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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to write to the midwife and doctor that almost destroyed me?

24 replies

mosschops30 · 07/01/2012 17:15

The other 'fuck you songs' thread reminded me that whenever i listen to the sugababes stronger it makes me think about what i went through, that i eurvived, that i am battered but not broken and that i am 'stronger'.
I have this feeling of wanting to tell them what they did, how they made me feel, to never make another woman feel that way.

Of course i couldnt do it now because we are in the middle of legal action.

But AIBU to want to do this when its all over

OP posts:

MaryPoppinsMagic · 07/01/2012 17:19

mosschops

I don't this you would be wrong to write them a letter to tell you how it felt, if you are in legal action could you maybe write something that would help your case? to show how hurt you are by the actions of these people?

LoveInASnowyClimate · 07/01/2012 17:22

Maybe write it but don't send it? It might be therapeutic? Sorry you had such an awful time .

Original poster

mosschops30 · 07/01/2012 17:23

I have already done that for the case, but i doubt they will ever get to read the finer points (mw not involved in legal case anyway).
I dont want it to be an awful letter, just some realisation for them on how their actions affected me, however im a nurse and dont know how appropriate it is to do that to another HCP.
I like to think that if i had failed a patient i would like to know so i coukd change my practice but in reality i dont know how id feel about getting a letter

OP posts:

Lulumama · 07/01/2012 17:25

YANBU

I would certainly want to do the same, you are not just a statistic or the subject of an investigation/complaint/legal action

you are a real person who was hurt by their actions and they should have to face it as a reality not just some words on a page

Lulumama · 07/01/2012 17:25

I think you have to do it in quite a dispassionate way

almost like bullet points, a list maybe

Kayano · 07/01/2012 17:27

Omg it must have been bad sorry I don't know the back story. I would write but not send it ESP if case is ongoing

MrsB24 · 07/01/2012 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 07/01/2012 17:30

I dont expect or want a reply, and it wont be a complaint. I cant have any contact with them at all whilst the case is ongoing, i would wait until afterwards.

I just dont want it to appear threatening in any way

OP posts:

Kayano · 07/01/2012 17:39

If you can't have any contact with them don't send it

MrsB24 · 07/01/2012 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

agedknees · 07/01/2012 18:39

mosschops - write the letter, it will help you. But don't send it (legal action pending).

Have you had counselling? It really helps to talk it through.

Original poster

mosschops30 · 07/01/2012 18:51

Yes thanks still having counselling 2 years on, and back on meds.

But if i dont send it, it defeats the object. I want them to know how they made me feel, its not a therapeutic exercise for me, i have done similar in counselling

OP posts:

MrsB24 · 07/01/2012 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somanychildren · 07/01/2012 21:49

All the way through this, remember how brilliant you are, how amazing it is that you have coped with adversity so well, and that you will get through it in the end.

edwinbear · 07/01/2012 21:51

Once the legal case is finished, any settlements have been paid and assuming there are no clauses attached which would prevent you doing so - no, I don't think YABU at all. My family have been in dispute with a money grabbing whore my late father's mistress for the past 3 yrs. Once it's all over i intend posting her a copy of Kanye West's Gold Digger. Of course I may not, but at the moment, the thought that I'm going to has helped no end.

TheLightPassenger · 07/01/2012 21:55

Have word with your solicitors, maybe they could add a paragraph to your witnesss statement about how you felt about your "treatment", would imagine the mw and doctor involved would be shown a copy of your statement.

ToothbrushThief · 07/01/2012 21:58

mosschops - I did this. I wrote and wrote and wrote via the hospital.

They sent back the usual flannel response written by a woman trained in writing just such a letter.

I needed to talk to the people who traumatised me.

Eventually a meeting was set up. Midwife could not look me in the eye. She had a different perception of events to me inevitably but it was also obvious she knew she'd got things badly wrong.

It helped meeting her. I had to push and made it abundantly clear that I was after closure rather than litigation (in my case)

I wish you well. I had PTS and cried for yrs after the birth. My DD is 20 and I am fine now. I went on to have one to one care with an ace midwife who restored my confidence.

YankNCock · 07/01/2012 22:04

mosschops I think we were on the same antenatal thread, really sorry to hear you are still suffering.

I am pregnant again, and it brought back all the awful memories of my antenatal care the first time around. To the point I started shaking and crying again just talking about the rotten midwife. I've arranged to be seen by a completely different team outside my area so there's no chance of even seeing her. I never made a formal complaint, and now wish I had. I'm still considering doing it.

blondieminx · 08/01/2012 00:58

Mosschops I remember you, we were on the Childbirth forum at about the same time (my DD born January 2010) and I remember being particularly shocked at what you went through given you were "one of thier own", a fellow HCP. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear that you are still having such a bad time, and to wish you a kindly judge for your legal case. I hope that process helps in some way, will you have to be in the same room as the team that worked the shift you happened to give birth in so that they can see/hear your pain and anguish? It seems that this is not about writing anything per se, but it's about the people involved in your birth REALLY understanding what they put you through?

Yank if you don't complain then practice won't change. Someone else will go through what you went through (or worse). At the very least write to them, please.

Moominsarescary · 08/01/2012 01:40

I've been thinking of doing the same, I just don't know where to start. I'm waiting for an appointment with my consultant but I'm not even sure I'll be able to say how I feel. I struggle talking about it in rl

Jacksmania · 08/01/2012 04:04

Mosschops, I remember your birth story and the unbelievable shit you went through after. Yours made my own experience seem like a walk in the park.

I don't live in the UK, but here in Canada when a homicide or assault case goes to trial, survivors or surviving family members can write what is called a Victim Impact Statement which is read out loud during the case. It is a factual detailed account of the impact of the crime on those affected by it.

Perhaps you could write something like it? Something factual and clear that lays out, in detail, the effect their actions had on you, the victim, who is also a health care provider, who knows what kind of care should have been given and exactly how spectacularly they failed a basic standard of care (which is safe delivery of a baby without leaving baby's mother shredded in body and mind).

Original poster

mosschops30 · 08/01/2012 17:04

Thank you all for your kind words and comments .

the mw does not come into the legal case, only the doctor as its a medical negligence matter.
I have done a large statement on how what happened has affected me, how it led to PTSD, ruined my first months with ds2 which i can never get back, had to give up my job in theatres, endless counselling and unable to live without medication at the moment so they will know that.
I have no idea if that doctor will be in court if we get that far. He no longer works there, he now has a consultants post in another hospital. However i often wonder what would happen if i saw the midwife who 'looked after' me after the op, as we work in the same hospital, fortunately for her its never happened!

Im not moaning about healthcare in general, i did have some fabulous care whilst i was there, i bought presents for quite a few of the staff, but the ones who were bad were spectacularly awful

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 08/01/2012 17:17

Like others I think you should write it; I also think you should send it to the Chief Executive of the health trust. Not to be nasty in any way to the midwife concerned but to make those who are in charge of training and who can make changes of exactly how the behaviour/professional practice of a member of the midwifery/nursing staff made you feel. If it's from the heart and identifies key factor that could be changed to improve services for all women I think it will be taken seriously and I think it might have an impact.

However, as you are in the process of legal action, I do think you should liaise with your lawyers about what you are sending and why providing it's within the scope of their advice to you. If the m/w is not involved in your litigation it may be permissible to raise a complaint in relation to what she did to improve services for others in the future.

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.

A1980 · 08/01/2012 23:35

Do not write to these people if you are in the middle of legal action. You might give away information that is harmful to your case without realising it.

I am a pi/clin neg lawyer and if one of my client's did this without telling me, I would not be happy. You should have no contact with them whatsoever.

I don't know what stage of legal action you are up to, but not very far I imagine. I am guessing that the case isn't very far along as a witness statement doens't seem to have been drafted for you. You will get your chance to state your case and your feeling during the course of the case. Your lawyers will have to draft a witness statement for you and you can detail what they did, how you feel and the prfound affect it has had on your life. That will be given to them when exchange of statements comes up.

If your case doesn't get that far or it settles before you need to serve a statement, you can wirte to them after the legal action is completed and when there will be no chance of harming your case.

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