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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect --dp-- oh to

26 replies

OhDeeeeeryMe · 08/01/2012 20:09

Help out at home before offering to help the neighbours and the whole community Hmm

So loads of stuff needs to be done in the house, (it is in dire need of decoration and the paint and wall paper has been sitting there for over a year), I have 4 dc under the age of 8, youngest a few weeks old and despite all the outstanding laundry, washing up, and various other things which imo he should be helping with he offers help to the neighbour?!

The dog needs walking and 3/4 children are in bed but he is unable to do this as he has to tune the neighbours t.v.

There is no food in the fridge but he is unable to take me shopping / watch the kids whilst I go as he has to go to Ikea for the priest...

So AIBU or should he be helping at home before he offers time and help to everyone else first?

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 08/01/2012 20:13

YANBU my dp does exactly the same-of it was close friends and family he was helping I wouldn't mind, but it's just any old random from the pub. Everyone tells me what a lovely guy he is, so kind, so helpful, always putting himself out for others...I just want to scream 'at his own family's bloody expense'. Glad you posted this, I feel better for getting that off my chest, hope you do to.

Original poster
OhDeeeeeryMe · 08/01/2012 20:17

Confused I think that's exactly why they do it, to try and make other people think they are great Angry

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 08/01/2012 20:20

My exH was just the same would help anyone else bar his own family, I think he loved the praise and adoration that came from helping other people, but when it came to his parents or me and dc he just had no interest at all!

adinaabfab · 08/01/2012 20:59

OMG I would be having words. YANBU.

hugglymugly · 08/01/2012 21:32

"he has to go to Ikea for the priest" Shock

I suggest you make a list of everything that needs to be done, including occasional help with the shopping/children/housework - and tell him you're taking that list to the priest to ask if there's someone who could help you with all that.

bakingno4 · 08/01/2012 21:42

That's a good idea hugglymuggly! Adinaabfab I've had words, they seem to fall on deaf ears and anytime I bring it up I'm accused of either being selfish or incapable of doing anything for myself Confused

bakingno4 · 08/01/2012 21:48

Ooops at my friends house and jumped on her pc!

adinaabfab · 08/01/2012 22:15

Well if you have had word and he won't change, go on strike? not possible with4 DCs or dump the bastard.

lisaro · 08/01/2012 22:18

I know loads of people like this - usually it's just a nice guy that doesn't realise - sorry - I know that doesn't help you. But at least he's not a totally selfish git.

AKMD · 08/01/2012 22:24

YANBU. That is awful - has he read Bleak House?

21YrOldMan · 08/01/2012 23:39

"I think that's exactly why they do it, to try and make other people think they are great"

Do you make him feel great when he helps out at home, or do you huff and make sarcastic comments?

Maybe he enjoys helping out but feels if he helps out at home you don't thank him, but expect him to do more and more. Quit your entitlement mentality and start thanking him and praising him when he helps you, and not making bitter comments when he chooses to help people who make him feel good about helping them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 08/01/2012 23:41

Wtf? Looking after your own house and family is not 'helping' 21yearold. It is called being an adult, something you clearly have limited experience of...

WibblyBibble · 08/01/2012 23:42

YANBU but can you tell me the IKEA code for priests as I think one would look lovely on my coffee table.

lisaro · 08/01/2012 23:44

Sorry to other posters - don't want to dignify this crap. IKEA FOR PRIEST. did't click.

missingmumxox · 08/01/2012 23:47

I know loads of people like this - usually it's just a nice guy that doesn't realise - sorry - I know that doesn't help you. But at least he's not a totally selfish git.
MY dh is the same, I learned very quickly to wander past him with a unlikely tool sich as a axe say! (we do own one) and he asked what are you doinging?, me, oh! the shelf in the front room is loose!, job done Wink it is a top tip and saves months of nagging.

Original poster
OhDeeeeeryMe · 09/01/2012 12:17

lisaro could you clarify what did't click means I don't understand your post. 21yearoldboy, in regards to your comment about 'entitlement mentality' I work a 40 hour week and am a full time university student, I also have 4 children under 8 that I am the main carer of, so if you class me expecting their father to take some responsibility around the home before offering help to the neighbours and others then you need to grow up. Silly little boy.

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 09/01/2012 12:19

Doing his share around the house and with childcare is not "helping out"! Nor should he expect to be showered with praise for it.

SuePurblybilt · 09/01/2012 12:20

My Ex did this. It used to drive me mad, everyone said what a helpful, lovely chap he was. It was entirely done to look good.
What does the priest want in Ikea? tealights?

ChitChatInChaos · 09/01/2012 12:29

My Dad did this, and my mum is still full of bitteness, and TBH I don't exactly think of him fondly myself. I love him, but I really struggle to like him because he was never there for us as a family.

21yearoldboy - LOL, good one OP. Soooooo true!!!

Original poster
OhDeeeeeryMe · 09/01/2012 12:29

He wanted two side tables the £3.99 ones...He didn't even ask just mentioned he was looking for tables and OH decides to completely volunteer services Shock

Sue, it's so frustrating, then when you complain to RL friends everyone is like 'no, never, he's so helpful...' Blush

LesseroftwoWeevils I couldn't have put it better myself!!

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/01/2012 12:33

Exactly lesser

susiedaisy · 09/01/2012 12:55

Agree with lesser

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 09/01/2012 15:04

YANBU and I can't believe anyone should be showered with praise for looking after their own DC or wallpapering their own house or shopping for their own household. Hmm Shock

OTheHugeManatee · 09/01/2012 15:05

he has to go to Ikea for the priest

I had no idea Ikea did priests Shock

Lilyloo · 09/01/2012 15:18

lisaro what does that mean ?
ohdeereyme are you living at your friends house or just staying there ?