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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want DH to go on sofa??

45 replies

roz1982 · 03/01/2012 16:55

We have a 6 week old DS. DH does first night time feed and I do second and early morning then DH goes to work and I stay home with DS. Now here's the problem... DH snores like a steam train, and it's generally much worse early morning...from 5 onwards but he snores on and off all night. I really can't stand it anymore...if its not DS keeping me awake it's him snoring!!!! This morning I insisted he went and slept on sofa at 5am...he was really annoyed and wouldn't!!

Im confused by his reluctance and anger as he would get a couple hours uninterrupted sleep on sofa and no kicks from me/squawks from DS! If he insisted I go and sleep on sofa you wouldn't see me for dust! It's a nice big comfy sofa! He did eventually storm off and sleep on sofa but was IBU to insist ask? I really don't think he understands how absolutely horrific it is to be kept awake by snoring...I wear ear plugs but can still hear him loud and clear! What can be done??

OP posts:
NoobyNoob · 03/01/2012 18:36

I think you are being totally unreasonable, and your posts do come across as being angry.

Calm down and have a chat to him about it, work something out that suits you both.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 03/01/2012 18:41

Buy a sofa bed. Then whichever of you wants to can sleep downstairs and still actually get some sleep. That's what we did - dh snores like a chainsaw and it got to the point where I was actually ready to smother him with the pillow while screaming "DIE DIE DIE YOU NOISY FUCKER" in the end. It was separate sleeping arrangements or divorce, so we bought a sofa bed. The only time we ever actually sleep together now is Christmas Eve because Santa can't come if one of us is in the living room.

TadlowDogIncident · 03/01/2012 18:48

YANBU. I coped fine for years with DH's snoring - largely by making sure I was asleep before he was, as provided I got to sleep before it really started I was OK. When we had DS, it had to be separate beds as otherwise I got no sleep at all after DS woke me for the first time: I spent DS's first six weeks sleeping on the sofa, with him in a Moses basket next to me, because it was the only place I could breastfeed comfortably and I didn't want to have to move too far in the middle of the night, and then I went into one bedroom with DS's cot next to me and DH moved into the other. It probably saved our marriage.

OhyouBadBadkitten · 03/01/2012 18:52

I think the op is allowed to feel unreasonable with a 6 week old. I think I was most unreasonable at that stage.

TadlowDogIncident · 03/01/2012 18:58

Agreed, OhyouBadBadkitten. Sleep deprivation does that to you. On night 4 of DS's life (the night I cracked and moved into the sitting room) I was feeling almost literally murderous to DH.

Hassled · 03/01/2012 19:02

Yes, he should move. And lose weight maybe? Is that a problem with him - it seems to be one of the main causes of snoring. My DH has spent many many nights on the sofa (and seen all sorts of doctors and ENT people), and has no problem with it.

And be as angry as you like. It's bad enough being sleep deprived through a new baby, but if you throw a snoring partner into the mix it will make the sanest person homicidal. You need your sleep.

theyoungvisiter · 03/01/2012 19:24

"Be as angry as you like."

Seriously WTF?

Look we've all been there. I know what it's like being sleep deprived with a newborn. But it's not a green light to treat your partner like crap for a problem they never asked for and have no immediate control over.

Of course you can get angry and shout at your partner but it's not going to make him stop snoring and it will be a hell of a lot better for your relationship in the long run if you can find a way to make him feel ok about this rather than acting like it's his fault.

Richlinn · 03/01/2012 19:29

You have my sympathy. I have decanted my parter to the spare room for exactly this problem. His snoring is so bad that I still have to sleep with earplugs - and go to bed earlier than him, so that I can get to sleep.
A ray of hope though - he has tried different remedies and the currrent one does seem to be making a difference - He uses Vicks Micromist at least an hour before going to bed and the improvement is noticable.
I hope you find a solution quickly.

ChippyMinton · 03/01/2012 21:42

"like I said I would happily go and sleep on sofa, but there's a 6 week old baby to be fed at 3am and 6am!!"

Sorry but you didn't mention that you had an emcs. I had one too with DC1, so I understand that you might not want to be pootling around in the night carrying stuff. But i did make a practical suggestion re sleeping arrangements for the baby, so no need to bite my head off.

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for good reason! Can you nap in the daytime when the baby sleeps? And please don't forget your DH needs his sleep too.

I hope you can sit down calmly and work out a plan together that works for both of you.

troisgarcons · 03/01/2012 21:45

DH goes to work and I stay home with DS

YOU sleep on the sofa - he's still at work, employed, fulfilling a contract and needs to have his wits about him in this economic market - assuming you want to keep a roof over your head, food on the table and some semblance of financial order.

TadlowDogIncident · 03/01/2012 21:55

Er, troisgarcons, she's on maternity leave with a 6-week-old baby - for all we know it's her salary that's keeping a roof over their heads in the bigger picture. And even if you're right, I don't view being the WOHP as a get-out-of-jail-free card for all the grottier bits of parenting. if you're a parent, you get less sleep than if you're not - whether it's because you're breastfeeding or because you're sleeping on the sofa so that your partner can get some sleep.

rookiemater · 03/01/2012 21:58

Gosh these are harsh responses as if being woken up at twice a night, then getting woken up by your DPs snoring and then looking after a 6 week old all day doesn't consitute hard work

OP its entirely normal for couples to sleep separately in the early days. I must say that I would not be able to sleep on a sofa regardless of how comfy it is whereas DH is snoring happily in front of Brian Cox at this very minute Grin

Have a chat with him when you are both awake. Apologise for wakening him, but I don't think its unreasonable to ask him to sleep on the sofa, providing he can get a semi decent nights sleep there.

NinkyNonker · 03/01/2012 21:58

Yanbu.

troisgarcons · 03/01/2012 22:02

Er - been there - done that three times - Hmm let me think .... Hmmmm precious and demanding to sleep comfortably and having a shitty partner fucking up work life - or taking a couple of hours discomfort and slipping into bed when he's out the door?

hmmm let me think ..... no brainer really isnt it?

Whatmeworry · 03/01/2012 22:09

Both people getting enough sleep is critical, and a baby does not trump Rest Of Life. It's quite common for couples to sleep in separate beds with newborns. Why not take it in turns? Do you have a spare room, that may be more acceptable?

TadlowDogIncident · 04/01/2012 08:00

trois, did you miss the part where she said she'd also had an EMCS? The person who's had major surgery gets the bed in my view. Can you imagine if she'd come on here and said, my DH is off work after major surgery and he's snoring like a pneumatic drill, AIBU to make him sleep on the sofa so I can get a decent night's sleep before going to work?

TadlowDogIncident · 04/01/2012 08:02

Plus not all babies nap for long enough in the daytime for the adult to get any sleep. DS's daytime naps were in 20-minute stretches, which was long enough for me to get a shower but certainly not to sleep. I was on the point of taking an axe to the next person who told me I could sleep when the baby slept.

TroublesomeEx · 04/01/2012 08:31

My DH snores. So loudly the neighbours can hear it. Blush He has always snored but it has definitely got worse with the few extra stone he has put on in weight.

I sleep on the sofa and did so throughout my pregnancy and immediately following my return from hospital after EMCS.

In fact, the only time we share a bed is when we are on holiday camping and on Christmas Eve.

DH doesn't like it but I have sleep problems anyway and the last thing I need is something disturbing the little sleep I do get!

It's been that way for the last 6 years. He doesn't like it, but he knows what will improve it and he refuses to lose weight so, for now, me sleeping on the sofa is the only solution. And tbh, I don't have any issue with it.

If you're tired and need some sleep, get thee down on the comfy sofa!

LyssaM · 04/01/2012 09:22

I permanently sleep on the sofa.

dh has sleep apnoea (sp?) which causes the snoring, plus some related health issues. You can sometimes hear him two floors away. His health is monitored, he has a mild form of it, and it's okayish. Sleep apnoea can be life threatening.

LyssaM · 04/01/2012 09:23

Just adding - the sofa is really, really comfy, and at weekends when I get one lie in and he gets the other, he spends my lie in night on the sofa, I have his bed and the bed isn't as comfy.

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