To feel irritated by sisters actions?

[NewYearFestiveCheer]

long backstory - basically my sis split up with her bf a couple of years ago and moved in with us for 6 months - she moved back in with him after he said they would buy a house together and was happy with him for another year. Then in oct/nov they split up again after he said he didn't want to buy somewhere after all and the place they were living got burgled so she didn't feel safe there. She's living partly at mums and staying at mine most weekends.
Recently she started seeing another guy but is still talking about her ex and how she still loves him. Yesterday she said she got a text off her ex having a go because he'd supposedly spoken to a friend of hers and been told she has a new boyfriend. When I said it had nothing to do with him it transpired that she may have had talks with him about getting back together.
I feel a) like she's asking for advice from me when only giving me half the story/telling me what she thinks I want to hear; b) is trying to manipulate her ex into buying a house for them and that is the real underlying reason she left him; c) is taking advantage of my hospitality - she's stays every week at least one night, expects me to do her some dinner, and doesn't contribute; and d) she told me this morning that she wants to be a housewife only work 2 days and be supported by a man which I told her I think she should work hard now, build up a business then she could drop her hours to 2 days and employ a manager to run the business ie be independent and not rely on someone else to support her.
AIBU?

I think I would tell her to stop sponging off of you and your Mum and then leave her to it. What she does from there is her problem.

What Gonzo said.

Just tell her unless she pays towards food & bills she's no longer welcome

YANBU to be irritated, but YABU if you don't do something about it. Say you're sorry, but she needs to find a proper home, and contribute financially and by helping out when she stays at yours.

Easier said than done, but I don't think you have much choice unless you want to stay irritated! Good luck.

She seems like a bit of a leech to be honest, sponging of you and your mum. Does she work?

Does it strike you as a bit odd that she got back together with her ex when a house was in the offing and then suddenly drops him when he raises doubts about this ? (understandable in the current climate).

She sounds shallow and materialistic, so you need to talk the language she understands: cash! Can you speak to your mum and present a united front. Work out a fair rent and you and your mum can split the rent on a pro rata basis.

Starting a business, building it up, and having it sucessful enough to retire and employ a manager is so easy to do, she can accomplish that in no time
Realistically, if you don't want her to stay at your house, tell her so. If you don't want to do her dinner, stop doing it. If you don't want to know about her love life, stop listening/tell her you aren't interested when she starts to talk about it.
Other than the bits where she is in your house, which is easily fixed by not opening the door and letting her in, none of the rest of it is any of your business.

She is a leech sponging of you and your mum, and her ex boyfriend. Do yourself and her a favour and kick her out to learn to be independent.

a) Don't get involved in her lovelife. Be a sounding board if she needs it but nothing more; b) let her get on with it when it comes to her ex. She's a big girl and he's a big boy; c) You're enabling. Tell her its been lovely having her but its time she moved on; d) She might have silly ideas but who cares? Reality will catch up with her sooner or later

And e) Paragraphs please.

I feel bad for posting now as have calmed down from earlier.

She does do a real lot for my mum and I don't know if she pays her something.

She works hard at her (self employed) job although not full time.

I know it's not easy to set up a business then leave it for someone else to manage but I think thats a better long term plan than finding a man to support you and sounds less gold-diggery.

She was getting a little place sorted for herself but I don't know how long it's going to be till she moves in there and I've got this feeling she's still gonna want to stay at mine regularly after.

Maybe I'm just feeling a bit resentful as we've got less money coming in now (zero maternity pay) and when she says things like wanting to be a housewife (no children) it irritates me.

Good for you OP. Not many people admit when they've been hasty.

(And A* for the lovely paragraphs )

You'd probably feel less irritated with her if she made the dinner occasionally, so suggest it firmly next time she invites herself round! Maybe fake an illness and call her to say "Oh, I'm too ill to cook - pick up a takeaway for us both on your way round."

If she sticks out her hand for money when she gets there, it's time to start seriously taking the piss out of her entitled attitude, as in, "Seriously? After all the free dinners you've had here?"

Is she really working that hard to make a go of her business if she's doing it ad hoc? The few people I know who have set up on their own work silly hours to get any sort of return, especially during the start up process. To be honest the fact that she is already angling to give it up, hardly speaks volumes about her commitment.

I'd still share your grievances with your mum and see if she does pay any rent, if so you are due a share of it, given that part of the week you are giving her bed and board. If not, you need to work out a plan to make sure you both get what's due. £120 a week (split between you and your mum) is not unreasonable for accommodation, food, heat light, washing etc. to ask your sister to contribute.

Thanks for your suggestion diamond I'll try that :)

Composehat I agree with you - she does work hard and has a solid client base but I agree it doesn't show commitment as she's not working full time to build her clients more and saying she wants to lower her hours and have someone support her eventually just smacks to me of killing time till she can stop working.
£120 a week?! Lol - I'd have no chance of getting anything like that - when she lived with us for 6 months she paid us £80 a month! Although she did buy most of her own food. She also told me back then that she couldn't afford to live in council housing (when I subtly gave her an application form) but then upgraded her car to a newer, more expensive car with savings a couple of weeks later!

This can be summed up in one sentence: she's taking the piss and you're enabling her.

Stay out of her relationships but knock the sponging of you on the head

off

I have to admit I have a grudgingly respect for your sister, sponging off so many people for so long, it takes some brass neck to ponce money off you your mum and her boyfriend.

£80 a month for full bed and board - blimey, that is taking the piss and is a calculated insult if she is buying a new car at the same time.

Agree with anyfucker stay out the relationship stuff, if her on/off boyfriend is daft enough to be used as a meal ticket, then that's his look out, but there is no reason why you have to do the same.

How old is she!!?

She is taking the piss big time, but you are letting her. Have you ever asked her for food or money or asked her exactly why she is still staying with you?

I would sit her down and say that you are on maternity leave and haven't got two pennies to rub together at the moment; so she won't be able to sleep/eat at yours any more. Why is she at your mum's some days then comes to yours-why can't she just stay at your mum's (or better still, rent a flat!)

I'm really not suprised her boyfriend didn't want to buy a house with her-he could probably see years of leeching. Does she have no ambition apart from being supported!?

I know exactly why she stays at mine every week and if it wasn't at mine she'd be in a caravan in the middle of a freezing field and it doesn't sit right with me letting her do that.

I will say to her that we don't have any money so shell have to start contributing more. I think that's fair and I think we've propped her up enough recently and in the past for her to contribute a bit more and I don't want to feel used (which I occasionally do).

I think it's a bit harsh saying she's a sponger as she does do a lot for my mum and for all I know she could be giving her something.

My mum lives 10 miles away (in the sticks) and I live near town and her place of work so it's handy for her to stay here when she goes out.

I will make an effort to keep out of her relationships but find it hard when she asks me what I think.

I just don't want to fall out with her but am starting to feel that I'm having to pull her up on house rules nearly every time I see her ( ie not wearing shoes upstairs, not rolling cigarettes in the house).

I honestly thought that everyone would say IABU but now it's written down I feel thatits ok for me to feel aggrieved.

PS she's 27!