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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm feeling alone and need help

18 replies

theseusboo · 07/01/2012 00:40

Hi all,

first time posting.... I'm married with 2 daughters (6 and 8)... the last year I have been feeling separate and alone from my husband. We have had a chat a couple of time about this and we have tried to make things better but I just don't feel close to him. This makes me feel very alone and I the feeling of the rest of my life with him just doesn't make me feel good. I love my daughters and don't want to deprive them of their dad. I don't have anyone to turn to.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 07/01/2012 00:46

Was there a time when you felt the closeness you'd like to expect from him?

I'm asking because I notice you haven't said you don't feel close to him anymore, which might imply you've never had the closeness you'd like.

Original poster
theseusboo · 07/01/2012 00:47

I did once... we have been married for almost 5 years but together for 10

it's only the last year that I have felt this way

T

OP posts:
Lindor · 07/01/2012 00:49

Hi Theseusboo,

Sorry to hear things are like that for you at the moment. I found it hard when my children were that age, maybe because my focus was on them and my dh still (then and Now) put himself first and we didn't have the same goals. Do you have any friends you can talk to? Are things so bad that you feel you might split up?

x

mrsmplus3 · 07/01/2012 00:58

listen, you sound very sad. just take a deep breath and relax.
you have 2 healthy, safe, happy girls and thats the most important thing this second.

do you pray? or meditate? both help me. also walking or jogging. i joined a gym a couple of years ago because i too was doubting everything in my life. its been my saviour so far although i am still on my "trying to figure it all out" journey.
i think thats life. just take one day at a time and eventually you'll know what to do. do little things that make you happy.
you could see your doctor too? get some free counselling.

its a terrible time of year for getting the blues also so just calm for now, get a good sleep. tomorrow is a new day. x

BluddyMoFo · 07/01/2012 01:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgentZigzag · 07/01/2012 01:07

Can you pinpoint anything a year ago that might have distanced you?

Or was it a gradual dawning?

Victorialucas · 07/01/2012 01:08

Do you socialise together or share interests outside the girls?

Does he feel the same?

Do you work/have an active social life?

Original poster
theseusboo · 07/01/2012 01:12

I just don't know... we are not in a good place.... I don't want to split up but he has been so grumpy and doesn't want me

OP posts:
mrsmplus3 · 07/01/2012 01:13

bloodymofo -your approach to improving a marriage is spot on.

me and my husband have problems too but we realise we need to "fix" ourselves in order to have a better relationship. were working on ourselves and our marriage is much better than it was. long may it continue. but im not being smug, we are definitely a work in progress.

mrsmplus3 · 07/01/2012 01:16

thats good you dont want to split up then! theres your starting point. you need to talk. he has to talk to you. ask him to talk to you. tell him youre a big girl, you can handle the truth, but you need to know whats going on with him. tell him how bad/down you feel. hed need to be really horrible to not want to help you.

Original poster
theseusboo · 07/01/2012 01:17

If I'm honest I think it's more him. I don't have the energy looking after the girls at the end of the day... I do run and try to keep fit but am never in the mood, if you know what I mean. He has a greater sex drive than me, although it didn't used to be that way.

OP posts:
mrsmplus3 · 07/01/2012 01:22

it sounds like you could be a bit down maybe? why dont you make an appointment with your doctor to talk it through. thats what theyre there for.
i need to go to bed now but will check in again tomorrow night. take care for now. remember as well its bloody january, everyones down in january. sleep well - say a wee prayer! or deep breathing works a treat!

Original poster
theseusboo · 07/01/2012 01:25

Thank you all... will go to bed now myself... will check in again tomorrow

night

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 07/01/2012 08:34

do you make time for eachother. in the house and going out?

skybluepearl · 07/01/2012 08:43

I felt DH and I had lost eachother. Busy lives and kids took over. I had put my own needs quite low on the priority list. Recently I've been looking after my own needs more (reading to relax, going to the gym, going out being kinder to myself, going out with friends) and have made a special effort to enrich my own life but also spend quality time with dh

skybluepearl · 07/01/2012 08:53

could you look on amazon for books to help with marriage.

could you sit down with him and have a constructive heart to heart. talk about what you can both do to make things better. is he grumpy with his friends - could you ask him to treat you as one of his friends

MabelLucyAttwell · 07/01/2012 15:08

Be thankful that you still have your DH. It is devastating to lose a DH because of medical reasons. Think of yours more, sharing your time and feelings between him and your DCs. Pay him compliments, help him to do things like make the bed. Tell him you love him. It will be worth it.

cityhobgoblin · 07/01/2012 16:18

Doesn't sound to me though if it's "you", OP ...your dh sounds as though he's pressurising you for sex , and you say he is "very grumpy and doesn't want me " ... how convenient for him to make his disatisafaction all your fault .Bet the Relationships board will help you start a longer process of unpicking these communication problems & apparently manipulative behaviour , which may take quit a while

Really agree too with hobbies advice , exercise etc etc and giving yourself lots of room to work out the roots of the problem the way mrsmplus3recommends

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