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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! possible awkwardness, sister is trying for a baby, I'm pregnant

20 replies

himynameisfred · 03/01/2012 01:09

I'm 26 and pregnant with my third, haven't anounced it yet.
My sister is 30 and trying for her first child and desperately wants a baby.

She is visiting soon, don't see her often, and I'm scared to announce my pregnancy! as it may seem unfair that I'm pregnant when I have 2 kids under 4 already.

I just told her I might be pregnant, she said 'don't you think you have enough to deal with already'.

I feel bad, eek. I'm actually nearly 18 weeks pregnant, so it's pretty established.

Help?

OP posts:

SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 03/01/2012 01:13

I had a difficult time when I was TTC and it seemed everyone else just had to breathe on each other and they got knocked up...

But to say 'don't you think you have enough to deal with already'. is incredibly unkind and rude, and I wouldn't try and sugar coat your pregnancy she should be happy for you. How long has she been TTC?

AllGoodNamesGone · 03/01/2012 01:13

You need to tell her.

When you say visiting, do you mean she will be staying with you? If so, I would phone her soon and give her time for the news to sink in, instead of waiting till she is at your house and not able to sneak away for a cry or whatever.

slavetofilofax · 03/01/2012 01:17

Tell her in private, and if you think she is likely to be upset, tell her when it will be ok for her to leave if she wants to.

If she knows you might be pregnant, she will have prepared herself if it's going to be hard. She is going to find out the truth sooner or later, so you need to tell her straight that it's not a might.

It's not unfair that you already have two, it's just life.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Original poster

himynameisfred · 03/01/2012 01:18

she's coming to stay next week, an has been trying 6 months I believe.
Thanks maybe I should tell her asap :/

OP posts:

Original poster

himynameisfred · 03/01/2012 01:20

thanks for the congrats.
I was hoping she'd anounce she was pregnant firsrt and then I could say snap, but it's not happening..

OP posts:

bobbledunk · 03/01/2012 01:22

Congratulations on your pregnancy. You shouldn't feel guilty, it's not your fault that she has yet to conceive. Just because she hasn't yet had the baby she wants doesn't mean that she can't be happy for your good fortune.

LivingDead · 03/01/2012 01:38

I do understand where you are coming from, my sister had been ttc for years, then finally did conceive(via IVF). When she was 5 months pregnant, I accidentally fell pregnant, I did feel a bit like I was stealing her thunder, but whatever, life is life.

Her comment was a bit mean tbh, it's not your fault that she isn't pregnant. I would tell her before she comes to stay, let her compose herself and hopefully put on a happy face. Children are not rationed, you are not taking her share away by having a third, no reason at all to feel bad.

Original poster

himynameisfred · 03/01/2012 02:06

Thank you x

OP posts:

ComposHat · 03/01/2012 03:33

OP- Congratulations!

I understand your sister is having a very tough time, but her comment to you was horrid and unwarranted. What does she want you to do, put your family plans on hold until she can conceive?

I thought she might have been trying for years, rather than a few months. Six months is perfectly normal, especially if she was on the pill for a number of years beforehand. Can another friend/family member try and give her a bit of advice/reassurance on that score?

I think you just need to tell her (preferably before she comes to stay and in private) rather than have her finding out from someone else, which would be hurtful. Just be totally matter of fact about it, rather than apologising for having another child and living your life.

FlangelinaBallerina · 03/01/2012 08:56

Might be an idea to tell her over the phone rather than in person. That way, if she needs some space or time to cry she can make an excuse in order to end the conversation, and not have to see you until she's ready. I sympathise with you both, it is hard in this position. I dreaded telling a friend who's been TTC for a year about my entirely unplanned pregnancy. It was hard, and I'm still not sure how she feels about it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 03/01/2012 09:12

Oh, that is difficult.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. What she said was unkind, I really hope she isn't normally like that. I can understand it must have really hurt.

I agree you need to tell her - can you acknowledge you know it's hard for her? If it were me, I think I'd want someone to say that. 6 months isn't very long (despite the way it must feel), so I hope it will happen soon for her too.

Dozer · 03/01/2012 09:16

Agree that phone before the visit would be best. Why did you lie and say you might be pregnant when you knew you were?

Her comment wasn't nice.

diddl · 03/01/2012 09:20

Congratulations!

Of course you should tell her & expect her to be a bit hurt.

But realistically your pregnancy has no bearing on her getting pregnant or not.

Six months isn´t that long-but try to be sympathetic & let her know it hasn´t been done to hurt her.

Lambzig · 03/01/2012 09:30

Congratulations! Your sister was a bit rude and that wasn't a nice comment, but she probably didnt mean it.

I was ttc for 10 years while my sister had three babies and I couldnt help feeling that it wasnt fair and incredibly jealous each time (not rational, but for some reason it was so much worse when it was my sister rather than friends, as if there was only so many babies in our family available and she had them all), but that was my issue (and hopefully I managed to keep it from her).

I would say tell her when she is on her own, preferably by phone first, so that she can get her game face on. Please dont say "your turn next" or "six months isnt a long time" or anything like that as it makes it so much worse.

However, please don't feel guilty about celebrating your fantastic news.

nomoredora · 03/01/2012 09:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

From another perspective, it took 5 years for me to conceive DS. During that time a lot of friends/relatives fell pregnant. I remember my cousin telling me she felt bad announcing her pregnancy as she knew how much we wanted a baby. My honest reply to her was not to be so daft! I wanted "my" baby, that didn't stop me from being happy that she was having "her" baby. You sister was a bit out of order with her comment to you, and thats coming from someone who knows how it feels to long for a child.

Panda1234 · 03/01/2012 09:54

Tell her as soon as possible so she's got time to process it.

She shouldn't have snapped at you, but she's probably going to be pretty hurt that you're 18 weeks pregnant and haven't told her - she's going to feel like the last person to know. Not saying anything because you were worried about her reaction or thought she might get pg is going to have made things worse.

j3ssycat · 03/01/2012 10:47

Hi, this is my first mumsnet post after lurking for some time. I had a similar situation when i was pregnant with DS (now almost 1).....my sister-in-law had been trying to conceive for almost 6 years since she and my brother married....i am 3 years younger than my brother and fell pregnant by accident, and during my pregnancy she was undergoing ivf. It was impossibly hard to tell her - I did so over the phone so she wouldn't have to put on a brave face with me for the rest of her visit in case she was upset. I acknowledged to her that i completely understood that she may be sad as well as happy for me. At the time she was an absolute sweetheart and declared hw happy she was for me. I didn't have much contact through the rest of my pregnancy as she was undergoing ivf in Japan (she is Japanese). After DS was born she returned to the UK a few months later and came to see us. She then announced that she was pregnant - in fact not through the IVF but naturally - horray !! suffice to say it was the best thing i could have wished to hear from anyone last year. She has since told me that she is sorry she was out of contact during my pregnancy as she found it very hard and was very happy for me but it hit home how sad she was that it wasn't her. So i would say try to be sensitive about it all but try not to feel guilty, the fact that you care shows that you are a kind person......just understand that her mixed emotions are understandable and try to give her some allowances for being a bit distant, she shouldn't give you snide remarks but if she does try to take a deep breath and remember you would rather have your own problem than hers......

SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 03/01/2012 14:33

6 months really isn't a long time though. It's a totally normal amount of time. For her to get shirty about it is ridiculous.

PaintYouFestive · 03/01/2012 14:42

Don't you think you have enough to deal with ???
I would have responded :

Don't you think you're being a bit rude?

lunar1 · 03/01/2012 14:53

She was a bit rude but it may have been because you seemed so casual about it, and for her TTC is becoming all consuming.

I would tell her ASAP, before anyone else, and either by phone or in a place where she can easily leave or go for a quick cry.

It took me 7 years of trying to have my first and i was always happy for friends or family when they became pregnant, it was when they were secretive, or told every one else but asked them not to tell me when it really hurt.

when i got my good news i told my friends that were ttc first and by phone, this it what we agreed to do between the 4 of us at work who were having a hard time.

try not to hold her comment against her, infertility really messes with your head and she may have been trying longer than she has let on.

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