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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I am not maternal enough?

24 replies

Multifacetediguana · 08/01/2012 20:36

I have a ds who is one in two weeks time and am going back to work tomorrow after a year of mat leave. Our ds is wonderful and amazing, he has brought so much joy to our lives but he is still not a great sleeper and there have been times this year where I have found it hard.

Recently a good friend that I have made on mat leave announced her second pregnancy and tonight another close friend has announced she is expecting dc3, giving her 3 under 3! I am delighted for them both but it has made me reflect on my own choices. No way do I feel ready for another dc yet! I do have a time frame in mind, but I feel like we need to wait a while as life is chaotic enough with one dc! This has made me worry that I am not enjoying motherhood enough as I don't want to do it all again straight away!

Has anyone else felt like this? I also feel like going back to work will be enough of a challenge without having a pregnancy to worry about, so perhaps this is influencing my thoughts!

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 08/01/2012 20:41

Each to their own!

I couldn't even contemplate another child when my first was a year old

When he got to 18 months, things got much better and I started to think about having another

As it happens, there is 3.4 months between my two

I also work FT and have a lot on my plate (plus both poor sleepers)

I really think their decision doesn't reflect on you as such and whether you are or aren't matenal

nethunsreject · 08/01/2012 20:41

well, I have a 4yr age gap, so that might give you an indication of how long it took me to be ready.

It's true that quite a lot of people have their kids close in age, but lots of people take their time, for any number of reasons. And, indeed, many chose to stick with one. Different people have different reasons for their different family 'layout'. Don't compare your family to your friends.

Vicky0790 · 08/01/2012 20:43

God no, so many people have bigger age gaps. I have 4 dc and never thought I would and neither did anyone who knew me, things change and if they don't so what? Just go with it

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 08/01/2012 20:46

There is no reason in the world why you should have (if you ever do) another child just because someone else has. You wouldn't do anything else I hope! just because someone else did it, so why on earth would you make such a major massive life decision on the basis of what "she" did?
Do what's right for you and your family :)
I had pfb then no2 son 4 years later, then there's 8 years until DD, then two years between her and no3 son and another 2 years to no4 son. Gives us 16 years between pfb and no4 son.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 08/01/2012 20:49

I have a friend whose mother jokes that she (the friend) was her sister's 21st present too - they are the only siblings and there is almost exactly 21 years between them!

hwjm1945 · 08/01/2012 20:58

i have an 18 month gap, not cos I really wanted to have anohter but cos I did not want DD to be an only and I knew if I left it, I would never want ot go back to that hell again. so people have them close together for all sorts of reasons, i wanted to get it all done with. what is maternal anyway? wanting to go back to work or finding ith ard deos not mean you don't love them

Shelly32 · 08/01/2012 21:33

I have twins and when the Dr asked 6 months after having them if i wanted any more I said 'NO!' and he promptly offered me sterilisation (which I politely declined). Being tired and not wanting to add to that exhaustion just yet, does not mean you are not enjoying motherhood and aren't maternal!! Give it time. You may want more children, you may not. You love this child and that's what counts!! Don't spend too much time analysing your feelings in this early stage or you'll send yourself mad. Enjoy your baby!

Rhubarbgarden · 08/01/2012 21:36

In my experience, those with offspring who are good sleepers tend to have closer gaps than those with bad sleepers. Sleep deprivation is a big deal.

JellyMould · 08/01/2012 21:38

I felt exactly like you when DS was a year old - I couldn't believe friends could face having another! I'm currently pregnant and there will be 3 years between the two.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/01/2012 21:43

there is 3 years between my children, no way was i ready was ds wasn't even 1

blondieminx · 08/01/2012 21:45

I reckon you just have to see what suits you as a family. DD 23m has always been a good baby and a good sleeper (though the reflux has not been so fun, but that's another story).... but the idea of a newborn PLUS a toddler going through the terrible 2's is not my idea of fun, so we'll be waiting a good while yet. Nice to have your body back for a bit too :)

Not wanting to knock them out one after another does not make you unmaternal!

babybythesea · 08/01/2012 21:50

I love my dd to bits and consider myself (and am considered by most friends) to be one of the most maternal people around. My dd is almost 3. We didn't even think about trying for a second until she turned 2. It's taken a wee while longer (and we're still trying, but hey!)so she will be nearly 4 at the earliest.
My view was that while I want her to have a sibling, I also want to enjoy each one. I loved the baby stage and am enjoying the toddler years(so nearly finished,sob!). She will be able to get free nursery hours next term, which means if a new baby does appear then I will be able to spend lots of time crooning over the new arrival just as I did with her, without her being jealous. And having spent lots of time with the baby in the morning, I can spend time with her in the afternoon without feeling bad that the baby never gets attention (I will print this out to remind me to laugh at my plans if a baby does ever come!)
I compare this to my cousin who had two close together to 'get the baby stage out of the way'. I don't want any stage to be 'out of the way' -I love each new stage but feel a pang of loss for the baby that dd no longer is. I feel I've had plenty of time to enjoy dd without feeling overly stressed with two small children under 2 and am really looking forward to sharing the next child with her as she loves babies and will be more than able to join in the fun of it all - makes it twice as special knowing she will mostly understand what is happening and be able to properly share it with us.
I hope at least some of that makes sense - it does in my head but is hard to write down.
A big gap is right for us (and is what we seemto be being given!). For my cousin,a small gap worked. She loves her kids and I love mine. She wouldn't change what she's done, and I wouldn't go down that road and do anything differently to how we've done it. Do what feels right for you. You're the one who has to live with it!

Rhubarbgarden · 08/01/2012 21:52

That's a lovely post, Babybythesea.

babybythesea · 08/01/2012 22:09

Thanks, Rhubarb.
Before I am accused of sounding smug, though, and in the interests of balance, I should add that while most of the time I love spending time with my dd, I do still have days where I sit back on my heels in despair as I try to figure out how to deal with the current crisis/tantrum, and think 'It is just as well we haven't a second child - I clearly can't manage the one I have...why would you willingly inflict two of these irrational, illogical and frustrating beings we call children on yourself?' (And then she asks me for yet another game of 'hungry caterpillar' which was fine the first time but now makes me want to stab my eyes with a pencil and I think - 'should have had number two immediately so they could play this game together and leave me out of it'!)

breatheslowly · 08/01/2012 23:16

You're not alone! We have a few sets of friends expecting number 2 and when they told us I has to bite my tongue from saying "congratulations, are you mad?" I adore my DD, but I have no feelings for the babies that are just a twinkle in DH's eye. DD is plenty for us at the moment and I have realised that when I used to think that I wanted children, I really meant that I wanted to be a mother and having just one makes you a mother just as much a mother as having 6.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 08/01/2012 23:20

You can still be a fantastic, maternal, wonderful mum and only have the one, work and have a social life you know :)

Just enjoy your life for what it is rather than comparing it to everyone elses. You'll only find something to pick at and get you down otherwise.

nomoreminibreaks · 08/01/2012 23:56

I'm a couple of months behind you and, while I know I'd like another, the thought of getting pregnant now scares the shit out of me!

I love my DS so much but I have to admit that becoming a mother hasn't been what I expected and I still find it very hard sometimes (could be leftover PND or just that he's a bad sleeper...). It hasn't put me off wanting another but just not for a while!

It's not so much about enjoying the baby stage. I think I need enough time to get over the last one

imaginethat · 09/01/2012 10:02

You'll come across more and more of them and eventually you will glaze over and stop noticing. You don't need to justify yourself (he's a poor sleeper etc).. you have one child and that's how it is.

You will also have some delightful people dispense advice e.g. "you should really get on with it if you want another" and "better to have them close together" and in these instances you, again, glaze over.

A lot of people talk a lot of crap and ultimately what matters for you and your family is what you want.

jasminerice · 09/01/2012 10:08

The 2nd one could have been an accident. I know many people with small age gaps and often it was a (happy) accident as most wanted 2 DC's anyway.

BsshBossh · 09/01/2012 10:32

I'm not maternal, never have been. I had a child because DH loved children. My DD is 3.5 and has enriched my life 1000-fold. But I'm still not broody for another. I am very contented with my decision to have an only child. Our life is lovely (and easy) as a unit of 3.

Being a woman, or even a mother, doesn't necessarily need to equate to feeling maternal or even "an ideal mother".

Go with the flow. Enjoy the time you have with your child now, in the moment. If you have another child later, enjoy it; if you decide to stick with one, enjoy that too.

Be content with your choices and remember that there are plenty of parents out there who adore/enjoy their DC but are not necessarily "motherly".

gilbert26 · 09/01/2012 11:55

Hi, my DS is now just one, and I have felt much the same as you. The first year has been, in turn, immeasurably more difficult and more lovely than is possible to imagine before I had DS. The thought of having another baby though is at the min so far away from my mind as to be non-existent.

I don't think that is anything to do with not being or feeling "maternal". After a few minor disasters, breakdowns and tantrums (from me not DS) along the way, I would like to think that I am not a bad mummy after all gilbert26 breathes on fist and rubs it on shoulder in totally irritating and incomprehensible manner

Maybe we will have another baby, maybe not. Neither decision will stop me trying to be a good mum to DS.

EssexGurl · 09/01/2012 11:58

It took me until DS was 3 to be ready to try again for number 2 and there are almost 4 years between them. Yes, lots of people I know have much smaller gaps but equally some people have much bigger and also quite a few of my friends only have the one. Being happy with your lot does not make you unmaternal. Maybe you will change your mind, maybe you won't - but what you do will be right for you and your family and that is the most important thing.

RealLifeIsForWimps · 09/01/2012 12:08

Everyone is different and all family circumstances are different. Small gaps are better for some, big gaps for some, and one child for others. Some gaps are by design, others by accident.

Personally I found a few months made a big difference to how I felt. When DS was one I was like "no way am i having another one." By 14mo I was entertaining the possibility, and now I'm pg and they'll be 22 mo apart. Mind you, there's still at least one day a week when I think "oh God"

RealLifeIsForWimps · 09/01/2012 12:09

My maths is pants. 23mo before anyone points it out

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