WWYD toddler at a funeral?

[heartmoonshadow]

An elderly relative of mine has passed away over the holidays and the funeral is on Friday. Her husband has told us she expressly wished for the children of the family to go to her funeral there are a few them aged a few weeks up to teens but I am not sure about taking my child. The reason being that I am currently pregnant and will cry at anything at the moment because of hormones and it upsets my toddler at the best of times and if this is duplicated over many adults she will get really upset.

So WWYD?

I would probably turn up and stay in the foyer or outside, bring a coat, just go to the bit afterwards where people are eating and drinking.

I have not taken mine to a funeral before and I wouldn't - we catually came home on the way to my friend's, because I was upset and I knew ds would be too and it was 300 miles away so a long trip for him.

I'd left my 2yo with my mum but she didn't want to have both.
Anyway - you're at the mercy of your child's needs and that's more important than being in the ceremony.

Or just turn up at the party bit, and don't bother doing the actual funeral at all.

Sorry about your relative btw

Ask a friend to go with you and ask them to take your toddler out of the service if necessary.

I did this for my best friend.

We took DS to two funerals, one when he was 10 weeks old and the other when he was 3 years old. There was no one else to look after him. Funerals were 3 hour drive away and all people we knew there were going. We sat at the end of an aisle and when he created, I took him out (it was DH's family so he stayed). I got upset that he had screamed so badly the first time (he had colic and I wasn't coping) but DH's aunt said that granny would have loved to have heard him cry as she had never got to meet him. That made me feel better. He was beautifully behaved at age 3.

I have taken DD to two funerals in the last year. The second one was DHs nan, and we found out I was pregnant on the day she died. We managed to get a message to her via MIL before she passed away, but it did make it very hard on the day.

For the first one, DD stood on my lap throughout the service, waved and smiled at people and sang when the hymns were played whilst I cried. My crying didn't bother her too much, and actually her being so happy made it much easier for me (and for a lot of others too it would seem)

At the second one, I had to take DD out as she was overtired and needed a sleep, as it was DH's family I didn't really have anyone I could ask to take over. No-one minded that I was outside the church because I was still 'there' IYSWIM. I'd go, and if you can't find anyone to go with you to take DD off you then don't worry, I don't think anyone will mind if you have to take her outside yourself if all the upset gets too much - for either of you.

I took my young son with me to my Nan's funeral. H came with me and looked after him/took him out when he got unsettled. Could you take someone with you?

I would, and have, taken a toddler to a funeral. It was my late grandmother's funeral and, even though we all got upset and cried buckets, there were also plenty of laughs and inappropriate chatter and it was a lot less gloomy and much more colourful than some all-adult funerals I've been to. My gran would have especially hooted when DS (then almost 3yo) asked 'why are we putting that box in a hole?'

No-one was traumatised.

Thanks for the replies I really wasnt sure if it was 'the done thing' to take toddlers but it appears to be acceptable. I will have some support at the funeral as all of family will be there and so will DH. I am thinking maybe that the service will be a nightmare but at the wake afterwards that the kids may provide a form of light relief for the sombre occasion. Thanks again

HMS

I would go and explain mummy is sad. I have never been to a funeral where people where openly howling so a few quiet tears is just to be expected. The sooner children realise that death is part of the circle of life the better imo. Just be prepared to go outside if need be. I think children at funerals is nice, they are a good distraction and a reminder that life goes on regardless.

I am very sorry for your loss x

If it is C of E service, it'll only be half an hour. Catholic will be longer I imagine.

I think it is lovely that your elderly relative wanted children at her funeral. I can understand that you don't want your toddler to get upset. To be honest, there will probably be many people there happy to see and help entertain her, and although people will also be sad I don't think it very likely that there will be crowds of wailing adults (no disrespect to your relative), so i don't think that the experience is likely to be overly upsetting for her. I would go, but ask someone to look after her briefly if you feel teary.

I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a toddler to a funeral at all, but I didn't take ds as I was not really willing to answer "why are we putting that box in the hole?" type questions, although I had told him that his gf was dead and we wouldn't see him again. I went to the service on my own, then picked ds up after and he came to the wake, where his presence was much appreciated.

There is nothing wrong with taking small children to funerals. It is ok for them to see that adults get upset sometimes,and a good time to explain why you are on this occasion. I think it is wrong that people try to hide death from children, it as much a fact of life as birth is, and no-one tries to hide that from them. I also think children can make wonderfully "inappropriate" comments that actually help others at the funeral to realise life goes on.

I took my DD to my great aunt's cremation when I was pregnant with my DS2 , and she sat beautifully all the way through.(DH had to work, DS1 was at school).

Should have said.... the 'hole' question was perfect comic timing. There was a sudden outbreak of stifled laughter, hankies clamped to noses and the dignity of the moment was totally lost. Then again, my gran was renowned for social gaffes her whole life - leaping out of the congregation and hugging brides at the altar, for example - so the irony wasn't lost on the assembled.

Ordinarily I would say take your child, however I just went to a wedding with dd 2yo who was so badly behaved that I was tearing my hair out. So, if your child will be good then take them, if not maybe just attend the wake.

Cogito, how did you answer the hole question?

I took my toddler to a funeral while pregnant (I had a thread about it too)
It was timed perfectly with his nap and he slept all the way through :)

If they've expressed that children are welcome then they will be prepared for the usual noise that brings. I would just sit near the back and have some small toys or emergency treats to distract. If she gets too loud you can pop outside for a time.

I love chilren being at funerals. I think it comforts everyone to see them and quite often they can bring a bit of levity to the situation.

Sorry to hear of your loss.
My Nana died suddenly in August last year. I was at her bedside with the rest of the family when she died and we had a respectful discussion at the time. Where my Aunt said that she thought the great grandchildren should be there at the funeral. As her, my mum and uncle were small children when their dad died and they weren't allowed at the funeral, which led to them always wondering where he'd gone and what had happened.
I did take my DD(5) with me. It was emotional but a quite light-hearted cremation. She decided not to put a rose on the coffin which was fine. She does mention it occasionally now and with good memories. My nieces also went ages 20months, 6 and 9.
Tbh i'm pleased the children were there, but my DD did get upset at seeing me sobbing which started her off, but i do not regret taking her. It was a family event and we shared it as a family.

We took dd when she was about 3. A large packet of jelly babies ensured she was quite happy to sit quietly during the service.