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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some help during the night?

20 replies

mandco · 04/01/2012 09:45

I have a 4 month DD and returned to ft work a month ago. My problem is my OH wont help with any of her night time care. I go to bed early around 10pm so I can get enough sleep before she wakes for a feed around 2am, I have to be up for work at 6:30am. When she was smaller he did the late feed 11pm ish but now she doesn't need that one he just does his own thing staying up watching telly and doing his own thing. When he comes to bed that's it - he doesn't (or pretends not to) hear her monitor. I'm coming to the end of my rope tbh. Last night she wouldn't settle at all unless she was in with me so I didn't get any sleep at all - about 5am I had to wake him up to ask if he could watch her so I could get an hours sleep. This morning I told him that something has to change; that he gives me some more help or I would have to give up work as I can't function in the office on no sleep. He suggested he move out - not really the answer I was looking for. How do I get him to see he's not "helping me" by getting involved at night - it's his job too?

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 04/01/2012 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flowery · 04/01/2012 09:49

YANBU to want help and also to have identified that it's not 'help' either.

If you are both working f/t then all of her care, nighttime and otherwise, should be split evenly. Unless you are breastfeeding that also means you should take turns doing night feeds so you should both get a full nights sleep every other day. Simple as that. What's his reason for not doing it?

NinkyNonker · 04/01/2012 09:50

Errr, yanbu at all. It isn't help, it is him doing HIS share. How was his moving out meant to help?!

WheresTheCat · 04/01/2012 09:52

Is he actually refusing to get up, or is he just ignoring the monitor as he knows that if he doesn't move you will.
If you are both working full time, then as stranded says he takes 50% responsibility for night feeds. DH and I used to do one night on and one night off.

How many night feeds does your little one need atm?

flowery · 04/01/2012 09:53

You could say 'oh I misunderstood, when you said you'd move out, presumably you meant you'd have DD staying with you every other night...?'

grrr on your behalf

naturalbaby · 04/01/2012 09:57

I'm assuming your bottle feeding otherwise wouldn't expect him to do that feed, so he should be helping out cause he can.

what about if you keep the dreamfeed and see if she drops the 2am feed? my 3 only dropped the dreamfeed when they were on 3 decent solid meals a day. she could also be going through the 4month sleep regression/growth spurt which will make things more complicated/difficult.

is he a really deep sleeper? our babies all slept in our room for at least 7months and dh rarely woke up or heard them, i did wake up and feed them before they were wide awake and really shouting/crying though.

Original poster
mandco · 04/01/2012 10:00

Thanks all, i kind of know that that I'm NBU but you get to a point where you just needed to hear it from someone else to check you're not going mad. We both work ft. His excuse is "he's not very good during the night and prefers to do her morning feeds" but this only happens on a weekend, and not every weekend, as my mum arrives to look after her during the week and arrives before her morning feed. She usually only wakes for one feed at 2am - and I can cope with that - it's when she's up all night I cant do it and then spend a whole day at my desk being productive!

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 04/01/2012 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheresTheCat · 04/01/2012 10:20

Have you both sat down and talked about this? What are his reasons for not getting up in the night?
When you have kids you are both responsible - and he doesn't get to do what he 'prefers' as regards to feeds unless you both discuss and agree it. 'Not being very good during the night' is not a reason not to get up.
How is he with taking responsibility during the day with your little one?

UsedToBikeAndRunAndSki · 04/01/2012 10:22

I know how you feel ! Dd is 11 weeks and DS is 3.3, both bottle fed from a few weeks. DH has never woken up when they've cried in the night. Never, ever. He doesn't even stir, even with monitor right next to his ear. I am still on mat leave so I am not too grumpy about this, yet...

StrandedBear · 04/01/2012 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:09

I'm sorry... he said he would move out???

So his answer to your asking for more help is to threaten to leave? Nice Hmm

If that's his attitude then I honestly have no idea how you can convince him to do his share. He sounds awful.

Original poster
mandco · 04/01/2012 11:20

That's the thing he's a brilliant Dad - but only during daylight hours - which isn't really good enough. I think he got used to me doing it all when I was on ML but now i'm back at work things have to change and I dont know why it has to be such a battle. I guess I want him to want to do it and not have to point out I'm falling over tired - and it makes me sound like a nag asking him so I think the moving out thing is a knee jerk reaction to a difficult situation - taking avoidance to a whole new level.
Thankfully I have a day off tomorrow and hopefully things will look better after a good nights sleep - she's bound to sleep tonight as i'm not working tomorrow!!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 11:32

I think you're being too easy on him

Asking him to do his share is not nagging

And a knee-jerk reaction of 'I'll move out' is pretty crazy

tiddleypompom · 04/01/2012 11:33

Poor you. I agree with naturalbaby actually - re-introduce the dreamfeed (and make sure he does this whilst you get an early night) until you wean your baby. You may find she sleeps through to your wake up time before long (my DS is a little younger but with dream feed goes through to between 5-6am).

Mind you, I agree with the other posters that your OH is being utterly unreasonable and inconsiderate - and is ignoring the issue whilst you allow him to by not putting your foot down... Bottle of wine and serious chat ahoy I'd say.

NB - the wine is for you primarily but I always find DH more amenable to a telling off after a glass or two :o

cambridgeferret · 04/01/2012 12:27

What a wanker. It's a two person thing and should be treated as such.
If he moves out you probably wouldn't be any worse off though.
On another tack, is your MIL around?

If so may be worth having a visit to her and dropping what he's said into casual conversation.
I know if I'd mentioned something like that to DH's mum he would have been roasted alive.

Emmasmum40 · 04/01/2012 13:00

Is your OH actually my husband in disguise? Seems we have similar issues - thinking of you xx

Original poster
mandco · 04/01/2012 13:13

Oh that would be good if it was just one bloke being rubbish Emmasmum40 but it gives me small comfort that there's more than one out there! Speaking to the MIL tonight - lets see if his own mummy can get him to grow up and pull his weight.

OP posts:
HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 04/01/2012 13:22

He suggested moving out because he didn't like the suggestion that he should do his share of parenting his child? Good lord, I've heard it all now. What an arsewipe.

I think I would be taking him up on his offer to move out, he sounds incredibly selfish and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that

coraltoes · 04/01/2012 13:27

I'd tell him to move out in that case.

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