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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my friend shouldn't wait?

10 replies

kittensmakemesqueee · 03/01/2012 19:42

I have a friend who I have known since we were both kids and have stayed on loose contact with. Last time I saw he she told me she would be trying for a baby when she finished university (shes 29) well she just finished and was teling me they decided to hold off a few years. I asked why and apparently her husband of 5 years has decided he does want kids...but just not yet.

This was something he had told her originally but then apparently he was coming around to the idea and was ok with them starting now. Last they spoke about it though he told her he didnt want kids.

My friend then pushed him for a why saying there must be a reason (I don't think anyone needs a reason) so he went away slept over at a friend's and decided it was just a timing issue he does want them in a few years.

there is a history of infertility in her family so she really hasn't got any guarantee that she will conceive when he decides the time is right..and to be honest I think he really doesn't want kids but doesn't want to lose her and is stringing her along.

I don't feel we're close enough for me to say this to her..but I feel like she needs to tell him we do this now or we split up. If he changes his mind in her 30's she then has to get divorced, meet somebody and then try for a baby.

Personally I told dh when I was ready and said you're with me or we're over.. but with him I knew it was really a timing issue and he would be happy with a child (and he was) or I wouldn't have pushed it. Dh just thought he had loads of time to "get around to it"

OP posts:

Waxtart · 03/01/2012 19:49

I think she needs to come to her own decision about whether it's a dealbreaker or not in her own time. It's not that straightforward when you're in love with someone just to give an ultimatum like that if you aren't ready to live with the consequences. It's complex and it's personal and no-one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, it will be different for all of us. Poor thing, that's a really tough thing to deal with, but she does still have time on her side.

Jasper · 03/01/2012 19:49

you can think it but it's not your place to say it.

ComposHat · 03/01/2012 19:52

Personally I told dh when I was ready and said you're with me or we're over..

For fuck's sake don't go into hostage negotiation as a career!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 03/01/2012 19:53

I agree you can think it

and sounds like you're only in contact in bursts, there may be real genuine considerations going on with her DH - there might be debt/career/other ishoos going on which at times may be prohibitive in his mind to having a child and at other times doable if they can get on top of the issues.

I find that it's one area where people aren't always as honest about as they are with other things. when you speak to people their TTC plans/reasons are often quite black and white but in reality I think there's probably usually more to it.

If you're aware of her family history with fertility then she obviously is so what exactly can you tell her? you have no new information for her

slavetofilofax · 03/01/2012 19:53

She needs to come to that conclusion for herself if that's what's right for her. Stay out of it.

tigermoll · 03/01/2012 19:54

Agree with Jasper....you're probably right that she ought to crack on, especially if she's sure she wants kids now, and may have probs conceiving.

However, I'm not sure you can do much good by saying this to her. How will you feel if she issues an ultimatum, then dumps her bloke, is really sad for ages, and then spends the next five years single, desperately trying to find the perfect daddy for her babies, can't find him and ends up 'settling' for some lame-assed sperm donor?

Obviously, I'm extrapolating wildly

lisaro · 03/01/2012 19:56

Yes, absolutely nothing to do with you.

Original poster

kittensmakemesqueee · 03/01/2012 19:59

Well clearly I'd have to loan her dh tiger make him good for something .

Like I said in the op I definitely have no intention of saying anything to her. I just hope she doesn't realize it all too late, I feel bad for her. I know that her dh still has some issues regarding his childhood and I think it's probably the reason he isn't interested in having children..but I hope he doesn't change make her wait too long to see it.

OP posts:

tigermoll · 03/01/2012 20:46

I think all you can do is be supportive of her, and give her a sympathetic ear. Which I'm sure you are already doing.

Or you could tell her about a friend/sad story you read/thing you saw on MN about someone who's DH strung her along for years saying 'not yet' to babies, and now its too late. Just to put the idea in her head....

AMumInScotland · 03/01/2012 21:06

She knows that there's no guarantee they'll have children. But it's up to her whether or not that's a deal-breaker. You decided that for you it was, and acted accordingly. She may feel differently. She may prefer to stay with a man she loves, without children if it never happens, rather than give him an ultimatum in the hope of forcing the issue.

So you may think she shouldn't wait, but you aren't her, and you don't know if her priorities are the same as yours.

If she says "babies or we split" she may end up pg and in a faltering relationship becayuse of it, or pg and split up anyway. That may not seem to her to be a risk she wants to take.

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