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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just because her dh doesn't help out...

10 replies

BlingLoving · 08/01/2012 19:58

I am away From dh and ds at the moment. Dh will be alone with ds, 7 months, for 10 days. When he comes back its a Wednesday so he will have ti continue to look after ds until the weekend as I am at work. He is a sahd.

When I was on mat leave, dh was amazing!! He did night feeds when I couldn't cope and most mornings got up with ds before he went to work so I could have a little extra sleep. He came home from work (pre stopping as sahd) as early as possible to help with ds and regularly took ds out aline on weekends to give me a break. and he did loads of housework etc so I didn't have to. So I feel when he gets back he needs a break.

A friend, also with a small baby, told me I was being ridiculous and started very aggressively going on about how everyone always thinks men are so marvellous if they look after their kids for five minutes etc. eventually I got annoyed and basically told her to stop it. The problem is that her dh hasn't got up in the night a single time, he looks after their ds but the moment he gets difficult he gives her back to my friend etc. but that's not my problem.

So was I but harsh to basically tell her that Im sorry her husband doesn't do as much as mine but that I want to make looking after ds as easy for him as he made it for me. I did not appreciate the lecture, nor the refusal to believe my dh isn't like hers.

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 08/01/2012 20:06

YANBU he will need a break and will also show him that you appreciate and value what he does for the family. I'm a sahm so opposite way round, but it would make my day if dp came home and put kids to bed or fed them to give me a break. It's not really any of her business anyway, it's your dp so you do what feels right.

DoMeDon · 08/01/2012 20:07

YAB a bit U to get annoyed with her. Why did it annoy you that she was wrong? She is having a hard time and venting to a friend. Maybe you feel bit defensive or even guilty that your DH does as much as he does?

Hassled · 08/01/2012 20:09

It's probably quite hard for her to deal with, though, isn't it? Can't be easy to have a friend with a copped on DH and a good relationship when you know deep down that your own DH needs to sort himself out. Don't be too harsh on her - she's wrong, but she probably knows she's wrong. It's just sticking in her throat.

WelshMoth · 08/01/2012 20:11

Perhaps her aggression was more distress? Or exhaustion? Or just generally pissed off. OK, she shouldn't have vented with you, but if she's a friend, then maybe you could see past this as being personal. You shouldn't have been so harsh. She's not as lucky as you.

kiki22 · 08/01/2012 20:57

YANBU my friend thinks that i praise my DP to much get 'oh Mr wonderful is he' comments all the time from her but the truth is i've had a bloody terrible pregancy and he has been wonderful she seems to really resent this and makes snide comments because her DP's a useless prick not as helpfull or supportive. I find it very annoying that she doesn't seem to think i should give DP the recognition or thanks he deserves.

BlingLoving · 08/01/2012 22:11

Well, I don't think she was venting. She was taking out her situation on me and being very aggressive. But I take the point overall. I will try to be more understanding when she projects onto me in the future but at the same time I am not going to appreciate dh less or let anyone judge him by another man's twatness.

OP posts:
Diamondback · 08/01/2012 23:43

Well, she probably was being overly aggressive, but you've made it clear to her that it's not on and you don't want to hear it, so enough said now.

My DH is brilliant and helps out loads with our DD and around the house, but I NEVER let on how great he is to my friends as most of them don't seem to get much support from their other halves and the last thing they need is to hear me banging on about how great mine is and how lucky I am. My DH knows I appreciate him, but he's the only one who needs to hear it.

Telling friends with unhelpful OHs how great yours is, is a bit like telling your friend how lucky you are to be rich and how much you appreciate your lottery win, when you know they're struggling to pay the bills...

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 09/01/2012 02:06

Diamondback - in principle (though not in your case specifically as it's your life and you are totally free to do as you prefer Grin) I disagree with looking at it like that - that view seems to me to be condoning/agreeing with the 'all men are crap' philosphy & not allowing your friends to see that it doesn't have to be like that and that their DH's could (& should!!) be more like yours. I think there's a fine line between allowing them to see that it doesn't have to be like that and rubbing their noses in it though! :)

Bling - I'm a bit confused by your friend tbh - your DH does loads, her DH does next to nothing, why shouldn't you do & say what you do? She seems to think it's fine for them to do feck all and not be pleased when they don't?!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 09/01/2012 02:31

She has a shit husband, personally I'd feel a bit too sorry for her to be annoyed.

Methe · 09/01/2012 03:12

I think women with shit husbands get defensive when they hear about men who actually pull their weight in the home.

My dh is great. He does as much as me, we are a team and that is how it should be. If he was a useless lump though and one of my friends was going on about how smashing their oh was I'd probably get defensive too because it'd remind me what a mug I was for putting up with mine.

She's probably more pissed off at herself than at you. Yanbu.

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