to be relieved my uni age DD broke up with her lovely bf

[Happymum22]

My DD went off to uni having been with her boyfriend for 6 months.
He was a lovely, caring, intelligent guy. They were both 18 and he had treated her well throughout. They went off to good unis, about an hour and a half apart.

I was delighted the day she brought him home for the first time and thought wow she's finally got a really decent guy. They spent most of the end of their school weeks together, they were both at single sex schools but just down the road from each other so would meet up in their lunch breaks. My previously troubled DD became a new person who finally saw someone cared for and loved her, and hence began to love herself much more.

But after 3 months of phone calls home from uni, loving it but struggling missing the boyfriend or worrying about their relationship constantly, when she came home the other day sad that she had ended it I felt nothing but relief. I know at her age and just from knowing her as a person, shes not ready for a really serious relationship. She's been with him 9 months and I know they had sex. I just saw how much she struggled with the pressure of 'making it work', that it got to the point she wasn't enjoying the relationship.

This past year she has really 'found herself' and picked herself up after huge adversity she's been through, she's done this with her boyfriend's support and love but I also know she needs to go it alone a bit, relax and enjoy uni and realise she can be that person she is now single without needing to rely on her boyfriend who has been her 'rock'.

She's now panicing and saying she wants to get back with him but knows its not right and she doesn't want to go back to uni in a long distance relationship again. She was previously leaving her uni to see him at Exeter every few weeks, and he'd do vice versa, but this was unsettling at a time she needed stability to get used to living in her new city.
I'm incredibly proud of how well shes coped at uni and made friends, settled and is making the most of it, but I could see her relationship was a huge stress in her life and no longer something good for her.

AIBU to think (but not inflict this view on DD but let her make her own choice) she has made the right choice, to dread her giving in and getting back with him, becasue i simply think she is not at a time where a long term relationship is right for her?

It's ultimately up to her as you say, but for what it's worth I think you are right.

I honestly don't think it wouldn't hurt for you to tell her what you think - that she was right to end it. She sounds like she's got her head screwed on and knows it would be a backwards step and that this relationship has run its course.

I think you're right too, OP. Just be careful what you say. I wouldn't pass on the 'congratulatory feeling' to your DD if you can help it, unless she asks you. Just give her a hug and 'follow your head and your heart always' kind of thing. If your daughter is trying to branch out on her own decision-making, it can be a bit unnerving if mum/dad comment unasked.

Also, if she does get back with him later on, it can make things awkward.

DD asked my opinion and I said I completely support her and agree the relationship had run its course and had become more of a stress than enjoyment and that it will take time to come to terms with it all because X was such a lovely boy and she will keep on loving him for a while and now its over most probably feel the harship of being with him was easier than the pain of not.
I added that I think she needs time to adjust and it all to sink in, and if at that point a few months when shes back at uni she thinks its really meant to be and she wants to give it another go then thats always going to be an option. And that there are plenty more lovely boys at uni im sure!

Hope i wasnt too clear with my thoughts but expressed that I support her and don't think she should go back on her decision just yet...:s!!!

I agree with you and it sounds like you've phrased it right with her.

I was just like her and the splitting up was painful - I knew it was what I wanted but felt very guilty and ended up sleeping with him once when I saw him in the holidays .... very messy and I hope she doesn't do that.

Perhaps suggest that she goes back to uni, and if they both feel they should be together when they are back for Easter, they could give it another go. She'll have met someone else by Easter I'm sure. I don't know anyone who made pre-uni relationships work once they got there, unless they went to the same Uni.

I agree with Lydia- it might be good for them to get a bit of space and work out what they both want. I was in the same situation, new city, madly in love with my boyfriend who had a job back at home and was finding it all very difficult. I decided I didn't want to lose him so moved back home and commuted 2 hours to uni until we could afford to get a flat together. We're now married. :-) If they decide they want to make a go of it then it is possible!

I also think you are right. I was in just the same situation, then had a great time at Uni. Agree to be careful what you say, because a few years out of Uni I met up again with my 'teenage boyfriend' and we were married within the year......and have our 15th wedding anniversary in May.

I did similar, went to uni having had a boyfriend for around 5 months. Long distance is a killer- you need strong foundations, a lot of strength and energy to keep it going. I broke up with the boy for no reasons other than the distance, I was in love with him and nothing seemed wrong.
Only seeing someone every few weeks and constantly leaving somewhere which you were trying to make home and only just settling into isn't easy and adds to the stress of being away from home and starting a new life. Getting used to the whole 'double life' feeling of home and uni worlds and also trying to balance this with also being part of each others worlds can be very tricky and confusing at a time where everythings just a little daunting.

I completely 100% agree with you! It sounds like a much needed and weight lifting move especially at 18 where things really shouldn't be so stressful and serious.

If they are meant to be they will get back together after some time to consider everything. She'll either come home at Easter knowing she wants and needs him back, or full of chat about a new boy she has met having moved on.

For me, I met someone else at uni, had an incredible time with him really settling because that person was there for me and with me in my new life. Things didn't work out and after uni I was working in London, met up with my ex at a bar along with some other home friends one friday after work, we hit it off again and we ended up marrying.

(Now will go back to comforting DD11 who is in tears after the New Years Disco her youth group held where her best friend apparently 'stole' her 'boyfriend'...Oh dear!!! Her first taste of heartbreak!)

I think you've handled this really well. I was dumped by the love of my life six months into my first year at uni. In retrospect I'm so glad it ended, but at the time I was inconsolable. All my friends were telling me it was for the best but I couldn't bear to hear it; and I remember a kind nurse in the health centre telling me that if I loved him that much and if he was as wonderful a person as I described, then maybe in a few years after I'd finished uni if I went back to my home town we might get back together. It was a wonderfully comforting thought and I was suddenly able to carry on with my life. Of course I'd met someone else within a month... I'm sure the nice nurse knew this would happen; she was just giving me a shot for the pain as it were, and she was very wise.

Funnily enough, years later we did get back together briefly. Then I found out he was secretly living with someone else and my eyes were opened to what a twunt he was, so I never need to look back with rose tinted specs wondering 'what if'.

OP, you could be talking about my DD who is going through the same thing. I too am relieved to see her end the relationship as I feel it's hard for her to be pulled in two directions. She is meeting up with ex-bf tomorrow and I know she still feels for him and isn't certain she's done the right thing. I think she is a bit lost without him at the moment as they were inseparable until she went to Uni. We were talking this morning and I did tell her that I think she should give herself a bit more time to adjust before rushing back into things. Don't know if she will listen though.

I think you've given good advice.

Thanks for the replies and reassurance I'm not being a crazy mother!
DD starting to see more sense but also keeps saying how much easier it would be to have not broken up... But we will see how the party on friday where ex will be goes.
Thank goodness she heads back to uni the weekend after, I think what she needs is a bit of distraction and to get away from it all.

From what I can tell from what you've written, you have already answered most of the questions yourself. You just seem to need affirmation and that it's OK too. You sound like a lovely mum.