Engaged two weeks and hes now dumped AIBU?

10 replies

qwertysue · 03/01/2012 20:50

to try and keep the story as brief as pos, i dated X on and off for years i only had DS at time. we then got together and had a rocky relationship, i proposed to him, gave him a ring, set the wedding date, then he broadcast it to all n sundry "it wont be taking place! too soon", then he said it was back on only to do the same damn thing! so we split for 3 years, during this time i had DD but remained a single parent. we stayed in touch and became extremely close, we recently got back together having both changed alot, he had grown up an awful lot too (as he couldtn wash cook clean iron shop at 37!) and we took it for granted that we were engaged again. Even though not formally asked by him/ me. we were together for a total of just 3 weeks when i reallised that i dont want to be with him! he drinks only a couple of times a week, doesnt get plastered, but during the three years appart i have had to stay T Total as i suffer with on off depression, so that is the best way i have found to keep it at bay.
My AIBU is am i really the Tw*t and all the rest of the things he is saying about me for hurting him yet again? i have ended it this time (and for good ) because i dont want to be with anybody who drinks, as i cant stand the smell, the effects, the devestation it has caused me previously. surely that is my given right to make that my choice if i see fit? having stayed single since our split i wasnt aware of how strong this feeling was RE alcohol , as ive just avoided it and got on with life as best i can. Or is he the one BU, as he has demanded back his christmas presents that he bought for me!! he is generally a kind man, although quite hard work. I did not set out to use him, nor did i intend to hurt him.
sorry for such a long thread,

OP posts:

MissVerinder · 03/01/2012 20:55

Sometimes a door needs to be opened a few times before you notice how much it squeaks

BluddyMoFo · 03/01/2012 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 21:04

Well, you can't just stay with someone if you don't want to, so you're not unreasonable to dump him.
However, if he's a normal, not an alcoholic, drinker and was unaware of your need to avoid that, then I think he's perfectly entitled to be hurt - and whilst it's not great dignity, I think wanting the Xmas present back is fair enough.
From his point of view, he's done nothing wrong - though that's no reason for you to get back with him. I take a dim view of verbal abuse, but not enough detail to judge really.
So not U to dump him, but U not to allow him to feel hurt.

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 21:09

Oh and YABU to say you were engaged, especially given the history! If I read right, he is not father of your son, but is of your daughter? If so, I'd definitely return the present to stay on good terms as he's the hurt party. That wouldn't extend to taking verbal abuse from him.
No-one is a tw?t for calling off a relationship they don't want. Maybe a bit silly to decide you're engaged so soon, with that history, and without speaking about it though!

fallenpetal · 03/01/2012 21:10

YNBU - give him back the gifts and get back on the road you were already on moving on from him - you went back, it still didnt work, you chose to end it. Good for you!
He will get over it, men seem to in an instant usually. I choose to be single too, its the best way to deal with my own issues and be an effective parent without having to compromise myself for another person who doesnt really need me like my children do. One day we will both be ready for relationships but clearly right now single is the best for you and me hun! x

Original poster

qwertysue · 03/01/2012 21:17

thanks, i didnt think i was BU. but he got so bitter, he got his gifts returned at 2 am this morning. and he was very lucky they were undamaged. im not bothered about him returning mine, as what use to me is a pair of size 11 trainers used? amongst other things. and the timing did probably suck a bit, but tbh, it has only been 3 weeks in total, and i cant see how close he thinks he could have got in such a short time as we were both working for alot of it, and between the kids, shopping/preparing for christmas etc, there was just no need for the abuse i got!

OP posts:

Original poster

qwertysue · 03/01/2012 21:31

thanks Fallenpetal. i think that is a great idea for us both! Cabrina, no he is not the father of either of my children, and cannot stand the idea of the weekly visit i take my daughter on and yes he was aware of how much i dislike drinking, as when we were together last time if i wanted to see him id have to go to the pub after i finished work in order to locate him. and this created many arguments. in the end i got so badly depressed that i never wanted to go home at the end of the night after a drink, i just used to almost crawl home to try n blot out the unhappy times in my life.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 21:44

Well, again YANBU to end it. It sounds like a very sensible thing to do, and no matter what the circumstances - even at the altar! - if it is not the right relationship, no-one is ever unreasonable for finishing it.

But you ARE being unreasonable saying he can't have been close again after only 3 weeks. I can't say how he felt as I don't know him. But YOU in this thread title said you were engaged, and that was after only 3 weeks. So it's unreasonable of you to say he can't have felt close.

It sounds like you're both better off out of this one, and I'm glad you've given back the Xmas present. Now walk away. And stay away this time! A man who can't accept your daughter visiting her father has no place in your life.

Cabrinha · 03/01/2012 21:55

By the way, I think you should be proud of yourself for making your decision and acting on it, and you did not deserve any verbal abuse.

AngryMotherF · 03/01/2012 21:58

Yanbu

Flip