to be hurt by this friend's behaviour? (long)

[Tigerstripes]

Now I'm quite prepared to be told I am being unreasonable as I often take things a bit to heart that others don't.

Some background: my friend and I have known each other for around 6 to 7 years and been close friends for around 5. We live near each other, used to be constantly round each others houses, out together every Saturday night etc.

Around 2.5 years ago she got a boyfriend and got engaged a few months ago. I got married this year after 9 years with my DH and she was my bridesmaid.

Now the problem is her behaviour. Her contact with me and our other mutual friend has gradually tailed off. For a long time now she only meets up with us when we ask her and never asks us to go out.

When she got engaged I asked her when she was free to meet up as i wanted to buy her champagne to celebrate and she suggested 2 weeks later. This was just the two of us (we don't really socialise as couples, although have done once or twice). That week I texted her to ask where she wanted to go and she said she had made plans with her DF's friends for drinks but that my DH and I could come too. Hurt, as it seemed she had had a better offer and was only trying to shoehorn us in because she felt she had to, we didn't go.

Anyway, I have not seen her since her formal engagement party in September. Our other friend and I have sent her several invites to things, to which she did not reply. When I texted her to ask if we had upset her n some way, she said she was just busy looking at wedding venues. I thought it unlikely that she was doing this on every Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday but said nothing.

Then I see on fb pictures of her on weekends away and dinners with her DF's friends and family.

It seems to me that she has had time to meet up on weekends if she had really wanted to but chose her DF's friends over her own. I am seeing her on Friday (she texted out the blue) and i want to say something but don't know if IABU. Am I?

YANBU seems like she wants to break with the friendship tbh. I would not make the effort, you have done enough running already.

What's her DP like? Could he be controlling her?

YANBU. I'd give up I am afraid. It's very sad.

It happens all the time and it is sad but not much you can do. I spent a lot of time running after my oldest school friend because the relationship was very important to me, but when I didn't hear from her for months after her wedding and then got a generic wedding thank you which literally was just filling in my/dh's name, I should have known... the crunch came when I texted her to say that I was pregnant and she sent back a text saying, essentially, "have a nice 9 months". I knew it was over. I wish it weren't so, but what can you do? People change and some friendships don't last the course of time.

On the other hand, I have really struggled with another school friend as she has no partner and seems uncomfortable around mine, certainly no interest in talking about kids etc and I live in a different country so when I go home don't really have time to meet one to one without ds or dh. She probably feels the same way about our friendship as I do about our other school friend.

well maybe something's up if she's texted out of the blue. meet her and see what's been happening. if there's scope for bringing this up, then do it.

yanbu to be hurt

a similar thing happened to me with a friend that I liked very, very much and who I tohught liked me too.
Clearly it was a bit of a one-sided friendship? I don't know.

It's sad though, when it happens, but I don't think there is much you can do

So is her social life now exclusively her partner and his friends and family?

nobody else?

Is that her choice or his?

shakirasma and hecate it's interesting you say that as early on in the relationship when the four of us (both couples) had gone out, her DF made it clear he didn't like her talking to me and that she should be paying attention to him. That was only once though and, although I don't particularly like him, (was told the first time we met that my choice of not taking my DH's name was "ridiculous"), haven't seen evidence of controlling behaviour since. But then perhaps I wouldn't.

Can anyone tell me a way I can bring up this matter non-confrontationally in case:
(a) he is controlling her?
(b) he's not and this is just the way things go?

Hark. Is that the sound of a great big alarm bell I hear?

Yeah, my money's on him cutting her off from friends and family. Poor sod.

I had a friend once and we were very close at college. Then she got a BF and I hardly ever saw her, texts wouldnt get replied to, any meet-ups (arranged by E-mail at work) were often cancelled. She was with him for about 18 months (Im pretty certain they got engaged as she had a suspiscious looking ring, but she knew my feelings towards him so didnt tell me). They split up and then our friendship got back on track. She actually told me she didnt get any texts from me .

I always knew he was no good for her (not initially obviously), but she needed to see it too.

I would suggest you meet her on Friday and not to really bring it up unless she does. See how the conversation goes and if you can bring it up then do so, but if she's all isnt he wonderful, etc then Im not so sure. If he is being controlling then she needs to see it for herself.

On another note, when I first met DH he was vary warey of me. His previous relationship had ended badly with his ex always cheating on him. Plus as I worked with him he knew my bad reputation so he was always worried I was going to do the same. I didnt go out on a night much, but I still arranged to meet up with friends during the day and made sure I kept an effort with my friends because I didnt want them to think I was ditching them even though DH was uncomfortable with me going out drinking.

I would say that either she is cooling off or he is being controlling. See what Friday brings first, she may have the answer for you then. Good luck and let us know.

Tell her that you'll look forward to seeing her once she has time. Then leave it up to her to get in touch.

Thanks all. Lots of good advice here and is nice to have people say IANBU to be upset. Is somewhat depressing to hear so many people saying that's life. Why do people just drop their old friends when they get a boyfriend/get married? Is alien to me.

think I would call her and say ok have a good life but remember if it all goes tits up or you want any support i am still a friend, say you worry he is controlling her accept its no longer a close friendship nevertheless be there if she needs you... and sounds like she will... one day!

See her on friday and present the scenarios you have had described here and ask her which one it is?

Tell her you miss her and that you want to spend time with her. See what she says.