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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a Mummy's Boy and yet also think

26 replies

BandOMothers · 09/01/2012 00:33

That he can be if he wants to? I find myself so conflicted! If my Dad were still alive I know I would go to him for advice...so why does it wind me up when DH skypes his Mum and then sits there telling her things that I know will result in her pouring maternal sympathy on him??

He's sat there now...telling her how he pushed himself too far at work when he's recovering from a broken hip....he told me the same...I gave him the exact same advice his Mother is now giving him...I always do it seems!

He comes to me for some kind of Mothering quite often and I'm only just frigging realising it! Then he runs to his Mum as if my Mothering isn't good enough!

Gah!

I don't like him coming to me for "Mothering" but he seems to need it so much! His Mum lives abroad thank fuck so it's not as if I have to LIVE with this...but still...

OP posts:
Original poster
BandOMothers · 09/01/2012 00:39

Anyone?

OP posts:
momnipotent · 09/01/2012 00:41

Sometimes I think MIL hears more about DH's working life than I do, simply because she will pour on sympathy where I will not.

I just think to myself, I already have 4 children, don't need a fifth!

'

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/01/2012 00:44

What kind of relationship would you like to have with your adult sons, especially if they moved abroad?

YABU, in short.

In My Day, we were advised that the way a man acted around his mum was a good indicator of how he'd treat his wife.

Just saying, like.

Original poster
BandOMothers · 09/01/2012 00:46

Exactly...its like she can be arsed pitying him and I can't so I feel bad! I also think though that he shouldnt be worrying her...she's not so young anymore and has her own worries....he also gets annoyed with her when she fusses when SHE wants to and he hasn't gven her the "Nod" to have a little fuss of him...i think thats mean of him and also somehow game playing.

OP posts:
Original poster
BandOMothers · 09/01/2012 00:47

x posts

I said I know I am being U but I still get annoyed at hm....he treats her with no respect when she's being irritating to him....like if she offers advice when he's not "invited" her to.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 09/01/2012 00:54

I don't see anything wrong with speaking to your mom. I am not a man but I still call and talk to my mom about things. A couple of my sisters do. When pregnant and with first children, we could talk hours upon hours. Sometimes she gives unsolicited advice; sometimes she doesn't. I am adult but sometimes I just need to hear my mom's reassuring/sympathetic/blunt voice.

I mean my mom and I are close but we do irritate each other. But she forgives me and I forgive her.

Do you not talk to your own mother?

Original poster
BandOMothers · 09/01/2012 00:55

Yes....I just got annoyed at DH's patheticness when he told his Mum he was down for some reason...I have PMT and he's been in the house for 2 weeks...so mitigating circumstances!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 09/01/2012 00:57

But you are not his mother. You are his wife. I am also wondering if you are married to my husband! Grin

Luckily I have a fantastic relationship with my MIL, and we both know what a baby my husband can be at times, and how he loves to tell us both his woes..

She is more than happy to sit there listening and pat his hand, because she knows I am getting some peace at home while he is round there drinking coffee and getting sympathy.

Teamwork! Wink

horsetowater · 09/01/2012 01:14

I think you're probably making too much of this. He's probably just playing a role for her, to make her feel needed?

ComposHat · 09/01/2012 02:25

Yes....I just got annoyed at DH's patheticness when he told his Mum he was down for some reason..

He shares his feelings with his mum after being immobilised from what must have been a painful injury and he's being 'pathetic?' I think you might be confusing mothering and basic human empathy.

YABU

troisgarcons · 09/01/2012 07:42

Men marry clones of their mothers - so think on, all you ladies who bitch like hell about your MILS Grin

kreechergotstuckupthechimney · 09/01/2012 07:45

That's cheered me up no end trois
OP, I think you are being harsh. He's had a broken hip. Not exactly in the same category as a broken fingernail is it?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 09/01/2012 07:50

Squeaky has got the right idea.

I can see how irritating it can be, my dh can be a baby too but I have to do the mothering rather than his Mum because she is crap. Part of me is glad she doesn't baby him and that he doesn't go to her for that, but I also think that I love him, so why wouldn't I want him to get support for anywhere that he could if it makes him feel better?

Tricky one. Ultimately, it's not doing any harm, so I would just try to live with it.

diddl · 09/01/2012 08:07

I know that we will always be mothers, but doesn´t there come a point when you have to stop mothering iyswim?

If my husband is ill for example he will get "oh dear, hope you feel better soon, tell me if you need anything".

Same for my now teenage son.

If my son moves away, why would that change-especially if he has a wife to keep an eye on him!

Areallytiredwoman · 09/01/2012 08:53

My MIL died and although he didn't moan to her much (she would side with me and call him a twat Grin), he says that he just misses having someone to go to.

Sometimes its nice to whinge to those who love you unconditionally.

It is also ok to feel irritated at things you know you shouldn't but I spend half my life in this state and at the moment could happliy strangle my DP and DM - they haven't done anything wrong, I am just an irrational bitch

Hairynigel · 09/01/2012 09:09

Yabu

Snorbs · 09/01/2012 09:13

These men, eh? What with them being human and all and sometimes having emotional needs, never mind occasionally feeling down and wanting someone to talk to. What a bunch of pathetic bastards they are. And to think of a "man" wanting to have a chat with his own mother. The very idea! He must still be a totally immature mother's boy, mustn't he?

For fuck's sake. Sometimes this place does my bloody head in.

Hassled · 09/01/2012 09:21

I'm with Snorbs - I have an adult DS and I hope I will always be the person in his life he can winge to and moan at when he needs to offload, much as I know he has the love and support of DIL. But DIL loves and supports him in a different way - let your MIL do the mothering he needs. It's not your job.

OTheHugeManatee · 09/01/2012 10:09

Thanks to some of the stereotypes out there about what 'real men' are like, lots of men are either totally bottled-up or emotionally dependent on their wives for support. Instead of making sneery judgements like 'mummy's boy' you should be thankful that you have a DH who doesn't just drink or shout at people when he's feeling down, and doesn't just lean on you, but instead is able to confide in both his wife and his mother. Talk about nice problem to have Hmm

loosyloo · 09/01/2012 10:14

we all need our mums when we are feeling down or poorly

OHs just dont cut the mustard Im afraid

TeaCider · 09/01/2012 10:17

I hope my Ds feels he can still come to me when he's older, he's only a baby at the moment, the MIL posts on MN fill me with dread.
I'm sure you're just having a grumble OP we all need one sometimes Grin, I do wonder why you feel mothering him is your role though when you are his wife.

diddl · 09/01/2012 10:26

"we all need our mums when we are feeling down or poorly"

I´m obviously very, yery odd then!Grin

BlueFergie · 09/01/2012 10:27

When I'm down or sick often the thing I want most is a cuddle and a chat with my mam. If that makes me a mammys girl then so be it. I hope my DD and DSs feel the same when they are older. She is his mother what's wrong with her mothering him?

ViviPru · 09/01/2012 10:30

Imagine it the other way then. DP never tells his mum if he's struggling with anything, so the PiLs are constantly labouring under the misapprehension that we lead some kind of magical charmed life, which leads to a whole other raft of problems.

mishtake · 09/01/2012 10:32

Man likes to chat to mum and this make his a "mummy's boy"? Confused
One of the things I like most about DP is the closeness of his relationship with his Mum and sister.