AIBU reasonable to want to spend money my own way?

[Wellthen]

Ok, genuine question here, I'm in a conundrum that I'm not normally in. I'm in my mid twenties and have just reached that stage where my friends are moving to different parts of the country and are earning different amounts of money. So, when we want to go on holiday, everyone has different amounts theyre happy to spend. I understand that you have to accomodate a little, the point of holidaying together is to be together, not exotic locations etc.

But, here's the issue: planning a trip to London with friends. Initially one friend suggested prices that were, whilst not out of my league, unecessarily expensive and everyone went mad. Since then planning (on facebook) has been a fiasco. Everyone is arguing and insisting we spend less and less. My problem is that this is starting to affect the things we want to do - people are not prepared to spend money on activities and I think this will spoil the holiday. I also feel people are being unreasonable in their expectations. We're staying overnight and traveling from the North of England and someone has put their budget at £100. I just dont think this enough! They dont seem to understand how expensive London is and also how pointless it is to go to London to do things we could do at home or, worse, to do nothing. True, London has lots of activities that are free but not all of them. We've all been to London before so sight seeing isn't really on the cards.

Should I just accept that people have different amounts of money and go with the lowest budget? Theres only 4 of us going so its not really an option to say 'people just do the things they want', we've decided to do things together. Or do I say 'you are being unreasonable, this is not enough money, if you dont like it then tough!' (Though perhaps not in so many words)

Your friend with a budget of £100 is BU. I'm from the North but live in London, my last return train ticket was £106, how is she going to pay for her accommodation etc? She should just gracefully leave you guys to it if she can't afford the trip.

Why not each of you do some research, and come up with a list of, say, 5 things you want to do (do it independently, not on Facebook) along with prices.

Then each of your find three places to stay, again with itemised prices. Same for travel.

Then sit down together and see if you can come up with a compromise. See what the 100 quid person comes up with - I suspect when she actually does the research herself she will realise that 100 isn't enough.

I think you're getting to the stage where group holidays are becoming more hassle than they're worth.

Ask your friend with the £100 budget what she plans for the trip. Let her see for herself how far her money will take her... im thinking not even there and back let alone with a bed for the weekend!

DH and I recently had a weekend in London, like you we have been lots and no longer do too many tourist attractions. We went by train for 2 nights B&B in an average hotel, saw a show (think it was my festive spirit) meals out, a bit of shopping, wander around the winter wonderland etc...

We were almost £1000!

I agree with Callin. Not only do friends incomes vary wildly throughout your 20s, its also a time when priorities start to differ. Someone may be able to afford to spend more, but they only want to apportion £X amount to this particular break with these particular friends.

Once, I got pretty pissed off when friends we went on [our only annual overseas] holiday with had a dismally meagre budget and just wanted to self-cater in the small apartment every night and not do any of the activities - on an alpine activity holiday. They were saving for their main beach holiday later in the year that we weren't aware of when we booked. I got over myself and just let them do their thing while we did ours but I never made the same mistake again.

If they can only apportion £100 for a weekend in London, then they really ought to give the whole thing a swerve. Going along with the lowest budget is going to be no fun for any of you, as you say, people just going off doing their own things according to their individual budget isn't going to work. At the same time, you absolutely cannot tell someone that they must spend more when they're clearly not comfortable doing so.

YANBU for wanting to spend your money in your own way, but YABU to expect your friends to want to spend it in the same way as you. Holidays with this particular group are just going to be problematic now so best avoided.

Thanks guys, Vivi I think you've prob hit the nail on the head. There isn't much we can do about it, perhaps just best avoided (or done in a different way, like everyone going to someones house.) I'm gald to have heard what you all say as this is becoming a problem with many friendship groups (especially when some friends decide to move to Scotland!! So travel is always 10x more expensive for them).

But perhaps I should be slightly more clear: I didn't mentioned before (as I didnt want too many details in case of being 'outed' but I think the chances of them being on here is nil!) but its a hen night so no chance of just cancelling! We're all bridesmaids so all have to go. The bride wants to see a show - I want to sit in good seats but these are expensive. Even after reducing travel and hotel costs from the orignial suggested, some people still dont want to spend much on the show. This really annoys me as it is the bride's treat and I admit to being a bit of a theatre snob - I dont see the point in going to look through binoculars. Uneasonable?

I think asking the friend who only wants to spend £100 to plan the weekend she would like is a great idea. If you feel that it's too restricting, put a different idea forward. Or, you could each plan a weekend within your individual budget, with prices and then get together and come to a compromise.

The friend in Scotland is in a different friendship group by the way. Not that it matters!

Hen night! Ooo that's a whole other juicy AIBU. Is her £100 to cover accommodation too?

What about you all getting the Megabus down instead of the train? You used to be able to go from Manchester to London for £1, I don't know if that's still an option but there are many cheaper options than train. It could be fun getting the bus with loads of friends. Or would you be able to book cheap train tickets well in advance? Can get some good bargains that way. And I think you are being a bit U about theatre: I've seen loads of shows in cheap seats and still really enjoyed it. Would you really not enjoy it at all up in the gods? If you genuinely wouldn't, do you all have to sit together?

I think you're probably going to have to go with the lowest budget, tbh. Particularly if this is genuinely all your friend can afford. If she only has that to spend, she only has that to spend.

I would offer to pay the theatre tickets as a wedding present.

I'd compromise on the theatre tickets. I've lived in London for 30 years and some of the best theatre experiences have been from up in the gods. That includes a hen night trip to Priscilla last year with a group of reasonably affluent friends all around the same age as me ie late 40s early 50s.

Actually if it's a hen night I think that does change things quite a lot. It's rather selfish to force people on a weekend away that they can't really afford just because someone is getting married. So sorry I think you're being quite unreasonable here

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the theatre tickets. I'm a bit of a theatre snob too, and I like to be able to see the faces of the actors if I can. It would spoil it for me if I was sitting too far away, especially of it was a show I really wanted to see.

What exactly is this friend expecting to get for £100? That can't be her budget for everything. How long are you planning on staying for?

All that said, I think it's out of order for brides to say they want to do that sort of thing for their hen nights if people have no choice but to stay over and are obliged to go.

Are you the organiser?

Book your train tickets well in advance via NationalRail my son got a ticket that should be 35 at £8 cos he booked two weeks before.

have a look at the Superbreak website. I used it for a similar girls weekend and we got a nice hotel and reasonable theatre tickets, plus a after-theatre supper for a good price.

After reading your OP I thought YANBU and the friend with a £100 budget was being unrealistic.

However, I think YABU about the theatre tickets. The good seats are very expensive, and would seem like a real waste of money to anyone who isn't that bothered about going to the theatre.

I organised my friend's hen night in London. She initially suggested a show, but we had exactly the same problem and ended up going bowling instead. I do appreciate that you can go bowling anywhere which isn't true for a West End show, but the main point of a hen night is to have a laugh together, isn't it? Why not go on a separate trip to London with your boyfriend / best mate / sister / whoever and go to a show then?

Urgh, hen nights... Nightmare to organise. Don't envy you one bit. My bridesmaids all fell out over mine due to wildly differing budgets and the whole thing was a horrible experience.

I think hen nights do differ from a holiday that you have all decided to do together, as some people will always feel obligated and resentful. The only way to avoid long term feelings of annoyance on all sides is to keep things as cheap and cheerful as you can. Try serviced apartments instead of hotels as these can work out cheaper and are good fun for small groups. And although I sympathise with your feelings about cheap theatre seats, I think the only way you can keep everyone reasonably happy is to suffer them on this occasion.

What about renting an apartment together rather than going to a hotel? Might be another way to keep costs down, and it's probably more fun than all being in separate rooms in a big hotel anyway. It's becoming popular for hen nights.

I think it is unreasonable for people to want wildly expensive hen and stag "nights", or, rather, holidays.
Why can't they be true nights and just a local outing?
I would think a budget of £100 for a hen do is quite reasonable. Much more than that and don't be surprised if some people don't attend.
Unless the bride is prepared to pay for her friends to go.

Well, I suspect the friend could also say she wants to spend her money her way. Yanbu to think £100 is too little realistically, but Yabu to expect them to share your priorities on things like theatre seats.

YANBU about £100 not being enough.

I had exactly the same thing with a meet up in London (nothing as important/emotive as a hen night) and one person showed up and said they were only paying for their return ticket and weren't going to spend anything else all day so they didn't eat and wouldn't buy a travel card which made the whole day really tricky especially as they wouldn't let the rest of us pay for lunch/coffee/travel card for them.

Made the whole day a bit uncomfortable and was really frustrating for those who'd travelled a long way and wanted to "do London".

Good luck!

It can be done! Friends hen night in sep was train, west end & hostel for £90. This was sat/sun. 3 hens sharing a room in the hostel. Average seats to see rock of ages.

My hen night, again train, west end but hotel in 2010 was about £90 as the train tickets were cheaper and the show was too, average seats for legally blonde, two hens to a hotel room.

There's only certain train routes that do cheap tickets but they seem to be to London, we've got Manchester- London return for £22 and Sheffield- London return for about £35.

Coach or megabus can keep costs down, if there's a lot of you a hostel is ok. West end is a funny one, our shows were cheap because they were new, when I looked at more established ones the tickets were at least £50. Maybe your friend who hasn't got much money could miss the theatre & go shopping instead to save cash? I wouldn't cancel bits but what I did for mine is give people options so some came to theatre and then went home, other's stayed all weekend or could have missed theatre & met us later.

Have fun :)

What exactly does this £100 have to cover? If you are expecting everyone to spend £100 on theatre tickets, YABmassivelyU and need to back down immediately. It is completely unnecessary to spend that much, and as someone who goes to the theatre quite regularly, I can tell you there aren't many shows that you can't see for cheaper and still get decent seats.

If, however, £100 is to cover the whole weekend, then you really need to clue this BM in as to how much London is realistically going to cost her.

On the theatre thing specifically what are you going to see?

I'm a cheapskate when it comes to theatre tickets because I'd rather see lots of things for my money and can often be seen in the centre of the front row of the gods (not a bad place to be). Went with a friend to see Priscilla not long ago and we had really cheap seats. It was a Saturday night but far from sold out and we got given an "upgrade to the best available seats for £10" offer when we went in. This has happened at other London shows but thought I would mention it happening at Priscilla as it is such a hen night sort of show.