To feel hurt by this? Or am I being petty?

[BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers]

My grandad passed away in mid-December. His funeral is next monday. :(

This will probably sound petty and don't mind being told AIBU on this but, last night my mum rang me (she has been dovorced from my dad since 1984 and it is my paternal grandfather who has died) saying that she thought I might want to know that there are a lot of verses in the newspaper (the one local to them, I live a distance away) from immediate family. No-one had bothered to tell me that they were putting verses in so I didn't get chance to put one in. My dad has 12 siblings and I have 16 cousins on that side of the family. Despite being in contact with all of them via text/Facebook/at a party before christmas no-one even mentioned the verses. I feel really sad that I haven't written one for him. I am the only grandchild missing in the verses.

TBH I am most pissed off with my dad. His is there with my stepmum's name. If I were him (or my stepmum) I'd have rang and said "Everyone is doing a verse for your grandad on X date. Do you want to split the cost and put your name on ours or do your own?" I have been poorly all over christmas so admittedly I've not thought about verses until last night. But would a gentle prompt kill anyone? I have felt left out over the whole horrible thing, really. I have a difficult relationship with my dad, or rather awkward actually.

The short of it is is that I feel like a Bad Person for being the only one not to have written a verse. Even my cousin who lives at the other end of the country and no-one ever sees knew about it.

I'm being petty, aren't I?

I don't think you are, it's understandable to feel that way IMO.

No you're not, it's entirely understandable to feel the way you do.

But please don't feel bad. That you're grandad knew he was loved and important to you when he was here is by far and away the more important thing. You know how you feel about him and what he meant to you - that's what counts.

The really important thing is that YOU know you loved you grandpa, and that you miss him and will attend his funeral. Tbh I don't understand verses in newspapers when people have died anyway. Rise above the rest of your family's behaviour (easier said, I know).

No, you're not being petty. This looks like it's been coordinated/initiated by someone and I do think that person, or indeed your dad, might have mentioned it.

But please try not to dwell on it- there's nothing you can do now, and it's the sort of thing that will be forgotten very quickly. All the best for Monday, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

No, you aren't being petty. But grief throws things out of proportion.

When my dad died my sister took control as she was very near my parents home and I was out of the country. She organized that all the children wrote a poem and read it at the service - except my son who was so upset.
She then berated me for saying the dc were going to chose flowers to bring as she said my mother had chosen a floral arrangement from the grandchildren and that I would upset her.
Then all the other grandchildren turned up with their own flowers while my dc had none.

But at the funeral I realised it didn't matter - it was all just, well dressing really. I sat at the back and said goodbye to my dad with my children in our own way. It actually felt mire personal, less staged.

Write him a verse. Take it with you. Don't be upset it is just a distraction. Say goodbye how you chose to. Grieve how you want to grieve.

I am sorry though. It is hard.

No you are not being petty. You feel how you feel and in the situation your feelings are natural.

Somehow I got left out of my Grandmothers special birthday event and I felt gutted. My name was missing on the list of gifts and when I found out I had missed my chance (or rather deliberately left out) , I cried and cried.

When my Grandfather passed away the florist ripped me off by doing a very very poor wreath for the funeral. I felt terrible.

When something important and big happens and your moment to mark your respect has gone, its gone.

HOWEVER, you can still publish something in the paper if you like and you can still do something at the funeral. Dont let your dads sillyness stop you from marking your respect.
Do a reading at the funeral service, order a nice wreath, publish something in a paper.

You aren't being petty, but how about thinking about it this way -

Those are public declarations of grief and loss in the paper. Do you really want your grief to be publically declared?

Do something important for you and your granda in private - it will have far far more meaning for you than splitting the cost of a newspaper ad (which is essentially what the announcement it - its charged like an ad...)

Plant his favourite plans in your garden and tend to it lovingly every year, or buy a special seat for your garden and think of him every time you sit in it....or put a spcial picture on your wall of the 2 of you...

I don't think YABU to feel left out. But - and I mean this nicely - who are the verses for? Are they putting them in out of some sort of competition/conspicuous grieving? Because your Grandad will 'know' just as well if you wrote a verse and never even read it aloud (sorry, not trying to second-guess your belief system). In fact, you could write something and tell them that you'd like to read it at the funeral, because you didn't get included in the verses in the paper. Or publish it yourself. Or do something in his memory that would mean something - buying one of those patches of woodland as a nature reserve praps.

It's thoughtless and a bit mean for them to have left you out, yes. But don't take that as an indication that your Grandad thought any less of you.

Should clarify - I am in no way suggesting that you want to put in the verses out of some sort of one-upmanship. Just that your dad's family seem to have set a lot of store by that, as opposed to all of you doing something together.

You know me. Never knowingly tactful

Thank you for being nice.

I do agree that it has been co-ordinated by someone (my dad's sister, who takes the reins on everything) but still. I rang my dad last night saying "I didn't realise that everyone was doing verses for grandad tonight. Shall I put one in on my own?" and he went "I didn't know they were going in tonight either or I would have told you, sorry." But he KNEW they were going to happen at some point and he still didn't tell me.

I suppose that even though I DO feel hurt by it, the thing that's rankling most with me is my dad. The flaws in our relationship really come to the surface at times like this. I know that had it been a bereavement on my mum's side, she would have either put my name on the end of hers or just rang and told me in the first place. Just seeing my dad and stepmum's name and not thinking to include me, or his grandson actually, just confirms that he doesn't see me, or us, as part of his family unit.

I also agree with you, Sue. I do think that the verses are for vanity. I just feel weird at being the only one out of seventeen grandchildren that didn't get the opportunity to do one.

Pag, I'm so sorry, that sounds awful. Sitting at the back at your dad's funeral can't have been easy. You're such a lady. I would have been huffing and puffing about it.

I'm sorry for your loss. I was especially close to mine and his death hit me very, very hard.

You can still do a verse of your own and even put it in the paper if you want to, and Pag is write, a lot of this stuff is just for show by the people doing it and it doesn't mean they loved him more than you or are hurting worse than you. Some people made a big show of grief at the funerals when we buried our children but have never bothered to speak their names, visit their grave or remember them in any way since that point.

The situation with your father is tricky. It's his father who has died, so he may not be thinking clearly enough to realise how hurtful this has been for you.

Speaking from my own past experience, the long wait for a funeral is a terrible time. We had to wait six weeks before we could bury our son and three weeks to bury our daughter and it was an awful time. I don't think I could begin to describe it but I felt very closed in on myself during that time, unable to really think about anyone else past the situation we were in. I don't know if I'm even making any sense now.

But perhaps once the funeral is over you could wait awhile and see how you still feel about this, then speak to your father or your aunt and say how being left out made you feel. Or perhaps by then you won't want to. But either way, YANBU to feel hurt by this at all.

You are spot on, it is more about your relationship with your dad I think.
The stuff re my dads funeral was entirely about my sister and our relationship. She used my dads funeral to try and hurt me. Your dad failed, as you see it, to support you. That is really hurtful.

All the more reason to separate out your grief for your grandad out and just concentrate on how you want to say goodbye without baggage. I like Suepurblys suggestions. I have a bench in my garden that I go and think about my dad.

Btw my sister is a fucking cow. >

That should say "especially close to my granddad" and "Pag is right" by the way .

Oh I am so sorry for your losses, NoOne. Really sorry.

Your sister sounds it tbf, Pag. Effing cow is tame. I'm afraid if she were my sister, the c-bomb would have been dropped many times, linked together with lots of effings, bastards, wankers and twats.

So sorry too NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes.