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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to live in the UK?

15 replies

bagelmonkey · 04/01/2012 09:16

I'm originally from the UK.
When I first met DH we lived in different countries. I moved to live with him to give the relationship a go. We stayed together & ended up getting married. We were living in his local area, near his parents & siblings & where he went to university.
Due to jobs we moved around a bit, but have a house we rent out back where he's from. Last year we were in the UK & had DD. We are now back in DH's home country for the year (different city)
I don't want to go back to where we used to live. I miss the UK so much. DH wants us to live near his family & old university friends. It's an OK area, but even after living there for 5 years it didn't really feel like 'home'. Im fond of PIL but since having DD I feel they don't respect me as a parent & they have always treated DH as a bit of a child. I find them smothering & tbh I don't think I could cope with living so close to them. They are lovely, but not easy personalities. DH's siblings have also moved away now. The friends I made there have also moved away, while DH's friend are moving back. It's a great set up for him- better than before. I feel it's very one-sided.
DH says I was happy when I lived there before so doesn't see why I won't be again. I was also happy before we met, but it doesn't mean I want to go back to being single.
I've neglected my career to be with DH. We wouldn't have stayed together if we'd both been chasing our careers.
If we lived in the UK we both have friends scattered around the south of England who we could easily visit. He also has a brother in the UK.
I feel he wants me to give up my friends & family in the UK so he can have it all.
AIBU to say I don't want to go back to DH's town when I gave him the impression I might in the past?

OP posts:

Gigondas · 04/01/2012 09:18

When did you give him impression you would go back? Not clear from your post.

Also if you came back here what would be career implications for him? Could you work? You talk about the emotional side of things but not whether there are other more practical reasons to live in dh country

Original poster

bagelmonkey · 04/01/2012 09:45

I gave him the impression I'd go back buy buying a house, although that was also to do with spending money on rent vs mortgage.
We could both work in the UK.
DH would be paid much better in his own country, but the prospects for me wouldn't be as good.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2012 10:05

YANBU - you're definitely being taken for granted and I think you have been from the outset, quite honestly. This is now a marriage deal-breaker. You either reach a compromise of living in both countries for periods of time or you'll have to go your separate ways. As it stands, you're resentful about everything you've given up. If you move back to the UK, he'll be resentful. I can't see this one ending well.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 04/01/2012 10:23

You might take into account the age of his (and your?) parents, and their states of health and so on - if they are getting on in years it would perhaps make a difference to your decision (for both of you) as to where to live. And how about schooling for your DD - the state schools here are pretty much fucked unless you can afford private or to buy yur way into a really good one, that's another thing to consider.

ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2012 10:27

the younger you are when you move to where you do want to live, the better IMO. What can you do other than be very very clear about what you want and what you do not want. If you tell him that under no circumstances will you be moving back to his hometown, he will have to digest that and see what other options you both have. As I see it, either you move to the south of England , as you want or to some third place you can both agree on. If you are really sure you don't want to live there, don't go. It will be harder to leave once you are there.

BandOMothers · 04/01/2012 10:29

It is very hard in a mixed nationality marriage...my DH and I are from different countries and it was very hard for him to leave his country where all his friends are....but my work is in the UK while his can be anywhere...we had sticky few years where he insited we live in his country but I just wouldn't....I can't emigrate so he can be near hs mates! It's not a good enough reason. You have also to consider schools....what the country is like politically....how will it be there when you are retired.....there are many questions and you sound (like I was) determined....you will have to make up your mind one way or another.

Will he refuse to come if you go? Make it hard for you to take dd?

BandOMothers · 04/01/2012 10:31

Once your DC get older, you'll end up stuck...if you don't leave the place now. The kids make friends...get used to school....and you get trapped forever.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 10:41

DH and I are from different countries, met and married in a third. We are currently living in his country and it's great, but we won't be staying here forever because there's not really any work for me here, and DH is fine with that.

We both see the question of where to live as an evolving one, that needs to be reexamined from time to time -- we would never dream of insisting the other person live somewhere forever, and we each have 'veto power' over locations as well.

I think your DH is being quite simplistic and selfish by saying you should be happy to live in his hometown now because you liked it before. People change! Life changes!

Don't go back to his hometown if you really don't want to -- that's totally fair. At the same time, if he's really determined he doesn't want to live in the UK, you have to accept that too. At that point you would need to look at other possibilities acceptable to both of you.

Do you think your DH would be more amenable to going to the UK if he knew that under no circumstances are you willing to move back to his hometown?

Laquitar · 04/01/2012 10:47

once your dc get older, you 'll end up stuck'.
YY and not just the dcs, the il's too. Once they get older it will be harder for your dh to leave.

On the other hand you need to weight down everything i.e. childcare cost, another pregnancy?, dcs education etc.

ZZZenAgain · 04/01/2012 10:48

if you say that you will not be moving back to his hometown, it has to come across as calm and clear but not as a rant about what is wrong with his family/friends/hometown. Just something like: I am glad we spent the time there that we did for a lot of reasons but I would not be prepared to live there again. What I would like best is to live in the south of England.

If that does not suit him either (tit for tat or because he genuinely does not see it as an option for him professionally), then you have to say in a calm reasoned voice (however you might feel): "well we need to look seriously at what possibilities there are for our family and make a decision about where to live".

It is always going to be difficult because where he is at home, you are not. He is happy, socially at ease and well paid, you are not. Where you are at home and enjoying work, he is not at home and feeling underpaid. In a third place, neither of you is at home with all the stress that brings with it.

balanceball · 04/01/2012 10:54

I agree with BandofMothers who says that you could end up trapped there. This happened to my sister who married a man from Australia and had his child there. They split up but now she cannot leave the country as she needs his permission, she has no family there and few friends. Like you, she stopped focusing on her career when she had a child and so she is living out there in poverty, isolated and raising her child alone.

Obviously you might not be thinking about what might happen if you and your DH will split up in the future, but there's always the possibility and it would be awful to be stuck out there on your own. I'd think very carefully about the long term implications of what you end up doing and put your foot down if the possible scenarios are unacceptable to you.

Kayano · 04/01/2012 11:13

I can't help but feel these conversations
Are
Happening a little late in the day now there are dc involved.... If you moved over there did he ever indicate he would want to go to UK or are you just hoping?

AngryMotherF · 04/01/2012 11:17

You need to make a decision based on what is best for the family, not just him. If you won't be happy where he wants to live, then he is being very selfish.

Could you give him reasons for living in England that would benefit your child?

Kayano · 04/01/2012 11:23

But if he is also not happy living in UK isn't it exactly the same? Selfish to force him to, ESP
As he will seeming have to take a drastic paycut...

Why not look at other alternatives too. Has he had any other suggestions?

mrspepperpotty · 04/01/2012 11:25

YANBU to want to live in the UK when you may previously have said differently - people are allowed to change their minds. This is a very tricky conversation though as it's such a big decision for you both and difficult to compromise.

When you discuss it, I would focus on the jobs etc rather than saying you don't want to live near your PILs - he might find that hurtful.

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