrangements.
What should DH done differently?

Why did you not share out the cake amongst everyone last night?

Did you actually tell anyone that you had scrapped the restaurant idea?

Thing is I don't think you can expect your dh to have a word with her about changing your plans now, you agreed the changes despite not wanting to. If you had said no we are not coming back early and your dh had not supported you then you would have cause to be cross with him.

You definitely need to say something. That would give her more credit for being thoughtless rather than malicious. If you say nothing it's as if you're actually saying there's no point which implies actual intent and that she's actually someone who doesn't care about upsetting people. I would be devastated if acts of thoughtlessness were pointed out, apologise and resolve to do better. I would also sulk for a while out of awkwardness and embarrassment. Would still be the right thing to do and would be a lesson learned.

She is selfish and manipulative but I think that you will have to take this one on the chin.

Next time however, if MIL tries to steamroller BE CLEAR that you have plans in place and tell her that you will talk to DH and call her back.

Tell DH that you'd rather not change plans to accommodate MIL and perhaps you could all have dinner the following week (for example). You can then go back to MIL and say 'Sorry, we can't do that, but we can do next week'

Once she gets the message that you are operating as a couple with shared views, she might back off. And even if she doesn't it will stop you from feeling that you are up against her and your DH

Why on earth did you change your plans on your weekend away....you should have just said that it sounded lovely but you were away,.....the end......you are giving her the upperhand but changing stuff around to suit her and the more you do it, the more she will expect it to become the norm.

Why are you annoyed about the cake?

I'm always astonished at people on MN who change plans even for things like Christmas, often at the last minute for these selfish, entitled, thoughtless people. I sometimes feel I am too accommodating but it is the easiest thing in the world to say (truthfully and genuinely) "sorry we already have plans" or "actually that is not what we agreed, can we stick to plan A". You need to grow a backbone. At present I feel a bit like it is your own fault and I agree with Catsdon'tcare.

IMO there is nothing worse than someone doing something they don't want to do and doing it with bad grace. Either stand up to her (and expect the full support of your DH) or stop sulking. Sorry.

lol why on earth would anyone be annoyed by the size of a cake - that they didnt even have to buy

mmmmm cake

You're upset about being given a cake? Really?

Was it a big birthday or is your dh 6?

Just wondering about the big fuss.

Yes I also don't understand why the cake is a problem

Not to belabour it, but why on earth did you change your plans? Being away is the best excuse ever not to do something.

I would just let this one go and then try to be more assertive in future, both with not changing your own plans and not feeling bad if MIL makes incorrect assumptions.

I also think you should save the 'united front' expectations for really serious things, not cake and parties.

"We're having a meal at her house instead, on the weekend we're away. After a 10 minute phone conversation, she's changed the date to last night"

"MiL then asks what time we're going over to hers on DHs birthday..... She asks well what about the restaurant, she thought we were going for lunch"

If the above is accurate, then this suggests to me that your MiL is definitely being manipulative, rather than making an incorrect assumption. If she DID use the words "instead" and "changed the date" then you could be forgiven for assuming the get-together with them on the later date is no longer going ahead. (But you should have made doubly sure that your understanding was the same as hers - live & learn)

I agree with everyone else that you shouldn't have changed your original plans, but I imagine at the time you thought you were picking your battles by acquiescing.

The cake is an irritating side-issue, its become the metaphor for the overbearingness of her behaviour here. Its a shame you said you were a little annoyed about it as that has diluted for your DH your (IMO) justified annoyance at MiLs behaviour.

Its good that you didn't jump to accepting the situation was a misunderstanding on your part and trying to make up for that by offering to arrange something with them on the day. You also need to take from it that when it comes to arrangements with the PiLs, you make sure everyone knows and agrees on precisely what expectations and arrangements there are.

YANBU to be fucked off and a bit hurt, but YABU if you allow it to drag on and stay uppity with DH, as you've contributed yourself in no small part to create the situation you've found yourself in. Let it go.

Thank you all for your replies. Everyone that said I should not have changed our plans, you are so very right. I don't know why, but MiL seems to make all my assertiveness vanish. If you say no, you're asked (nicely) to explain, and any reason is "solved". She always seems to manage to wear me down until I end up agreeing and feeling like I got off lightly, until later when I've had a think about it. By then it's usually too late to do anything about it. DH is well aware of this, she does it to him too! I really don't think it's malicious, although she is fairly good at manipulating convincing people. For big family events she's usually trying to co-ordinate plans for lots of people, so I can understand why she does it. I just really need to grow a back bone for dealing with her when she's pushing it too far.

Catsdontcare - I don't want DH to have a word with her. I know that the party thing was my fault for letting it happen. What I wanted from DH was a bit of understanding. He is also completely crap at standing up to either of his parents, so he knew what I was on about. Even just a pat on the arm and a "sorry you're feeling annoyed" would have been better than being shrugged at, then ignored while he sent his mum a text.

As for the cake, I probably should have explained. DHs, DDs and my birthdays, I always make a cake, ice and decorate it. It is a big hobby of mine, when I had more time I used to make them for other people too. It is well known on both sides of our family, so we are not usually given cakes. At the dinner, the cake was shared out, the left overs came home with us. Yes, I was a bit put out by it, but not enough to make an issue of it. DH asked, so I made light of "the cake incident" but told him about the other things that had upset me.

I think I need to talk to DH and make it a bit clearer that I'm not annoyed at him for the plans changing, or for his mum, as none of that was his doing. I'm just hurt by his lack of, well, any kind of response, and at being ignored. I honestly thought I'd made that clear to him, but reading some of the replies I wonder if I really had.

SantasENormaSnob - yes, a big birthday! Definately bigger than 6. :)

See, you are a nice person.

To the nail comment I would have replied "Big deal" or even more childishly "woooooooooooh" (sarcastically)

I am not a nice person.