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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

re: Competitive Tiredness?

15 replies

WoodyAllenJesus · 31/12/2011 15:19

DH is currently on holiday from work over Xmas. We have a 3 month old who is going through a bit of a bad period sleep-wise. I am ebf'ing her.

Normal scenario when he is working is that I do everything in the night and early morning - all the feeding obviously but also all the changing etc. This is fine as in theory I can sleep in the day (though I don't).

Now he is off work and I would like a bit of support during the night especially as I do not get to sleep at all during the day - DH is a 'doer' and makes sure our days are full so no real time for naps.

I am still doing everything during the night. He says he's just as tired as me as he is 'awake' when I'm feeding her (he doesn't look it to me).

My parents are here at the moment and I was 'allowed' an hours nap this afternoon, but this was only 30 minutes as he brought her to me saying she was hungry. Then he leapt into bed beside me saying he was tired and had headache, leaving my parents downstairs on their own without explanation watching a film HE had put on. I had a go at him about this as I felt it was rude of him and he ranted at me about how tired he was. I had to hurriedly feed her whilst feeling anxious about my parents and then leave him to sleep and take our DD and go see to my parents. I am SEETHING about being ranted at. My mum says to let it lie, it's not worth falling out about especially while they are here but I think I am within my rights to have a go when he wakes up from his slumber. AIBU?

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 31/12/2011 15:22

YANBU, I'd be pissed off too!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 31/12/2011 15:23

YANBU. My DH isn't as bad as yours but does do the whole "competitive tiredness" thing too. He went out the other night with friends and then spent the whole say sighing and saying "I'm tired", when he could have avoided the tiredness if he hadn't gone out. He also just randomly goes off for sleeps at weekends, it really annoys me as I don't have that option.

squeakytoy · 31/12/2011 15:37

If your parents are here for just the day, then it was very rude to leave them. If they are visiting for a few days, or even just overnight, then why not leave your DD with them, so they can enjoy a bit of time alone with her, and you go back to bed too.

SoFreshNSoClean · 31/12/2011 15:48

YANBU. He isnt working this week and no matter how tired he is, you need a physical and mental break while you can get it. Does he not relaise you have just grown and given birth to a baby and are now feeding it with your body? You NEED rest!

He should be letting you sneak off for naps/long baths etc in between feeds. He is being totally unreasonable. Your parents should be helping out, too, btw.

littlepie · 31/12/2011 15:52

YANBU. He is an arse.

When we were in this position DH insisted I have naps when he was at home. If you don't you'll get really run down. Next time he suggests "doing" something tell him to take your DD for a walk while you have a nap!

Also, maybe your parents could watch DD for a couple of hours while you sleep?

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2011 16:15

Queen the rule in our house is that if DH wants to go out, great but suck it up and parent the next day.

Woody, he wants to be busy let him be. Get him a sling and a to do list. Job done!

missmehalia · 31/12/2011 16:32

We have similar things going on here when DH is off work. I think it happens because I have my own way of doing things with the children and the house when he's not here which in a way put him out of the loop. When he's suddenly off work he has less confidence than me with the kids/chores, and I feel pressurised and resentful. It is slowly getting better (youngest now 2), and things improved vastly when I stopped BF. It's about reasonable division of labour. This is a new thing for our generation. Previous generations of women did it all, and were quietly livid about it.. I think we can choose a different way, though it takes an awful lot of discussion and argument sometimes. If you are attending to the baby more, then he has to do a greater amount of shopping/cooking/cleaning. It's that simple. Either that or you alternate who gets up in the night. If he still can't see that a fair division of labour is required, then simply go away for a few days and leave him to sit there and take over household things himself. I definitely recommend going out of the house for a few hours regularly when he's off work. It's not until you're not there that he will have to get on with it. He can't just have one long holiday when he's not at work.

Even when he IS working M-F, evenings and weekends, the work has to be shared. If he insists he wants time to himself (e.g. lie-ins/going out) then that's fine, but if you agree to it then you must have an equivalent. Otherwise you'll just get angry, and it can risk your relationship in the long term.

MorrisPrancer · 31/12/2011 16:35

DH is the king of competitive tiredness as well as competitive illness. If I have a cold he's got flu, if I've hurt myself his arm is hanging off, if I've got a headache he's got plague...... You get the picture.
However you're BF and doing the night shift and he's odd work so it's tough tits to him and YOU should get decent naps/ lie ins.
Also if he's hungover then again it's tough tits, man up have some paracetamol and do some parenting, no one forced him to stay out late and drink beer. Hangovers (mine or DHs) in our house is self inflicted and doesn't class as having sick time off from the kids.
Today tho I've been on nights but he's more tired than me...... Think NOT DH!

Original poster
WoodyAllenJesus · 31/12/2011 16:42

Thanks all, he's finally awoken so I put my(your) points across. He accepted unreasonable behaviour and I'm being allowed another nap after this feed Grin Huzzah!

OP posts:
MorrisPrancer · 31/12/2011 16:44

Off not odd.

Not worth having a massive falling out though but need to discuss how you feel with DH as he's so tired he might not realise how he's behaving Grin

Tee2072 · 31/12/2011 16:45

'Allowed another nap'?!?! Really? You need his permission.

Hand him the baby. Tell him she's (he's?) just been fed. Go to your bed. Sleep.

If your husband wants to go out, great, he can take the baby with him for 2 hours or whatever it is between feeds.

MorrisPrancer · 31/12/2011 16:45

Huzzah! Reason wins! Make sure DC is well fed and changed before retiring to your boudouir Wink

Original poster
WoodyAllenJesus · 31/12/2011 16:45

Also he insists it's not hangover but a genuine tiredness headache Hmm despite being on the wine for 6 hours yesterday...

I'm going to start having tiredness headaches I think Smile

OP posts:
mrsjay · 31/12/2011 16:50

MY dh is awful for the tiredness the seems to engulf him nobody understands how tired he gets Hmm and he just needs to have a kip because he is so tired ,
DD came home from work yesterday tired was a long shift she said and she wasnt allowed to be tired because what does she know about tirdness blah di blah ,
At the moment dh is napping has been on xbox all day waiting on his phone to ring for work , as the waiting is mentally tiring WHAT !! can you tell it gets on my wick ,
OP id let your dh do the next 3 feeds while you catch up on your sleep Wink

Miette · 31/12/2011 16:58

A tiredness headache? Not heard of that before, but it does sound like something i may soon start suffering from. :o

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