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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect at least a text?

15 replies

sunshinesue · 05/01/2012 19:13

I've just had my second miscarriage in 6 months (first at 9 weeks, this one at 11) and apart from my sister and my mum, not one of my friends have been in touch to offer support. We'd only told a 6/7 close friends and they all know that we've lost the baby. In the past I've made a real effort to be there for them when things have been rough for them (flowers when one of them lost their job, long letters of support when others have lost family members, taking meals round when one had been in hospital etc). I know my loss cannot be compared to losing a parent but surely it's enough to warrant a TEXT?!

I honestly don't know what to think, are they uncomfortable and scared of saying the wrong thing or are they just damn thoughtless? Either way it's making me not want to see them anytime soon. AIBU, I know other people's grief can be difficult to deal with.

OP posts:

Gumby · 05/01/2012 19:15

yanbu
sorry for your loss

as hard as it is perhaps accept that your friends aren't as good as you thought they were and back away a bit, if they can't reciprocate then don't waste your energy when things get tough for them

JustHecate · 05/01/2012 19:17

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Do you mean that your friends haven't been there for you either time? That's really sad.

When (or if) you ever feel strong enough to have a difficult conversation with them about this, I think you should tell them how you feel. They need to know how hurt and let down you feel

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 05/01/2012 19:18

They might think it best to give you a bit of space while you are going through this. They may be at a loss as to what to say.

So sorry for your loss. I hope by they time you read this, you have heard from one of them.

redexpat · 05/01/2012 19:18

YANBU but they probably don't know what to say or do. You sound like a wonderful friend though. I hope they appreciate you.

Hairynigel · 05/01/2012 19:34

Sorry about your MC :( they are being a bit rude but maybe they don't know what to say. But then again even just a short text of "thinking of you" wouldn't hurt would it?

pollyblue · 05/01/2012 19:37

No YANBU. So sorry about the MC.
Perhaps they'll be in touch in the next couple of days. I agree with hairy, a brief message wouldn't hurt. I hope you hear from them soon, if not, well you know not too waste too much time on them in the future.

fallenpetal · 05/01/2012 19:40

YANBU but I suspect they dont know how to deal with it, no excuse though. At the very least Id just give you a hug xxx So sorry for your losses, I hope you can get through it ((hugs)))

Shriekable · 05/01/2012 19:43

So sorry for your loss. You anbu, I can't believe they havent contacted you. Do they all know each other? Is there a chance that one or two of them has suggested that they all leave you alone to grieve in peace? One of my colleagues had MC few years ago - our supervisor told us all to leave her alone & not mention it. Later found out she thought we were being insensitive, as she didnt know what we'd been told. Why not text a short note to your closer friends to let them know you're open to communication?

lazarusinNazareth · 05/01/2012 19:45

I had 2 mcs in 3 months. First time, lots of support and kindness. Second time, 2 friends put themselves out for me. Nobody else gave a toss - even my parents. I put it down to 2 things - firstly, one mc is so common people can take it on board but two and they start to wonder what is going on..., secondly, they thought I'd got over one so doing it again would not be an issue.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is so hard and I think a lot of people just don't realise how difficult it can be. Do you think you could text one or two and ask them for some support? I know you shouldn't have to...

EllenandBump · 05/01/2012 19:57

YANBU, but in your friends defence, they probably dont want to say or do anything to upset you they also maybe arranging to do something for you, like buying something you can use to remember your babies by. I am SO very sorry for your losses. I hope at least here you can find some support, x

MilitaryWag · 05/01/2012 20:03

In my experience women who have had miscarriages complain bitterly about 'the stupid things people say' so I'm guessing they perhaps dont know how to approach this. A case of people being damned if they do, damned if they dont. There was a thread/comments on MN about this very thing about people saying the wrong thing and that they dont understand etc etc... you get my drift. One of my closest friends had nine miscarriages (she is now 7 months pregnant) and I admit I found it incredibly difficult to know how I could support her and often worried myself sick about saying or doing the wrong thing. This may well be the case here.

AngryMotherF · 05/01/2012 20:03

I think it's probably partly that they don't know what to say but partly because some people find it very hard to make an accurate judgement of how devastating a miscarriage can be.

I have to admit that I had no idea of the impact it could have until my closest friend suffered one, and I read about it on here. That was even after I had two children of my own.

I hope you can manage not to hold it against them and can be kind to yourself.

Original poster

sunshinesue · 05/01/2012 20:32

thank you all for your balanced views, I'm only seeing things from my own point of view atm and I KNOW I'm super sensitive. Hell, I'm even cross with the cat for ignoring me (even though he does that all the time!). I guess it is very hard to understand the impact a mc has unless you've been through it and you also don't want to put to your foot in it. I'm also usually very independent so people probably don't realise I'm feeling needy as it's just not like me.

Thanks again, you've made me feel a lot better. On the off chance anyone reading this has a friend going through a mc, I'm sure a text saying "I'm so sorry for your loss, please let me know if you need anything" would be much appreciated :)

OP posts:

Icelollycraving · 05/01/2012 20:40

Very sorry to hear about your mcs. :(
Sometimes are not sure what to say,sometimes they are just crap. Hope that you have some support,if not just come on here

TidyDancer · 05/01/2012 20:41

I think people just don't know what to say sometimes and instead of risking saying the wrong thing, they just don't say anything.

I've just lost my dad and you wouldn't believe the amount of people who went from being ever so close to me, to not coming near me. I've tried not to take it personally, but it does make you think.

I think you sound like an amazing friend, and I'd feel really lucky to have you in my life, and I hope your friends feel the same.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through.

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