to think that my family (Dad's side) should grow up and stop being so shite?

[RagamuffinAndFidget]

There's a bit of a back story here so this could get a bit long, sorry!

I have a cousin who was born female (on the outside, at least) and who is now undergoing hormone therapy and awaiting a breast removal and other surgeries, in order to live the rest of his life as a man. He spent the majority of his younger years as a very angry, unhappy 'girl' and is now in a long-term relationship with a lovely man, living the life he wants to live and is the happiest I've ever seen him.

I've known for years about his feelings regarding his gender. I don't ever think of him by his female name anymore - to my mind I have a male cousin and that's that. My brother is equally as accepting, having known for almost as long as I have. The rest of our family is another matter. They have been told, countless times, in various ways by various people, what the situation is. My cousin has expressed his wish to be known only by his new name and new identity (his name has been legally changed by deed poll, so all his official documents identify him as a man) but they refuse to call him by anything other than his old female name. I can see how hurt and uncomfortable this makes him feel and I can't stand it. Why can't my family be supportive of this huge change in my cousin's life? It's ridiculous that they're still calling him by a girl's name when he's growing a beard and his voice is breaking!

I do wonder if they think it's a 'phase' - my cousin and I are the same age, twenty two, and I know that they all thought I was going through a 'phase' when DH and I decided to do Baby-Led Weaning with DS1 (2.5). I was twenty then, and they all thought I was being a bit silly, so maybe they're thinking this is the same sort of thing? My cousin and I both went through 'goth' phases as teenagers, and because of his confusion about his gender he did, when he was still living as a girl, think that he could be a lesbian. He now knows that this was his way of trying to deal with the masculinity he felt. He's actually a gay man, which is also confusing for everyone - they don't seem to understand why he needs to be a man if he's just going to have a boyfriend. Obviously gender and sexuality are totally different things but they don't recognise this.

I'm just fed up of seeing him look so beaten down at family gatherings because nobody (other than my brother, DH, DS1 and me) will call him by the right name. He's so happy now but the lack of support from our family is starting to wear him down.

AIBU to think that they should stop being so crap and just accept him for who he is?

YADNBU. They're being idiotic, and may eventually drive him away completely.

Have you spoken to him about it? Asked if there's anything you can do to help him feel more comfortable at sch gatherings?

YANBU however I can see why your family may be uncomfortable with it being beyond their comprehension. Your cousin has a hard road ahead with them, I fear

I don't think Yabu but I also think that you your wish is (very sadly) quite idealistic. People seem to really struggle understanding why someone would want to change their gender - even more than understanding why someone is gay - and a lot of people struggle with this too still (again sadly). I do think however, that it is very sad that he has so few people standing up for him within the family. Are there any other family members who, with a bit of education might start respecting his wishes? You could 'target' them (leaflets, information, talks etc.) so that he slowly has more family members that are supportive.

That said, he is lucky to have you and your DB, some people get entirely disowned. Be supportive and be vocal on his behalf without embarrassing him. And also remember that despite the family, he IS happier than he has ever been.

Of course YANBU, and you sound incredibly supportive during what must be a tough time for your cousin.

Unfortunately society in general hasn't quite caught up yet with what it means to be transgender, and I would imagine a lot of people's families would be fairly representative of society as a whole - therefore it sounds like some of your relatives are struggling with their reaction. Are you talking about older relatives?

It's so hard to change people's views, but I think you are doing a great thing by leading by example and if I were you that's what I'd carry on doing. Only your cousin can decide whether he believes he can help your relatives understand what he's going through, or whether he really wants to continue a relationship where he's not treated with respect and dignity.

Do they not realise what the suicide rate is for transexuals without the support of their families?

Would they read up on transexuals?

Your cousin may have to break off from them, for his mental health. There are lots of support groups which his clinic should have directed him to. If your are in the UK, i take it that this has been a two year process, at least and they need to realise this, there must have been very good evidence to allow this change whilst under 25. Unfortunatly you cannot make them, understand.

Transgender sorry not transexual.

kdiddy Some of our relatives are older - our mutual Granny and his other Grandmother are in their seventies. I don't think age has anything to do with it as my Grandma (Mum's Mum, so not related to my cousin, and due to my parents' divorce hadn't actually seen him for years and years) who was in her seventies too was able to understand and accept the situation, and that was just from my brief explanation when my cousin came up in conversation!

My Dad and his siblings are between forty nine and fifty three (he has two brothers, one of whom is my cousin's Dad, and one sister) so they're not elderly. Tbh, I don't think it's a lack of understanding.. more a lack of acceptance or just plain stubbornness. From the things they've said it's almost like they don't want to change the way they think of him, so they won't. It's easier for them to just keep calling him by his old female name, so they do.

The other thing that is starting to become an issue is the effect their refusal to use the right name is having on DS1. He has never known my cousin as anything other than a man and is starting to get confused by family members using a different name, and even possibly correcting him when he uses the right name. I have spoken to my cousin about this but neither of us can really see what can be done to stop this, unless they start using the right name too!

It's just making me so mad. Surely, as family, we should all support one another through big changes, and little things too? My cousin needs people to be there for him and care about him. Right now he's technically going through puberty again, hormones all over the place. He doesn't need this.

Good to know I'm not BU, thanks!

If they feel uncomfortable about it they don't need to call him anything at all
Everyone has known boy friends mum for example who you don't know whether to call mrs x, her first name etc so you just say 'ease pass the salt' with no name at the end

YANBU.

For me and most people I know, we're fairly open minded about gender issues, though there's a few who still struggle and usually they struggle because its very individual to the person who has the issues, it can be quite confusing and sometimes its hard to understand unless the individual explains. Not sure if that's clear. My friend's sister was born male and has completed her metamorphosis to her correct gender, she is now a gay woman. After a drunken chat I 'got' it. Beforehand I admit openly that I found it all very confusing. However, I never behaved badly.

So I'd give your family a break for being confused, perhaps even shocked. The fact remains though that your cousin is being poorly treated by their refusal to aknowledge, let alone accept him and his identity. Maybe they find it a double whammy. The gender correction is one thing, the homosexuality is another, maybe genuinely they just don't understand?

I'm not condoning their actions by the way, not in any way. Being older doesn't give you the right to be so rude (a certain amount of rudeness is a right of the elderly I think!) and some of the elder rellies will have been brought up in a time of 'this is right, that is wrong' and never had the chance to question it if it didn't affect them. Its a different world now. As for the younger ones, I would say sod them having to understand, they are being rude and should be openly told so. So the next time there's a gathering and they refer to your cousin by his female name, say "sorry who?".

YANBU, but I can understand why this would be very hard for a family. As accepting as I would try to be, I can imagine I would be devastated if my sons turned out to be daughters, and it would be very hard to have to learn to see them as girls when I have brought them up as boys.

It's not as simple as just accepting his choice and going with it.

No, it's not as simple to sort out their feelings on his change, but it is simple to call him by his chosen name. That's about basic respect.

I would loudly correct them in front of your DS along the lines of, 'Silly Uncle X, he can't even remember cousin's name!' And I'd act as though I didn't know who they were talking about if they refer to him by the old name when talking to you.