To be tired of the fight and make her go?

[fallenpetal]

DD had decided she doesnt want to see her dad this week.

She has been odd about it for ages, sleeping arrangements were changed, she was happier. Was fine over xmas and last weekend now she doesnt want to go because she went last weekend and will miss me having been at school all week since coming back from his.

I understand this and would love her to stay but I am just utterly sick of the guilt trip she gives me wanting to stay, the guilt trips he gives me if she doesnt go and the slagging off i get from his GF online if she doesnt go.So I am inclined to make her go as I have just had enough of all the crap I get because she doesnt wanna go

I am not quite sure if she is playing us off against each other as she has had VERY valid reasons for not wanting to go ( not wanting to hear me being slagged off is just one of them)

But Im out of fight, had a dreadful few weeks with various things and just want not to rock the boat for a bit

Am I BU?

I wouldn't make her go but I would tell the ex well in advance rather than last minute. Explain to your DD how rude and inconsiderate it is to change plans last minute. At least nobody can claim they are being messed around then.

I also think you need to have words with the ex, his gf has no right to be publically bad mouthing you like that. It is no wonder she doesnt want to go. How would he feel if a partner of yours bad mouthed him in front of his DD.

It sounds from what you have written here that he was emotionally abusive when you were together, and is most likely using the same techniques now to try and get what he wants.

I don't think the focus should be on the DD's behaviour here, if she's being subjected to the same kinds of guilt trips. It's really not fair for her to have to stand her ground when this kind of thing can be extremely confusing, upsetting and difficult to deal with for an adult. It may be that she has been upset by this for some time and has only just felt able to express her feelings on the matter, in which case it would be unfair to give her a lecture about changing plans at the last minute and/or make her explain things to her father herself. It is your job, OP, to protect her from this stuff and reassure her that it is not right and she should not be made to feel this way.

I would try mediation and perhaps, just for now, see if ex would be happier with reduced contact? Is he in any way reasonable (I doubt it)?

I would Tell the family member who is in contact with the girlfriend to either remove themselves from all contact with this woman or do not tell you anything else she says in the future, you do not deserve the grief and it is not her child so stop getting involved.

I wouldn't make her go.

I wouldn't make her tell him that she's not going this weekend.

However, I would tell her that we need to talk about it. I would say to her that it's not fair on her Dad to just say she isn't going and that you need to be able to tell him why she isn't going. Tell her that it would be better coming from her and that she could call him, she could email him, she could write him a letter, but she needs to tell her Dad why she doesn't want to go and what she would like the arrangements to be. Explain to her that you will support her but that if you tell her Dad it just sounds like you don't want her to go and that you are stopping her seeing her Dad and that isn't fair on him because she is his daughter too and it's not fair for you to stop her seeing him. Try to get her to understand that you support her making her own decisions about seeing or not seeing her Dad, but if she wants to make those decisions she has to be responsible for them. Tell her it's best to be honest with her Dad what her reasons are as this is the only way it will get sorted out.

Good Luck.

I wouldn't make her go, at 10 she is old enough to have her feelings taken into account. She needs your support and if she is so unhappy, for whose benefit are the visits?