to think that my mum is crap at birthdays?

[TheGrimGardener]

I am probably but need to vent so will take a flaming as my penance.

DC and I have birthdays close together. DM lives 20 minutes away but didnt visit until days later. She brought presents but all were from her 'present drawer' (stuff she buys and thinks 'that would make a nice little present for someone').

It's not the presents themselves, it's the lack of thought behind them.

The problem is that DC & my birthday are at the same time as my late DF's. I guess that for DM the proximity of the dates means that DC & my birthday get mixed up with her own grief.

DF died nearly 20 years ago and every year since it has been the same.

DM is better (though not great) at birthdays the rest of the year. Sadly DC and I cant move our birthdays to another time of year.

I think you will just have to let go of this one. SOme people really are crap at presents and don't feel it necessary to much thought into making them "just right". I have had to learn this the hard way also...

That sounds pretty crappy, but if she is good in other ways then let it go. Perhaps you could suggest stuff or help her shop for the kids when they are old enough to be concerned and just take it on the chin for yourself?

Unfortunately I suggest things or say not to buy certain other things. Her memory is not great so she forgets the things suggested to buy, forgets that it is do not get X so I end up with, you guessed it, X.

I am only posting on AIBU as somewhere to vent. There isnt a way out of this. DM hates that birthday week.

DM is wonderful in so many ways, just not this one.

my grandma died on my 1st birthday so my mum doesnt like my birthday either, i get a card, a token gift and no fuss so i know how you feel :(

you are just going to have to accept it and have yourselves a party on your own with extra pressies for each other. tell her to send vouchers to make it easier for her and take the pressure off. dunno how old she is but my DM just can't cope anymore with the idea of buying presents for any of us so just gives money.

My late df and dh birthdays are very close together and also both very close (sometimes one falls on actual date) to fathers day. I find the week very hard as I miss my df and as much as I love dh I miss df too.
I am usually subdued for at least the date of df's birthday.
This year dh celebrates a special birthday so I am organising something for him a little later in the year. One reason being is so that my grief does not detract from dh's birthday.
Dh is not that bothered about celebrating his birthday however.

Op, I appreciate your point of view and your mothers point of view too. Could you perhaps arrange to do something one of the days with your dm so she may feel included. She may feel pushed out. Use the time to celebrate your df too?

Do you invite her round for a tea party or anything near your birthdays? She obviously doesn't know how important her presence and presents are.

birds - I dont expect my mum to make a big effort for DC and my birthday. What she does is almost anti-special (if you can get that as a concept!).

Of course we do the celebrating ourselves. DH & I are grown-ups and DC is too well mannered to show disappointment at another round of dreary gifts. We always ensure that PiL & DM are invited for tea/cake on or around the birthdays.

The sad thing is that my DM does think birthdays are important (including her own). I will never say anything to DM. When she is on form (away from this birthday week) she does make some effort. It is just this week. Perhaps in this week this is the best she is capable of.

Ho hum!