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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that sister should sort her childcare out?

41 replies

sarah7492 · 05/01/2012 18:37

My Dsis has one dd aged 6. Dsis works fulltime and her dh, my neices father works fulltime, from home, (in IT). Neice attends school a 5-10 minute car ride away. BIL drops her off each morning and then picks her up on a Monday ONLY. The other days of the week my mother who is mid sixties and works from 9-2 each day, picks up neice and takes her to neices home..(where BIL is working

Then at 4.30 or so BIL takes my mother home in his car, picking up sister from work at 5pm.

So basically my mother works 9-2pm, then catches a bus from work to neices school, picks up neice, walks in ALL weathers the 30 minutes back to neices house. Then looks after neice till 4.30 ish when they all leave in BIL's car to pick up sister.!

I think they are taking the piss!...Bil is sitting there with a bloody car outside whilst my mother is walking to and from a bus (long walk) then 30 minutes home in rain/sleet/snow.

Why can't he nip out and pick up his dd himself..she isn't a baby. he could still work till 4.30 with neice there.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 05/01/2012 19:02

As long as your mum is happy to do it, I don't see a problem. I work from home too and my DS has been at my DM's for the past two days because I had an urgent job to come in which had to be finished today. In some jobs you can't work while your child is bopping about doing their thing - it's not fair to your employer (who is trusting that the hour he pays me for is an hour I fully work) or your child (who I am shushing every time the phone rings and plonking in front of the telly instead of playing with). Not saying I don't do it sometimes, but not as an everyday thing.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/01/2012 19:05

None of your business. It's up to your mother and, if your BIL is supposed to be working from home then he shouldn't be doing the school run.

callmemrs · 05/01/2012 19:06

It never fails to amaze me that some adults see their parents as unpaid childminders. I totally understand your view: quite apart from any health issues, it's a huge restriction on your mums life to be doing this 4 times a week, at a point in her life when she is working part time herself so could reasonably expect to be doing all sorts of things she probably hasn't had the chance for before. But I doubt you'll get anywhere if you confron your sister because selfish people find it hard to understand that other people have lives too .

Original poster

sarah7492 · 05/01/2012 19:10

Exactly callmemrs!...So BIL has to work..thats fine. But he should not play on his xbox with a car outside whilst my mum and his dd walk in the freezing rain and wind home!
I would never confront sister though..that would end badly, she would eat me alive!

OP posts:

Angelswings · 05/01/2012 19:11

He needs a break at some point in the day, but can see how stupid he was to pick coming home from school time to take a break on the X box.

Gapants · 05/01/2012 19:15

Maybe ask your mum how she feels, she might be fine about it, or she might want the validation from you that they are talking the piss. Then she might say something on her own. Doubt you could get involved any more than that.

FWIW- I think they are taking advantage.

Original poster

sarah7492 · 05/01/2012 19:16

Not just stupid. selfish, thoughtless!.he could easily have called my mum, said "hey Rose, i see the weathers awful today, don't get the bus walk throygh the rain to the school then get soaked walking for half hour with my little dd through the gales, I will take a tiny break and get in my car to bring dd home. You go home after work, Rose, in the warm, put your feet up for once, instead of the 1.5 hours round journey in this weather to get to my house!"

but no..instead the bugger just thought sod it.I'll get my x box out..let them get wet!

OP posts:

totallyscunnered · 05/01/2012 19:20

I doubt he went through a thought process that involved him thinking "let them get wet"

I have an ex who whilst he doesn't work in IT has a very computer-y/maths-y brain and he also works from home.

He just wouldn't think. He would be focussed on whatever he was doing, stop when he needed to and he wouldn't even notice the weather or realise that it was school pick up time. Unless it was the one day a week when he does it and he has it burned into his brain.

But other days, he wouldn't notice.

because if there is ever a change in routine it is a total bollocks to get him to remember and the school end up phoning me and it's all a big hassle and it fucks me off to fuck street and back again

I get that you feel your Mum is being taken advantage of, but honestly, it's none of your business it's up to them to sort out.

Feminine · 05/01/2012 19:21

YANBU they are taking advantage.

You are in a tricky position....

Your latest post really spells out the situation. :)

Xmasbaby11 · 05/01/2012 19:28

It does sound like she's doing too much so I don't blame you for being frustrated. All you can do is encourage your mum to assert herself if she is unhappy, and drop some hints to DS and BIL. Don't be an intermediary though or interfere.

COCKadoodledooo · 05/01/2012 19:34

From the OP, I'd say keep your neb out, nothing to do with you, and to be frank sounds like a case of sour grapes (after all, if your mum's doing that for them, she can't be doing it for you can she?!).

BUT

I've now read your later updates and think your bil is a selfish arse. To not even offer when the weather's been like it is is not on. Your mum might enjoy doing it (I know my sis's mil does because it makes her feel useful), but if it has been going on a while then like all childcare arrangements there should be a 'review' to make sure all parties are happy.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/01/2012 19:36

So what's the real grip here then? Only you're taking this very personally for something that really is between your sister and your mother.

Original poster

sarah7492 · 05/01/2012 19:40

That is perceptive of you Gwen

There are LOTS of issues between me and sister. Too much to go into here. Thats why Iam asking if IABU, because Iam probabley biased against sister TBH..Iam willing to accept that Iam being unreasonable because Iam too close to see clearly IFYKWIM?

OP posts:

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/01/2012 20:05

It's not so much that I think you're BU, just that I don't see what you can do about it if it's an agreement on both sides. But whatever the other issues are are obviously compounding the annoyance.

hormonalmum · 05/01/2012 20:23

Why does yr dm not have the child on a monday? Was that her decision to give herself a break?
If i were you, i would tell your sister than on x date and x date your dm cannot look after your niece as you have arranged some treat for her. See what she says to that. Maybe she will say 'mum offered to...' Which gives you your sisters point of view on that situation.

EllenandBump · 05/01/2012 20:39

Maybe he should save her the walk and pick his MIL and daughter up from school and take them home, to his, so mil looks after grandchild if happy to do so then its a bit fairer. But maybe on nice days she actually enjoys the walk with her grandaughter? My sister thought i was being unfair on mum to ask her to look after my son while i was at the doctors, to clarify, this was once, i was in there about 15minutes and then was all sorted. Mum waited in the downstairs waiting room.

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