AIBU to be feeling second best?

[Syd35]

Maybe this should be posted under relationships? Anyway, I am DH's second wife, his first wife left him for another man. We got together very soon after this happened and I'm sure everyone thought it was a rebound romance. But here we are 10 years down the line with a lovely DS. Problem is I am beginning to wonder if I just came along and picked DH up when he was down and he stayed with me for fear of not finding anyone else.

Luckily, there are no children from his first marriage but I know that he wanted to have children with his ex although she didn't want to. DH has never really made it clear he wanted children together but we agreed to try which resulted in DS. I would now love another child but he is adamant he doesn't want another one.

I suspect he never totally got over the break down of his first marriage but he never speaks about it and will only refer to his ex as "the bitch". In the past I know he has looked at old pictures of her and found out the other day he uses her date of birth for a password.

Am I being unreasonable to be feeling second best?

No you're not being unresonable but i do think you'd maybe be better posting in relationships. :)

Sadly, I think YANBU.

The password thing might not be a conscious act, could it just be something that he used back then and never changed?

Taking everything into account, he does seem a bit troubled.

Sorry you're feeling like this, it must be awful.

It sounds like there is still a lot of anger there, probably because of the way the relationship ended and how quickly he committed to you without givibg hinself a chance to work his feelings about her out of his system but I wouldn't be too worried if I were you.

He is obviouslyharbouring thoughts of her which means there are still some feelings on his side but I expect these are less of love and more of bitterness and resentment which can be notoriously harder to let go of.

He could have been checking up on her to reassure himself that her new relationship has gone tits up and he is far happier with his new life than she is with hers.

Does he know you know all this?

Nope, not U, but maybe there are some other warning flags here:

Refering to his ex as 'the bitch'. It is a very bad sign about his opinion of women/relationships that he still carries so much animosity towards her.

He says she left him for another man. I don't know whether this is the case (how could I?) but it is a very common reason given for the end of a r/ship, as it makes the man into the injured party, and gives the new women a strong desire to prove that 'she is not like that'. How much to you know from independent sources about his previous marriage?

Another example of this is that you say that he has told you he really wanted children with his ex, but she was the one who refused. But when it came to planning your own DCs, he was ambivalent, and has since decided against having any more. Could it be that he was also the one in his previously r/ship who said No to children?

You are getting 'warning signals' for a reason. Don't be too quick to dismiss your feelings.

You wouldnt be thinking that unless there was another trigger for those feelings.

With the best will in the world, I would hesitantly suggest any sane person would seriously look, in these economic times, at the justification of increasing family size. Worries take many forms.

No explantaion for the PW though excapt nyone with any semblance of keeping safe on the internet would NEVER use their own immediate family birthdates - far too obvious a guess.

Thanks for the comments, they are mostly spot on. I think we got together too soon after his first marriage breakdown and consequently he hasn't had chance to enjoy any time as a single man. They got together young and were together a good 10 years so he went from one long-term relationship to another very quickly.

Yes tigermoll it is true, I have seen the divorce paperwork where she admitted her infidelity and his mum has been very vocal about the whole thing in the past.

karenjones yes he knows I know about the password thing and says he uses her date of birth rather than any of ours for security reasons. I asked him why he was looking at old pics of her and he denied it, which I know is a lie. He says he is over her but I'm not so sure.

I actually looked her up out of curiosity and found out she has now remarried (not to the man she left him for) and has fostered a couple of children. I told him this and he never said much.

His reasons for not wanting any more children are because he says I'm too soft with DS and we bicker alot as we don't agree on the discipline side of things. Also I had a difficult birth and I think that scared him a bit.

I would say we are generally quite happy but I guess I just don't feel very adored or maybe that's just a romantic notion.

Is there a reason you can't talk to him about all this?

It's not a romantic notion to be adored although not always a realistic one! However, its always going to be a challenge getting into a relationship with someone who isn't over their previous one. It's also true to say there will always be some element of baggage from a former marriage but not an unhealthy amount.

I'd be concerned that he cannot speak reasonably about his former wife. To be calling someone "the bitch" this far down the line suggests he is far from over the breakdown of that marriage. I'd also question why you'd want to have another child with someone so clearly against the idea.

So while I hate to sound pessimistic, I'd shelve any ideas about further children until you've tackled some of the current problems in your marriage. Would counselling help your DH do you think?

Good advice Pandemoniaa

I think he must have come to terms with it somewhat as in the early days he used to tell anyone who would listen that his wife left him for another man but thankfully he stopped that a while back as it used to really bug me.

I know in my heart another child probably isn't the right thing if we are both not totally on board, but I don't want to leave it too long as not getting any younger. I don't know if he will ever change his mind as I have been speaking about it for a while now and get the same response. It just seems everyone around us is having more children and I envy the friends who's partners seem to really dote on their children.

Funny you should mention counselling as he has had a few sessions late last year but is reluctant to discuss anything they spoke about.