to think I've been a rubbish friend? Or am I beating myself up?

[Newmummytobe79]

Baby is 3 1/2 months old. I had a v tough birth which resulted in an emergency c section and struggled with borderline PND - which I'm hopeful has gone now.

I've always been there for friends and said yes to all social events prior to DC being born.

When I was in a daze (weeks 1 - 6!) and had cabin fever due to not being able to drive, I attended 2 friends parties - albeit for a short while, but as they were daytime-nightime affairs, we took baby during the day. I didnt want to let said friends down.

We had a family Christmas (spent with both my family and DH's) and decided to stay in NYE - had an invite from friends with children (most of my friends attended this with their children) but declined as didn't want to be ferrying baby after midnight and one of us wouldn't have been able to drink - therefore stayed home, put baby to bed and enjoyed a few drinks with DH :)

I've declined an invite this weekend (2 days notice) as it's for a younger girl I know (a sibling of a friend) and will be a wild night out (which I'm not up for ... just yet!). As I used to be a bit of a party animal, never turn down a short notice invite and always be first to the bar ... I feel like I'm a bit of a letdown.

In all honesty I know I could find a babysitter at short notice but as DH has worked all week (including today) I just want some time with him and am knackered from looking after baby on my own for the majority of the week.

I've suggested a girls night out in a few weeks (to give friends with children time to find sitters/check with DP's) as I really miss them all and feel bad about NYE. I've had a reply from one very friend who couldnt thank me enough for suggesting it (which I was really chuffed about) but am yet to hear back from a few more - but I'm sure they'll get back to me in the coming days.

Am I beating myself up about not going out as much as I used to and will they understand due to baby ... or will they think I'm using DC as an excuse not to go out?

I'm not sure if you're being serious or not to be honest. If you think your friends will be annoyed about you not going out when you have an absolutely tiny baby then they must be pretty shit friends. You've already gone out more than I did for the first year of my son's life! Good friends understand that a baby is tiring and difficult to ferry around. If they give you hassle then you know they're not up to much.

Of course they'll understand! If they don't they can babysit - that'll help them get it! 3 and a half months is nothing, you are doing well to get dressed never mind dressed up. You do exactly what you feel up to. You'll never have this time again, don't run yourself ragged doing what other people want you to. In the nicest possible way, they will manage without you .

I think you are over thinking it. You have had a baby. You have signs of PND. You need time for your body and mind to adapt into your new family.

Are you one of the first in your group of mates to have a child? Ate you thinking they are raising their eyebrows at each other thinking "huh won't see her again now she's had a kid."

Of course your life changes when you have a baby. And you do lose contact with some friends but gain others.

Do what you want to do and quit the guilt. Sometimes it's worth making the effort but you also need time out.

Well I'm glad I'm not being a crap friend! I have a mix of friends with school age children (who now seem to have social lives again!) and friends without kids - who party every weekend (a tiny bit sometimes!)

We do struggle to get together and I've always understood when friends with children (prior to my baby days) couldnt go out, so I will indeed quit the guilt and put a bottle of in the fridge for me and DH to enjoy tonight - cheers!

YANBU it is understandable with a young baby your life is going to change, and if they do not understand or make you feel bad or guilty, they are obviously not good friends at all.

You are beating yourself up to a ridiculous degree! It's hard on your friendships when you have your first baby - IME, you're doing pretty well if you're keeping in touch and showing an interest in their lives. You shouldn't be expected to attend compulsory piss ups as well! Don't sweat it.

Friends with school age kids will remember that it's much harder with a new baby, especially your first. Friends without kids may not understand but must realise it changes things however naive they are. YABU to worry. Focus on your new family for now - you too will get a social life back later

I think your friends need to understand you have different priorities now and a new baby and you are top priority and if you dont want to go out then dont imo friends come and go well they should come and go with you , and I wasnt up to party nights when mine were wee like that , i wanted to stay in and sleep , if they go funny with you then they are rubbish friends ,

You're on the brink of realising that you can't do everything and be all things to all people without suffering in mind and body. Good for you! Took me bloody years to get my head round that one! Now do it guilt-free ;-)

One of the wonderful things about motherhood is learning to say no. I used to make sure I attended everything going and would go well out of my way to do favours for friends. I got pleasure out of this. When dd came along I swore I wouldn't be 'one of those mums who drops friends' and was briefly obsessed with maintaining a business as usual attitude. Then it dawned on me that nobody actually expected me to still be behaving like this, and I had nothing to prove. And that when you have a baby you have to put them and yourself first. Once I realised this, and started to say no and not feel guilty about it, life became so much easier. I remember a friend ringing me and asking me if I could make a last minute 3 hour round trip to collect a birthday cake for her husband's party. For a split second I started running through the logistics in my head, how I could make it happen etc etc, then I thought 'No. Actually, I can't do this. And it's ok'. Such a liberating moment and I've never looked back.