WIBU to have snapped and caused the tension?

[makinglemonade]

At PILs for lunch along with SIL and her family. We all get on well apart from the normal family stuff.
SIL pisses me off at times with her snobbish attitude and she can be very self centred but mostly we get on fine.
A friend of mine works for her and BIL and it doesn't seem to be going well. SIL has mentioned things a few times and isn't very complimentary about friend at all. Mostly I say nothing for a quiet life.

But today they started again and I snapped at her and told her not to be a bitch and that I didn't want to listen to them slagging off my friend. SIL didn't speak to me after that and you could cut the air with a knife.

I feel awful for causing the tension but I don't think IWBU. I will apologise if it turns out I'm wrong though.

I wouldn't let anyone bitch about one of my friends to me. if it has ever happened I've always nipped it in the bud and informed the bitcher that I'm not interested in backstabbing.

I don't think you were unreasonable but if anything you should have said something sooner.

Difficult to say if you were BU. Depends on exactly what SIL said, and how she said it, as well as how you replied and what you said.

May be that you went a bit overboard if you snapped at her, and called her a bitch. But I understand why you had had enough.

I don't know, though, if you WBU.

Even if they were wrong and your friend was innocent of any wrongdoing they may have dreamed up, I think your credibility took a tumble in calling your SIL a bitch. It may have been inappropriate for them to discuss your friend with you but I think it would have been enough to point out that she's your friend and you didn;t wish to be put in a position to have to referee.

I fear Y may BU

I always refuse to engage in backstabbing conversations about friends and I just say "X is a good friend of mine and I'd rather we didn't discuss him/her".

If SIL can't see how unreasonable it is for you to engage in a bitchfest then there's little you can do other than be comforted that you occupy the moral high ground.

PS. Missed the bit about you calling her a bitch and unfortunately, that's where you lost your footing on the moral high ground. So actually, I'm not surprised the atmosphere went rather frigid.

Which is why it is better to be honest but politely definite about not participating when this sort of conversation comes up. No matter how cross you are inwardly.

Bitch is a bad choice of word. It would have been better to remain calm and just point out that your friend is your friend and you don't want to hear unpleasantness about her. But easier said than done of course.

SIL was being pretty awful about friend and I said in a light hearted manner 'don't be a bitch' rather than actually calling her a bitch iyswim
I only snapped when she continued with talking about friend

I think I prob will end up apologising so that things will be easier when we are together again.

she shouldn't be discussing her staff with you anyway should she? not fair at all

You could have put it more constructively and not made it personal. Either way you were at someone else's house and she is family. It is right to apologise but make it clear you don't want yor friend discussed so negatively infront of you.

She was being very unprofessional - I think, with the wisdom of hindsight, you should have used words to those effect rather than "bitch", lighthearted (and accurate) or not. Live and learn, though :)

I think it would have been far more dignified - and effective - to have said "SIL, please stop talking about X so nastily. She is your employee and she is my friend. I love her and you are putting me in a very difficult position. I don't want to hear you speak about her like this."

Your sil would have looked really small.

But, tbh, bitch was fair enough too. She was being one.