to be worried about my sister

[worriedaboutsis123]

In a nutshell, My sister has stopped taking the pill and her bf doesn't know.
Right heres the story.... My sister has never been maternal, im a couple of months pregnant and was told by her "I don't want to look after it untill it can wipe its own a" and has always insisted that her career is more important than having kids. A couple of weeks before nye we where chatting and she said that she no longer enjoyed her job and wasn't as bothered about the whole career thing as she used to be (fair enough) she has been with her bf for a year, and have lived together for about 8months. But has told me that she is still emailing a guy she was dating before meeting her bf and still likes him! Im 28 and my sister is 30 we have always been so close, and have always told each other eveything. She told me this on nye and i was in shock, didn't really say much at the time but she was very drunk (i wasn't) and didn't notice my shock. I know that her bf does want kids with my sister but not for a couple of years (my dh and him went for a few beers a while back and chatted about that kinda stuff) He wanted them to be a couple for few years, buy a house first ect. From what i know what she is doing is basicly entrapment, I know shes a big girl now and can do what she wants, but im so worried i can't stop thinking about it. what can i do?

Im confused (hence the nickname),

She does not want kids?
She does still like/contact her ex?
She is now trying to get pregnant by current bf without his knowledge?
Is all this to give up work?

Sorry for the rant!

she has always said she has never wanted kid untill now, told me she still likes the guy she dated before bf, and is trying to get pregnant with bf knowledge. im not to sure about the work thing

without bf knowledge

If it was my sister I would be having a talk with her when she is sober!

I really want to but don't know what to say, im just worried for her.

I think you need to stay out of it, shes 30 and will make up her own mind about her life.... It's nice that your worried about her but i'd just support her as much as you can. Maybe invite her over for a chat and try and hopefully she will open up abit more about things.

Thanks grograg im on the fence here cause part of mes worried and the other half doesn't want to sit and give her a telling off. But she needs to tell her bf.

the other half of me... sorry my typing is very rubbish this morning!

But you can't give her a telling off she is 30!! Just tell her your worried about the situation and encourage her to tell her bf. Theres not alot you can do tbh.

You're worried for her??

She knows what shes doing, what about the poor bloke she doesn't really love and is secretly trying to get pregnant by?

If that were my sister I would be telling her that I was going to tell him what she was up to if she didn't sort it out herself.

Sorry, I know she's your sister and you love her, but she sounds horrible.

That the thing this is not normal for her, im worried that this is a problem lying deep and this is a kneejerk reaction.

All the more reason to tell the person that is supposed to be closest to her.

I can see why you're worried but I'd keep well out of it.

You are pregnant and have your own family and baby to consider.

She's a big girl and old enough to sort out her own life.

It does sound like a rather dangerous game she's playing mind. Perhaps talk to her when she's sober and find out what's going on.

Why is she trying for a baby with her BF if she still fancies someone else?

I really don't want to say the wrong thing and push her away from me. If she does become pregnant her bf is going to hit the roof and she is going to need me.

I would put aside the non-maternal stuff, the other guy etc. and tell her is it completely unfair to stop taking contraception without her partner's knowledge. Maybe talk through all the possible consequences... what if he finds out? He might break up with her because of the betrayal. Is it fair on the baby? etc. etc...

If he finds out im sure he would break up with her, he has always stood up for himself and doesn't take any s**t!

My dh thinks it might be because im pregnant. sibling rivalry? his words not mine!

She may have been saying that having a career was more important than children, to try to convince herself.

Do you think that you getting pregnant has given her a confidence boost and that she may see you as a possible means of support?

Perhaps she realises that she could not cope with seeing you with a baby without being bitter.

Only you know her possible motives, if you are close. By all means talk to her about her bf not consenting before the pregnancy happens, but it is her decision.

If she does become pregnant her bf is going to hit the roof and she is going to need me.

If you tell her BF what a scheming cow she is being she won't get pregnant. Her behaviour is beyond wrong. A child, especially one who would be conceived this way is not the answer to her midlife crisis.

but it is her decision.

Birds, I hope you aren't condoning her getting preggers without BFs knowledge or support here?!

She's your sister. You are close. It you always discuss everything, you can certainly talk to her. If she was just a friend or a colleague, yes, I'd be saying stay well out of it but I know if it were my sister (who is as temperamental as hell and would happily roar at me to mind my own business) I would certainly broach it with her. You know your relationship better than anyone here. Some siblings have friendships where everything is on the table and uncomfortable topics are open for discussion, some don't. If it is as close as you say it is, there is absolutely nothing wrong or inflammatory or dangerous about saying, listen, I'm a bit worried about you, did I totally miss the point here or did you just tell me you are trying to get pg without your bf's knowledge? Want to tell me what's triggered all of this?

And take it from there.

It is utterly OK for her to have re evaluated everything and decided she does want kids. A friend who was always adamant that she NEVER wanted children has become a (very good) mum recently. So this bit I wouldn't worry about and even if your pregnancy has brought these maternal feelings on then it doesn't matter.

The issues are that a) she has not done this in conjunction with her partner. Speak to her about this, she doesn't want to start a child's life based on lies (one thing to fall pg by 'accident' another to take the decision yourself) but also b) that she isn't taking the relationship seriously if she's contacting an ex (we can all think about them, but we make decisions that they are over even if there is the odd pang there).

I would have a frank chat with her saying what is uncomfortable about this situation. Tell her you think it's great she's changing her mind, will support her but that she's rushing and going about things in the wrong way. Explain how much your DH and his support means and show her that she should be going into this WITH her partner as a team.

Its entrapment and so wrong, I am not condoning this at all but she is my family i only have her and my mum. How can i tell her how wrong this is but let her know im here to support her?
my brain hurts

Thanks working9while5 and senoritaviva its really good to get other people opinons, Its going round and round in my head and im not getting anywhere.