to think age doesn't come into it.

[seasonsinthesun]

I have now lost both parents. DF when he was 70 and me in early 20's and dm recently at 80. I was quite amazed at the number of people saying things like she was a good age.
DH did similar yesterday when he was telling me how a colleague lost his dm and she was only 64 or whatever.
Surely when you lose a parent age soesn't come into it. It hurts whatever age they were. In fact losing dm at 80 was far worse.

Of course age doesn't come into it. People just say things that they think will be reassuring/comforting even if in reality they are not. I actually think our culture avoids the subject of death so much that lots of people don't really learn how to deal with people who have been bereaved or what to say.

I am sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss. People don't know what to say, do they? So they fall back on traditional homilies, trying to make you feel better, when of course nothing they say can do that. So they end up making you feel worse.

Obviously it was worse for you, but losing his mother at 64 was worse for him.

I think it is something people say as they think it makes you feel better.

It annoys me too. My dad died in September and my mam in December. Yes my dad had just turned 80 and my mam 77 but were very young at heart and had very active lives. Yes there are worse situations (my bil passed aged 42 leaving two very young children) but it doesnt lessen the pain and grief.

Sorry for your loss and the hurt you are going through.

seasonsinthesun - I'm really sorry for both of your losses :( However, old your parents are when they die, it's too soon for you to lose them.

The thing though, with losing an 'older' parent is the 'small' comfort you can take from knowing that they did live a long (& hopefully happy) life. When you lose a 'younger' parent, you not only grieve for your own loss, but the loss of the other 20 or more years they should have had to enjoy their life, their retirement, their grandchildren etc. I think this is why people feel if 'they have had a good innings' it isn't quite so bad.

It's like if an adult loses a parent it can be completely devastating, so much more so than might expect it to be as an adult, yet, I still think it's so much worse for a child simply because they haven't had the benefit of being brought up to adulthood by that parent. That's not to minimise the pain of the adult losing a parent, simply to acknowledge how much more a child a losing.

Does that make any sense?

It can be devastating though, no matter how old they, or you, are - there's no getting away from that x

YANBU - age doesnt come into it at all. I lost my DM when she was 72 and I think that is far too young...my colleague lost his mum when she was 58....our grief was the same! My DH has lost both his parents too (Dad when he was 71 and mum at 75).....its hard to bear however old they were. People sometimes dont know what to say and then come out with all manner of crap sadly.

Sorry for your loss.

My parents were both in their 70's and I lost them both within 6 months of each other. I was 43 and totally devastated. I still am, but I acknowledge that it would be much worse for a child to lose a parent. So sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss it doesnt matter what age it is must be very hard to deal with , I think people say these things because if somebody lives till they are 80 they have had a long and full life , i dont think folk mean it hurtful and hope it offers some comfort ,

I think for me mum hurt more because she wasn't ready to die. She had alot of life left in her despite her illnesses. Dad, however, was tired of living. Dh did upset me though. He was remarkably able to show empathy for a work colleague. Yet, he didn't consider how telling me this in front of ds too who was very upset by losing nanny was insensitive.
Hence the need to vent.
Thank you and sorry for your loses too.

I am sorry for your loss. At the same time I think that what people imply by "it was a good age" is "Be glad that he/she had a wonderful life". That is not heartless and is also (fwiw) what I told myself when my father died.

What ChippinIn said. It hurts terribly to lose your Mum or your Dad, whatever age they may be, but what people are expressing is that you will be able to realise in the coming years that they had a long, happy and fulfilled life, and now their time has come, rather than a younger person who has perhaps had a quarter of their "expected" life snatched away (and that person being taken from those who are left, when they had so much still to do together).
I am so sorry for your loss - it's hard to lose anyone close to you, but there is something especially significant about losing your parents.

Seasons.....I know what you mean!!! When my mum was ill she used to say "well, I am 72" as if she had had a long life but we both knew she was just trying to make me feel better........mind you, she felt so ill towards the end she said death would be her friend! She was a very active person and certainly had a lot of life yet to live..........i feel cheated out of about 20 years!!!

It's just shit no matter what age they are.....at least me and DH understand eachother sadly so I dont get any silly comments from him.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yes, I think it hurts no matter what age you lose someone.

However, when the time comes (and I hope not for a long time!) I will be able to grieve in a different way for my DM who I hope will live to an old age (old age imo = 80+) than I did for my DF who died at 49. I did not only grieve for the loss of him, but also loss of the opportunities he was not to have (eg. retirement, grandchildren, more disposable income). For example, I will be able to have happy memories of my DM spending time with my DD, but my DF never even had the chance to meet my DP, let alone our daughter.

I think that's what your DH may be getting at.

No it doesn't make it easier but I kind of know what people mean - as they don't know what to say (both mine dies in their 70s but they weren't old or ready to go in my book!). Both in my 30s (now that truly sucks). I was whinging about this to a new mum at school and it turned out she lost her had when she was about 6 and here mum when she was early 20s. That shut me up.

I think of it as - to lose someone getting on in years (and I mean 75+) is deeply, deeply sad, but to lose a child/someone in their 'prime' (ie up to retirement) is truly tragic.

At least no one has tried to tell you that it's 'life's pattern' and 'we all have to go', 'it was their time...' etc.

I'm so sorry for your loss Seasons - I lost my Dad at the end of November - the day after his 91st birthday - and I have had some similar responses.
It is so hard because obviously other people move on, and you have a great big aching hole in your heart.

You simply can't make comparisons in grief, - it's not a competition, no one can tell you that your grief is in some way a lesser one because your mother was 80.
I lost a brother when he was 35 and he was 25, - I think I coped with that loss better than my more recent one - because I had a young toddler, I was busy, I somehow carried on.

Of course losing a young person is a terrible terrible thing, and I don't think my parents ever got over the loss of their son, but grief hits us in many ways and lots of circumstances come into play, age is irrelevant IMO.

So sorry again for what you are going through xx