to be a bit narked with my mother

[rhetorician]

my mother is 77, fit and active, but nonetheless nearer to 80 than 70. DP and I have 2 small children, one nearly 3 and one 1 month old - I live in Ireland, my mother in the UK. By her own choice she decided not to spend Christmas with us as she almost always does, and I suggested that I would visit sometime in early January - this means leaving DP with both children over the weekend. I also work full-time and this is a particularly busy time of the year for me with several pressing deadlines that I am behind on due to having had both children at home 24/7 for the last 11 days.

So AIBU to be a bit pissed off that my mother is complaining about the shortness of my visit this time - bearing in mind that the baby is only 4 weeks old - I am going Sat lunchtime and returning Monday lunchtime. I think this is perfectly reasonable - but she is laying the I'm getting old and I need to see more of you thing on me - which is fair enough in the general scheme of things (I try to see her - other obligations permitting - every 6 weeks or so - but she likes it less to visit here as she, in her words, doesn't get to spend time with me 'on her own' ) but not really fair right now given the various pressures I am under?

but perhaps 2 weeks of being in the house have warped my view of the world and I should be more understanding?

Wow it's strange isn't it, she has the opportunity to be a full on gp, but only sees the negative. My SIL's mum sends my ds a present every year labelled love from NIL. She worries she oversteps the mark, not her GS etc, but we love it and are so touched that she wants to include him in her section of the family, even though he is absolutely no real relation whatsoever. Family is what you make it.

Your priority is to your little family. You are doing the best job you can. She needs to deal with it.

I wouldn't be welcomed if I flew over to visit my mother alone, seeing her gs is her reason for wanting to see me! I think your mother needs to start accepting your family unit for what it is - why should you leave your own kids to see her, that's too much to ask.

igginezer I think you have hit at the heart of the issue there - she doesn't really think of them as being my family, and she therefore thinks that my obligations to her have priority, as opposed to parity

Haven't read the thread, but couldn't you have taken your DC with you?

YANBU however. I get this all the time from my mum, even if I see her very frequently, it's never enough. Also she never really wants to see me, just the DC. If only I could post them up on a plane without me, she would love that! (or in her imagination she would love that, in reality she doesn't like the practical aspects of looking after the DC, just playing with them, she'd soon want me around for nappy changing etc!). Rant, rant...

I understand her concerns about travelling around Xmas, with her age, and how busy it gets from England to Ireland. But, she should have come in January, especially as the baby is still so young and you have another child (and a full time job) to content with.

How does your girlfriend feel about you going away for a long weekend? Also does she know about your mothers feelings towards your family? I can imagine she would be really quite upset to know this - surely you are too.

Those DCs are yours, regardless of what your mother thinks and it is time to make her realise that they come first. That doesn't mean that you can't visit - but that you should visit her as a family unit, as that may be much easier (granted in practice it won't be easier but it could be a mini holiday for all of you).

I hope you get her to realise that you have commitments in the form of two DCs, and I hope she accepts them as your family - which is her family too!

Forgot the YANBU bit didn't I.

Oh dear
My mother is the same age, and there's no way I get over to see her 6 weekly, I think you are a very dutiful daughter. One think I do always get (and it's the same whether it's a weekend or a week) is the 'such a short visit!' type comments. I just ignore it now.

Has your dm actually seen the 4 week old baby?
If not she should certainly be coming to you. (My dh would not be leaving me for a weekend with a month old baby for anyone!)

This is a very tricky one I think. Your mum does not seem to have accepted your family set-up which must actually make it difficult for you and her to be together - surely there's an elephant in the room? - and must also be very difficult for you and your partner. I can imagine that your DP might actually not want your mum to visit for too long, especially if you are at work?

I think at this stage, with a tiny baby, your DM should be coming to you, not the other way round, for a short-ish visit and with both you and DP around - I guess you would have to be the 'bridge' between them, and also to give DP the support she needs. And despite your mum's prejudice or reluctance to accept your relationship she needs to know that this is your family now and she needs to fit in with you really not the other way round. She does sound lonely though, and maybe if she could become more a part of your family - in the way that you want - she could enjoy having grandchildren and a DIL etc.

anonyMaw - well we can't travel to her for lots of reasons

• we haven't been invited to come as a family
• it would cost more
• dd2 is only 4 weeks old
• dd2 does not have a passport

DP to her credit is pretty supportive, although we both resent DM's failure to acknowledge both our family and (fully) my DP - and then my mother wonders why she feels marginalised; DM makes it quite clear in subtle (and not so subtle) ways that she doesn't really approve of DP (erm, we've only been together for 16 years - which I refrain from pointing out is longer than my parents' marriage, admittedly through no fault of their own).

Both DP and I are happy for her to be involved in our family, but when she visits she just sits it a chair waiting to be entertained - I'd love for this to change, but I don't see any sign of this - I've been trying to get her to accept things for the best part of my adult life! And yes, she is lonely - she has no siblings, and many of her friends are themselves very frail and elderly.

but I greatly appreciate the comments, as it makes me feel that I am doing my very best, however my mother might try to portray it.

Yes, I think you are doing your best in a very difficult situation. Horrible for you to be stuck in the middle like this and I think you should congratulate yourself for maintaining the relationship with your DM in the face of her obstacles - certainly not feel guilt for not meeting her expectations which are quite frankly unrealistic and unfair on you, DP and your children...

Tabby

And seem far more tolerant than I would be.

I feel sorry for your dp tbh.

There would be uproar if posted from her position re selfish mil excluding her and dc, demanding the partner flies over alone when baby is 4 weeks old.

Doh

Yanbu not tabby

I couldn't leave my 4 week old baby and fly to another country. DH went away on business for a week when DC4 was 4 weeks and I was rancid with rage. And he had to go, you don't. Your DP deserves a medal

my DP does deserve a medal - in fact several. She is just brilliant.

Very tricky for you and yes you are not being unreasonable. However hard I think (whilst trying to be sensitive) you need to stop giving your mother the option of treating you as a single. When she chose not to come at Xmas (I do understand the increasing nervousness with travel) you should have said - "well I can come over with DD1 if you like in January or you can come over to us - I can;t expect DP to manage a 4 weeks old baby and a toddler".

Start foisting the children upon her a bit more and start being more effusive about them and play the "oh DD1 is sooooo looking forward to seeing her grandma".

Being positioned as a much adored grandma may help.

Any suggestions that the children are not your's should be met with a firm "these are my children".

My son was adopted - he is totally my child even whilst I accept he has other parents in the world who do not parent him.

Hi rhet. Congratulations on your new baby girl. I hope you're all doing ok.

Yanbu and I agree with Kewcumber. If you treat your mother like a grandma she might learn to behave like one and treat you all as a family. Is it possible to take DD1 with you?

yes, good points, actually - I do think I kind of let her away with it - although I always contradict her on the these aren't your children front (she usually comes out with some half-baked Darwinian bollocks) - kewcumber those are very helpful suggestions, and actually dd1 does really like her

"I do think I kind of let her away with it" - if you need the impetus to change this, think about how your DC's are going to feel as they get older and realise that you accept your mothers view that they are not your children. It stiffened my backbone quite a bit!

"well they are the only children I will have an the only grandchildren you will have so lets enjoy them"

kewcumber yes - that's true - she would never express that view to them - I think she knows full well that she would get the sharp edge of DP's tongue. It's hard to explain how tricky she can be - although I guess most of you are kind of getting the picture!

I can't add much other than you know you can't change her and it must be very difficult for you knowing that you ARE your mum's whole world (family wise) but that is not your fault nor of your own making.

I guess you're going to have to put some wishes aside, and find a way of gaining a middle ground advantage that will make you feel less put upon but that also keeps her happy (as can be!). She wants to see you and you alone, so see her alone sometimes. You want her to stop the guilt trips (you can't) and accept you fully as a family unit on her visits.... you can arrange her visits to you in such a way that you get a day with her, and a day with the family for example, and keep her busy!

Regardless of your setup, sexuality, biological ties to your family, there's still a certain amount you can do to lessen your angst, and none of it will come from anyone but you and how you deal with it. All families have a fly in the ointment. My Dad was adopted, my Granny used to tell his mother that 'its almost as if he were your own' - unhelpful.

Don't apologise for the shortness of your stay. Chances are that away from you she's praising you and your commitment to her and your family, but you don't see that... she will be if she's anything like my Granny was - full of guilt trips and making me feel bad to my face, talking about me as if I were a Saint to other ears.

Mostly though, you have to stop FEELING guilty when you know you are not guilty of anything other than listening too closely to your mother's whines.

YANBU. I don't really think that many people believet that being a mother to a daughter with a young family is about getting to spend time with her on her own.

Actually if you could do it, the idea about taking your DD1 is a good one - apart from anything else, she gives you a perfect excuse to make your mum 'do' stuff rather than sit and navel-gaze about your relationship with DP, and also a great opportunity for you to divert uncomfortable conversations if you want to. My mum is very inclined to want to psychoanalyze every moment of my life, and if I have one of the kids with me she cant do it, and nor do I have to tell her that I dont want her to do it.
Sometimes with the older generation it's easier to divert and deflect rather than confront? - rather like toddlers in fact.

boschy amazingly similar to toddlers...